Saturday, February 20, 2010

THEORY OF RELATIVITY: A TRUE STORY

SO LAST NIGHT I GOT ON MY XBOX TO SEE IF MY BROTHER IS ONLINE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY I HAVE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE GLOBE. THE DRIVE FREEZES UP AND REFUSES TO ALLOW ME ONLINE FOR WHATEVER REASON.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET SOME WORK DONE ON MY COMPUTER. IT'S A MONSTROUS PIECE OF PIMPED OUT HARDWARE COSTING 3 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER EXPENSIVE. THIS FACT IS MULTIPLIED FURTHER BY THE PRO-LEVEL ANIMATION SOFTWARE I'VE GOT INSTALLED, COSTING 8 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER SANE. SOME FRIGHTENINGLY UNFAMILIAR GIBBERISH IS SPLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN, TELLING ME ONLY THAT MY BABY IS IN DIRE TROUBLE, AND SETTING ME UP FOR A PROFOUNDLY FRUSTRATING EVENING OF TRYING TO SALVAGE IT FROM A METALLIC GRAVE.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET TO BED SO I CAN PUT AN END TO THIS DAY AND GET SOME DECENT REST. I'M PLAGUED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT BY THREE SEPARATE DREAMS INVOLVING MURDEROUS ANIMALS AND ANIMALISTIC MURDERERS TRYING TO PUT AN END TO MY LIFE WITH SHARP TEETH AND SHARPER KNIVES.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME START THE DAY AND SEE WHATS HAPPENING ON THE INTERWEBS. WITHIN 30 SECONDS, MY LAPTOP DECIDES TO MYSTERIOUSLY DISENGAGE ITSELF (AND STAY DISENGAGED) FROM THE HIGH SPEED WIRELESS CONNECTION I RECENTLY SIGNED OVER MY FIRSTBORN FOR.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET OUT OF THIS DAMNED APARTMENT AND WALK ACROSS TOWN TO MY FAVORITE BAKERY FOR MY FAVORITE SANDWICH. THAT'LL CHEER ME UP. IT'S ONLY 10:30AM, BUT MY FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY ALL SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME FALL BACK ON MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH SINCE I'M ALREADY HERE. MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME STOP BY THE SPECIALTY FOOD STORE SO I CAN AT LEAST HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR HAVING WALKED ALL THE WAY OUT HERE. IT IS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN THAT STOCKS THE FOOD THAT HELPS A SILLY VEGETARIAN LIKE ME STAY FED IN A SILLY COUNTRY LIKE THIS. THE STORE IS CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GRAB THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT AND SWING IT AT EVERY SKULL THAT COMES INTO SIGHT. ONE OF THE FIRST TARGETS THAT I LOCK ONTO IS AN OLDER GENTLEMAN, JUST OVER 4 FEET IN STATURE, HUNCHED OVER, AND STRUGGLING TO KEEP HIS LEGS PROPERLY STEPPING ONE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER - AS THEY ARE CLEARLY BENT, CROOKED, AND NOT THE OF THE SAME LENGTH.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... ALRIGHT... AND I SEEM TO FORGET ABOUT WHATEVER IT WAS THAT I HAD ON MY MIND EARLIER.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

NOT A JOKE

THERE WERE THREE GUYS AT THE GYM TODAY FROM THE Kagoshima University of Medicine. THEIR SHIRTS WERE EMBLAZONED WITH KUM.

SERIOUSLY.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Monday, January 18, 2010

...BUT IT'S SET IN SPACE! (read to the end)


SO I SAW THIS GREAT MOVIE THE OTHER DAY. REGARDLESS OF THE BEAUTFUL VISUALS, IT'S THE STORY THAT TRULY SETS IT APART FROM OTHER FILMS.

IT'S ABOUT THIS DOWN AND OUT SOLDIER WHOSE LEGS ARE RENDERED USELESS FROM TERRIBLE COMBAT INJURIES. HE'S LEFT EMPTY INSIDE WITH NOTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, UNTIL HE IS GIVEN A RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BE SENT TO THE FURTHEST REACHES OF THE FRONTIER. IT IS A HOSTILE, UNWELCOMING NO-MAN'S LAND WHERE CIVILIZATION HAS YET TO ACHIEVE MUCH OF A FOOTHOLD.

THERE HE DISCOVERS A RENEWED SENSE OF WONDER, AND A PURPOSE TO HIS BEING. HE SOON ENCOUNTERS HOSTILE NATIVES WHO DESPERATELY WANT HIM AND HIS KIND OFF THEIR LAND, AND ARE WILLING TO KILL IN ORDER TO MAKE THEIR POINT. HOWEVER, HE IS EVENTUALLY ACCEPTED INTO THEIR TRIBE ONCE THEY RECOGNIZE HIS PURE HEART AND WARRIOR SPIRIT.

THE TRIBE'S LEADER PUTS A YOUNG WARRIOR GIRL IN CHARGE OF WATCHING OVER THE SOLDIER, SINCE NOT ONLY IS SHE ONE OF THE FEW MEMBERS ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF COMMUNICATING WITH HIM, BUT ALSO BECAUSE SHE IS THE REASON HE WAS BROUGHT TO THE TRIBE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT IS A ROLE SHE INITIALLY RESISTS, BUT THE TWO SOON FIND A CONNECTION TOGETHER DESPITE COMING FROM SUCH DIFFERENT WORLDS. THEY SPEND THEIR DAYS SHOWING HIM THE WAYS OF HER PEOPLE, PARTICULARLY THEIR DEEP INTERCONNECTION WITH NATURE. WITHIN A MATTER OF WEEKS HE HAS ACHIEVED AN ASTONISHING LEVEL OF FLUENCY IN THEIR EXOTIC TONGUE.

HOWEVER, THE YOUNG MALE HEIR TO THE TRIBE'S THROWN STILL MISTRUSTS THE FOREIGNER, AND IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF TIME BEFORE HIS TRUST AND RESPECT IS INEVITABLY EARNED. THROUGH THEIR STRUGGLES TOGETHER, THEY GO FROM BEING BITTER RIVALS TO BEING BROTHERS IN ARMS.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT ISN'T LONG BEFORE THE SOLDIER'S OLD MILITARY COMRADES CATCH ON TO WHAT HE'S UP TO, WHICH BORDERS ON TREASON SINCE NOT ONLY HAS HE BEEN NEGLECTING THE TRUE PURPOSE OF WHY HE WAS STATIONED THERE, BUT HE HAS ALSO ESSENTIALLY BECOME ONE OF THE TRIBE, SWITCHING SIDES TO JOIN A PEOPLE SEEN AS NOTHING MORE THAN ANIMALS.

THE NATIVES FIERCELY RESIST THE MILITARY'S ATTEMPTS TO EXPLOIT THEIR PRECIOUS LAND AND RESOURCES, SO TENSIONS QUICKLY FLAIR INTO ACTS OF BRUTE FORCE. THE HERO HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TURN AGAINST (AND EVEN KILL) HIS OWN KIND IN DEFENSE OF WHAT HE FEELS IS RIGHT. IN THE END, THE NATIVES PREVAIL AND THE MILITARY IS SENT PACKING... BUT FOR HOW LONG? FOR NOW, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT HE HAS FOUND HIS PLACE STANDING BESIDES THE WOMAN HE HAS CHOSEN TO LOVE AND PROTECT. HE IS NOW TRULY A MEMBER OF THEIR WORLD.


...BUT ENOUGH ABOUT "DANCES WITH WOLVES". HAS ANYONE SEEN "AVATAR" YET? I HEAR IT'S IN 3D!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

CHILLING DEVELOPMENTS

SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN, THE JAPANESE HAVE REBELLED BRAVELY AGAINST THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM OF PUTTING PROPER HEATING OR INSULATION IN ONE'S HOME.

MY APARTMENT WAS 6 DEGREES CELSIUS THIS MORNING. MY FRIDGE IS SET TO 5 DEGREES.

I'M WASTING ELECTRICITY.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

TENNIS BALL WHERE MY ANKLE SHOULD BE

I'VE RECENTLY HAD MY FOOT TURNED INWARD AND SIDEWAYS, PULLING THE STRETCHY PIECES THAT HOLD MY FOOT IN PLACE UNTIL THEY GAVE WAY AND MADE A LOVELY “POP!” SOUND.



IT HAPPENED WHILE FIGHTING OFF HALF A DOZEN HOME INVADERS. IT SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE ALL OF THEM WERE MINORITIES.

DAMNED NORWEGIANS.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

MY HEAD IS IN THE CLOUDS

OK, SO I'M UPDATING A MONTH AND A HALF LATER INSTEAD OF A WEEK LIKE I PROMISED. SHUT IT. I DON'T WANNA HEAR A WORD. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN READ THIS ANYWAY.

SO... WHERE DID I LEAVE OFF? VOLCANO CLIMBING? OK...

CONTRARY TO MOST OF JAPAN'S ISOLATED NATURE DESTINATIONS, THE PEAK OF MOUNT KAIDON IS NOT ADORNED WITH A MULTITUDE OF CONVENIENT VENDING MACHINES. AS SUCH, I WISELY GRABBED A DRINK FROM THE MACHINE AT THE BASE OF THE VOLCANO INSTEAD, AND WAS SURPRISED TO FIND MYSELF UNDER THE WATCHFUL GAZE OF A CAGED MOUNTAIN GOAT. I BADE HIM GOOD MORNING AND BEGAN MY CLIMB.


THE TRAIL WAS MADE OF A VERY DARK MOIST SOIL, FLANKED ON BOTH SIDES BY ROWS OF FERNS. AT TIMES THE TRAIL INEXPLICABLY DESCENDED INTO A WIDE DITCH, BRINGING THE GROUND LEVEL UP TO MY SHOULDERS. I WAS FOLLOWED FOR SOME DISTANCE BY THE WORLD'S THIRD MOST PERSISTENT FLIES*, BUT OTHERWISE IT WAS QUITE PLEASANT.

DESPITE THE RELATIVELY COOL CONDITIONS UNDER THE TREES, IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE SWEAT WAS RUNNING OFF MY FACE AND WATERING THE TRAMPLED GRASS BENEATH MY FEET. THE HEAT I GENERATED FROM THE CLIMB SOON HAD WAFTS OF STEAM BILLOWING OFF MY EXPOSED HEAD AND HANDS.

TOWARDS THE UPPER HALF OF THE MOUNTAIN, THE TRAIL OF SOIL AND FERNS WAS REPLACED WITH PILES OF STONES AND BOULDERS WHICH MADE THE WAY A BIT MORE DIFFICULT TO TRAVERSE. SOME AREAS HAD SMALL WOODEN STEPS INSTALLED TO ASSIST CLIMBERS - BUT THE EFFECTS OF TIME AND WEATHER HAD ERODED THE SOIL AWAY FROM THE BASES, LEAVING BEHIND USELESS BLOCKADES ELEVATED TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND. MORE OF AN OBSTACLE THAN AN AID.



TWO HOURS AND FOUR VERTICAL KILOMETERS LATER, I REACHED THE TOP, OR AT LEAST I THINK I DID. THE TRAIL SIMPLY ENDED. THE CLOUDS PREVENTED ME FROM SEEING MUCH ON ONE SIDE, AND THE DENSE TREES PREVENTED ME FROM SEEING INTO THE CRATER ON THE OTHER.



THERE WERE A FEW RANDOM BOULDERS THAT CLIMBERS CLAIMED AS SEATS WHERE THEY ATE THEIR BOXED LUNCHES AND TEXTED THEIR FRIENDS FROM. MOST OF THEM SEEMED DISAPPOINTED BY THE CLOUDS, BUT I WAS HAPPY TO JUST SIT THERE AND BREATH IN THE MIST AS IT PASSED OVER US IN WAVES.


SO, ON THIS DAY I HAD AGED ANOTHER YEAR, BUT MY FOOLISHLY RUSHED CLIMB BACK DOWN ADDED ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS TO MY WOBBLY KNEES. THE FOLLOWING DAYS OF GRIMACED CLIMBS UP SIMPLE STAIRCASES MADE IT A BIRTHDAY I WOULDN'T SOON FORGET.

*The world's most persistent flies being the African variety that swarm around the stained undersides of swishing animal tails, followed closely by the awful swarms that any person will be intimately familiar with if they were foolish enough to step into the deep woods of Maine during summer.**

** I was foolish enough to step into the deep woods of Maine during summer. With me was a group of less than liberal college students whose t-shirts celebrated the merits of “Tree-Hugging”, albeit with the enormous claws of logging machinery. One such student was convinced that swatting the black flies and consuming quantities of their tiny corpses would integrate the pheromones of the fly into his own scent, thus freeing him from from being a target of the toothy black clouds swarming around our heads. I still question the soundness of his logic, but for the sake of full disclosure, he seemed to be the only one not perpetually waving his arms around his skull in a futile defense against the airborne aggressors.

Monday, November 23, 2009

I'M NOT DEAD. SORRY.

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! YAY! (waves fingers in the air)

MY 29th, TO BE EXACT... GIVE OR TAKE A FEW YEARS.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M GETTING OLD, THAT AWFUL JOKE NEVER DOES.

TO HONOR THE OCCASION, I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT THRILL THE 3's OF PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG BY BRINGING IT BACK TO LIFE?" YAY AGAIN!

ON TOP OF THAT, I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT SPEND MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY BY MYSELF AND GO SIT AT THE TOP OF A VOLCANO FOR A WHILE?"

SO I DID. THIS ONE...


THIS IS MOUNT KAIMON. IT IS AS FAR SOUTH AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY GO ON THE JAPANESE MAINLAND BEFORE YOU START SWIMMING. SO FAR SOUTH, THINK OF IT AS A BUMPY BLISTER ON THE PINKY TOE OF THIS FINE COUNTRY.

THIS VOLCANO, HOWEVER, IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MOUNT SAKURAJIMA - THE ASH FACTORY THAT SITS IN THE BAY ACROSS FROM MY WINDOW AND SPEWS FILTH ON MY CAR AND LAUNDRY ON A DAILY BASIS. NO, WERE I TO CLIMB MOUNT SAKURAJIMA, I WOULD NOT BE CELEBRATING NEXT YEAR'S 29th BIRTHDAY.

ANYWAY, MY SPECIAL DAY IS RUNNING OUT, SO I'LL END THIS HERE AND CONTINUE TELLING MY ADVENTURES OF WALKING UPHILL LATER THIS WEEK. UNTIL THEN...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I SHOULDN'T POST THIS, BUT...

DID I MENTION I TEACH AT UP TO 20 SCHOOLS IN JAPAN? 12 OF THESE ARE ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS. INTERESTING THING ABOUT TEACHING ENGLISH AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS IS THAT NOBODY THERE CAN SPEAK IT BESIDES ME. FORTUNATELY, I AM ALSO FLUENT IN "ENGRISH", SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM WHEN I RECEIVE A LESSON PLAN BY FAX SUCH AS THIS ONE...

Children look forward to studying the English with Mr. James very much. I introduce myself and I become slightly close and think that I am happy and should have been able to learn it while singing an English song.

DID YOU NOTICE THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPELLING MISTAKE?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

MAKIN' BABIES

THE FULL MOON IS HERE, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR THE RARE SEA TURTLE TO CLIMB OUT OF THE OCEAN TO DUMP ITS BABIES IN A PIT ONSHORE. THE EGG LAYING PROCESS IS AN INCREDIBLY ARDUOUS AND VULNERABLE TIME FOR THIS LUMBERING MAIDEN OF THE OCEAN, MAKING IT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO HARASS HER UP CLOSE WITH FLASHES OF CAMERAS AND POKES WITH STICKS. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CREATURE HERE WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD FIND AT THE BEACH THAT NIGHT. SHE ALSO REFUSED TO GIVE BIRTH TO ANYTHING IN FRONT OF ME. MAYBE NEXT MONTH.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

CUZ A "REAL" POST IS TOO MUCH WORK

SO I MEET THIS GOAT ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? AN HE'S ALL, "YO, MY MAN! CAN YOU SPARE TWO DOLLARS?" AND I'M LIKE, "SORRY BRO, I DON'T HAVE ANY TO SPARE." BUT HE'S ALL LIKE, "C'MON, SON! I NEED IT TO GET HOME ON THE LAST BUS. HELP A BRUTHA OUT!" AND THEN I'M LIKE, " YO! YO! WAIT A MINUTE! ...THIS CRAZY ASS GOAT IS TALKING TO ME!!! HOW'D HE LEARN ENGLISH OUT HERE IN THE BOONIES OF JAPAN?!?"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

Friday, May 09, 2008

JIM HENSON'S NIGHTMARE

NO CHILDREN WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM.
...however, several pairs of undergarments were irreparably soiled.

Friday, April 25, 2008

SWEET SOUNDS OF LOVE

LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED. YOU'LL HEAR WHAT MOST OF MY FIRST DATES HERE TEND TO SOUND LIKE.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 6

ON THE TRAIN TO IBUSUKI, XING WAS HAVING US LOOK OUT THE WINDOW FOR ALL SORTS OF STUFF THAT WASN’T THERE. GREAT FUN. BY THE TIME XING SAID, “LOOK, A SPACE SHUTTLE!”, WE WERE ALREADY WISE TO HER TRICKS. HOWEVER, I LOOKED UP AND ADDED, “OH YEAH… A SPACE SHUTTLE.” FOR INDEED THERE WAS ONE THERE PERCHED ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT, SO I SHAN’T.

ON THE RIDE BACK, I WAS DETERMINED TO CAPTURE A PHOTO OF THE INEXPLICABLY POSITIONED SPACE VEHICLE. UNFORTUNATELY, I ONLY GOT A SHOT OF BLURRY TREE BRANCHES GETTING IN MY WAY. SO, I HAVE NO PROOF TO HELP IN UN-BESMIRCHING XING’S HONEST REPUTATION. INSTEAD, I HAVE A PHOTO OF A FARMER POKING AT SOME ASH WITH A STICK.
PLEASE ENJOY.





THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO END A MORNING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY TRAIN TO ENJOY A JAPANESE ONSEN (HOT SPRING). AND THAT IS: TO BEGIN AN EVENING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY BOAT TO ENJOY ANOTHER ONSEN. THIS NEXT ONE IS CALLED FURUSATO ONSEN, AND SITS ALONG THE COAST OF A SMALL ISLAND.

WELL, IT’S NOT REALLY AN ISLAND AS MUCH AS IT IS A GIANT VOLCANO STICKING OUT OF THE WATER. A LIVE VOLCANO, MIND YOU. THUS, THE PRESENCE OF HOT WATER.


HERE ARE MY FRIENDS TEXTING EACH OTHER ABOUT TONIGHT’S PLANS. KEITAIS (CELL PHONES) AREN’T SIMPLY AN APPLIANCE IN JAPAN. THEY’RE A LIFESTYLE.



MOST HOT SPRINGS ARE SPLIT BY GENDER, SINCE EVERYONE’S SITTING AROUND ALL NEKKID AND STUFF WITH THEIR NAUGHTY BITS FLOATING TO AND FRO. FURUSATO ONSEN, HOWEVER, IS RARE IN THAT IT ALLOWS EVERYONE TO WEAR AN (INTENTIONALLY?) MICRO-THIN ROBE INTO THE WATER, SO THAT BOTH SEXES CAN “HANG OUT” TOGETHER. I SUGGESTED THAT WE DISCARD THE ROBES ANYWAY, Y’KNOW, FOR THE SAKE OF TRADITION – AND THIS SUGGESTION IN NO WAY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING THE ONLY MALE IN THE GROUP. REGARDLESS, IT DIDN’T FLY.

GOTTA SAY, I QUITE ENJOYED MY FIRST ONSEN EXPERIENCE, DESPITE ALL THE OLD DUDES’ WRINKLY FRONT AND BACK PARTS I HAD TO SEE IN THOSE LOCKER ROOMS. ANYWAY, HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS I’M STEALING FROM MY FRIEND, SINCE I VALUE PROTECTING MY CAMERA FROM SAND AND WATER FAR MORE THAN I VALUE YOUR POTENTIAL ENJOYMENT OF MY PHOTOS. THANKS RACHELLE.



Wednesday, March 19, 2008

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 5

MYSELF, AND MY ENGLISH TEACHING FRIENDS TOOK A TRAIN TO IBUSUKI FOR THEIR FAMOUS HOT SAND-BATH SAUNAS. THERE ARE NATURAL HOT SPRINGS RUNNING BENEATH THE BEACHES THERE, AND FOR THE LOW PRICE OF JUST 1,000 YEN (ROUGHLY $10 U.S.) YOU CAN HIRE SOME LOCAL DUDES WITH SHOVELS TO BURY YOU IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.

THE BEACH IS ESSENTIALLY A FIELD OF DISEMBODIED TOURIST HEADS EMERGING FROM THE GROUND IN TWO NEAT LITTLE ROWS. POSSIBLY ONE OF THE MOST BIZARRE IMAGES YOU MIGHT EVER SEE ON THIS SITE… EXCEPT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW. I DIDN’T THINK MY CAMERA WOULD TAKE KINDLY TO BEING BURIED UNDER THE (SIGNIFICANT) WEIGHT OF BURNING HOT, WET, BLACK SAND.

INSTEAD, I PRESENT TO YOU… THATCHED SAUNA ROOFS. PLEASE ENJOY THESE PICTURES AS YOU IMAGINE THE INTERESTING SCENE BENEATH THAT I DID NOT TROUBLE MYSELF TO CAPTURE FOR YOU.





ABOVE IS A FINE WORK OF ART ADORNING THE WALLS OF THE SAUNA ENTRANCE. I BELIEVE THE OUTRAGEOUSLY INFLATED BREASTS OF THE BUS-SIZED SALAMANDER IN SLUMBER REPRESENTS THE PRECARIOUS CONDITION OF JAPAN’S ECONOMIC BUBBLE OF THE 90’S, WHILE THE FISHERMAN TWEAKING THE BULBOUS NIPPLE SIGNIFIES THE STRUGGLE OF THE JAPANESE MAN COMING TO TERMS WITH THE INHERENT UNCERTAINTIES OF A RAPIDLY EVOLVING CULTURE BUBBLING BENEATH AN OTHERWISE CALM AND SERENE SURFACE.

EITHER THAT, OR SOME CARTOONIST JUST REALLY GETS OFF ON THE IDEA OF MOLESTING AN AMPHIBIAN WITH CANS AS LARGE AS A VOLKSWAGEN.

THIS SIGN BELOW IS FUNNY TO ME FOR TWO REASONS. BOTH REASONS WOULD ONLY APPEAL TO THE SENSIBILITIES OF A TEN YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR GIGGLES, SO I WON’T ELABORATE ON EITHER.