SPECIAL SQUIRRELS BLOG

THEORY OF RELATIVITY: A TRUE STORY

2010-02-20T08:51:00.010-05:00

SO LAST NIGHT I GOT ON MY XBOX TO SEE IF MY BROTHER IS ONLINE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY I HAVE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE GLOBE. THE DRIVE FREEZES UP AND REFUSES TO ALLOW ME ONLINE FOR WHATEVER REASON.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET SOME WORK DONE ON MY COMPUTER. IT'S A MONSTROUS PIECE OF PIMPED OUT HARDWARE COSTING 3 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER EXPENSIVE. THIS FACT IS MULTIPLIED FURTHER BY THE PRO-LEVEL ANIMATION SOFTWARE I'VE GOT INSTALLED, COSTING 8 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER SANE. SOME FRIGHTENINGLY UNFAMILIAR GIBBERISH IS SPLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN, TELLING ME ONLY THAT MY BABY IS IN DIRE TROUBLE, AND SETTING ME UP FOR A PROFOUNDLY FRUSTRATING EVENING OF TRYING TO SALVAGE IT FROM A METALLIC GRAVE.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET TO BED SO I CAN PUT AN END TO THIS DAY AND GET SOME DECENT REST. I'M PLAGUED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT BY THREE SEPARATE DREAMS INVOLVING MURDEROUS ANIMALS AND ANIMALISTIC MURDERERS TRYING TO PUT AN END TO MY LIFE WITH SHARP TEETH AND SHARPER KNIVES.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME START THE DAY AND SEE WHATS HAPPENING ON THE INTERWEBS. WITHIN 30 SECONDS, MY LAPTOP DECIDES TO MYSTERIOUSLY DISENGAGE ITSELF (AND STAY DISENGAGED) FROM THE HIGH SPEED WIRELESS CONNECTION I RECENTLY SIGNED OVER MY FIRSTBORN FOR.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET OUT OF THIS DAMNED APARTMENT AND WALK ACROSS TOWN TO MY FAVORITE BAKERY FOR MY FAVORITE SANDWICH. THAT'LL CHEER ME UP. IT'S ONLY 10:30AM, BUT MY FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY ALL SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME FALL BACK ON MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH SINCE I'M ALREADY HERE. MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME STOP BY THE SPECIALTY FOOD STORE SO I CAN AT LEAST HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR HAVING WALKED ALL THE WAY OUT HERE. IT IS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN THAT STOCKS THE FOOD THAT HELPS A SILLY VEGETARIAN LIKE ME STAY FED IN A SILLY COUNTRY LIKE THIS. THE STORE IS CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GRAB THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT AND SWING IT AT EVERY SKULL THAT COMES INTO SIGHT. ONE OF THE FIRST TARGETS THAT I LOCK ONTO IS AN OLDER GENTLEMAN, JUST OVER 4 FEET IN STATURE, HUNCHED OVER, AND STRUGGLING TO KEEP HIS LEGS PROPERLY STEPPING ONE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER - AS THEY ARE CLEARLY BENT, CROOKED, AND NOT THE OF THE SAME LENGTH.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... ALRIGHT... AND I SEEM TO FORGET ABOUT WHATEVER IT WAS THAT I HAD ON MY MIND EARLIER.

NOT A JOKE

2010-02-04T07:47:00.005-05:00

THERE WERE THREE GUYS AT THE GYM TODAY FROM THE Kagoshima University of Medicine. THEIR SHIRTS WERE EMBLAZONED WITH KUM.

SERIOUSLY.

WE CARE ECOLOGY

2010-01-22T00:00:00.001-05:00

I CARE GRAMMAR.

...BUT IT'S SET IN SPACE! (read to the end)

2010-01-18T06:42:00.026-05:00

SO I SAW THIS GREAT MOVIE THE OTHER DAY. REGARDLESS OF THE BEAUTFUL VISUALS, IT'S THE STORY THAT TRULY SETS IT APART FROM OTHER FILMS.

IT'S ABOUT THIS DOWN AND OUT SOLDIER WHOSE LEGS ARE RENDERED USELESS FROM TERRIBLE COMBAT INJURIES. HE'S LEFT EMPTY INSIDE WITH NOTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, UNTIL HE IS GIVEN A RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BE SENT TO THE FURTHEST REACHES OF THE FRONTIER. IT IS A HOSTILE, UNWELCOMING NO-MAN'S LAND WHERE CIVILIZATION HAS YET TO ACHIEVE MUCH OF A FOOTHOLD.

THERE HE DISCOVERS A RENEWED SENSE OF WONDER, AND A PURPOSE TO HIS BEING. HE SOON ENCOUNTERS HOSTILE NATIVES WHO DESPERATELY WANT HIM AND HIS KIND OFF THEIR LAND, AND ARE WILLING TO KILL IN ORDER TO MAKE THEIR POINT. HOWEVER, HE IS EVENTUALLY ACCEPTED INTO THEIR TRIBE ONCE THEY RECOGNIZE HIS PURE HEART AND WARRIOR SPIRIT.

THE TRIBE'S LEADER PUTS A YOUNG WARRIOR GIRL IN CHARGE OF WATCHING OVER THE SOLDIER, SINCE NOT ONLY IS SHE ONE OF THE FEW MEMBERS ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF COMMUNICATING WITH HIM, BUT ALSO BECAUSE SHE IS THE REASON HE WAS BROUGHT TO THE TRIBE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT IS A ROLE SHE INITIALLY RESISTS, BUT THE TWO SOON FIND A CONNECTION TOGETHER DESPITE COMING FROM SUCH DIFFERENT WORLDS. THEY SPEND THEIR DAYS SHOWING HIM THE WAYS OF HER PEOPLE, PARTICULARLY THEIR DEEP INTERCONNECTION WITH NATURE. WITHIN A MATTER OF WEEKS HE HAS ACHIEVED AN ASTONISHING LEVEL OF FLUENCY IN THEIR EXOTIC TONGUE.

HOWEVER, THE YOUNG MALE HEIR TO THE TRIBE'S THROWN STILL MISTRUSTS THE FOREIGNER, AND IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF TIME BEFORE HIS TRUST AND RESPECT IS INEVITABLY EARNED. THROUGH THEIR STRUGGLES TOGETHER, THEY GO FROM BEING BITTER RIVALS TO BEING BROTHERS IN ARMS.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT ISN'T LONG BEFORE THE SOLDIER'S OLD MILITARY COMRADES CATCH ON TO WHAT HE'S UP TO, WHICH BORDERS ON TREASON SINCE NOT ONLY HAS HE BEEN NEGLECTING THE TRUE PURPOSE OF WHY HE WAS STATIONED THERE, BUT HE HAS ALSO ESSENTIALLY BECOME ONE OF THE TRIBE, SWITCHING SIDES TO JOIN A PEOPLE SEEN AS NOTHING MORE THAN ANIMALS.

THE NATIVES FIERCELY RESIST THE MILITARY'S ATTEMPTS TO EXPLOIT THEIR PRECIOUS LAND AND RESOURCES, SO TENSIONS QUICKLY FLAIR INTO ACTS OF BRUTE FORCE. THE HERO HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TURN AGAINST (AND EVEN KILL) HIS OWN KIND IN DEFENSE OF WHAT HE FEELS IS RIGHT. IN THE END, THE NATIVES PREVAIL AND THE MILITARY IS SENT PACKING... BUT FOR HOW LONG? FOR NOW, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT HE HAS FOUND HIS PLACE STANDING BESIDES THE WOMAN HE HAS CHOSEN TO LOVE AND PROTECT. HE IS NOW TRULY A MEMBER OF THEIR WORLD.

...BUT ENOUGH ABOUT "DANCES WITH WOLVES". HAS ANYONE SEEN "AVATAR" YET? I HEAR IT'S IN 3D!

CHILLING DEVELOPMENTS

2010-01-17T07:34:00.004-05:00

SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN, THE JAPANESE HAVE REBELLED BRAVELY AGAINST THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM OF PUTTING PROPER HEATING OR INSULATION IN ONE'S HOME.

MY APARTMENT WAS 6 DEGREES CELSIUS THIS MORNING. MY FRIDGE IS SET TO 5 DEGREES.

I'M WASTING ELECTRICITY.

TENNIS BALL WHERE MY ANKLE SHOULD BE

2010-01-16T08:48:00.004-05:00

I'VE RECENTLY HAD MY FOOT TURNED INWARD AND SIDEWAYS, PULLING THE STRETCHY PIECES THAT HOLD MY FOOT IN PLACE UNTIL THEY GAVE WAY AND MADE A LOVELY “POP!” SOUND.

IT HAPPENED WHILE FIGHTING OFF HALF A DOZEN HOME INVADERS. IT SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE ALL OF THEM WERE MINORITIES.

DAMNED NORWEGIANS.

MY HEAD IS IN THE CLOUDS

2010-01-14T06:36:00.015-05:00

OK, SO I'M UPDATING A MONTH AND A HALF LATER INSTEAD OF A WEEK LIKE I PROMISED. SHUT IT. I DON'T WANNA HEAR A WORD. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN READ THIS ANYWAY.

SO... WHERE DID I LEAVE OFF? VOLCANO CLIMBING? OK...

CONTRARY TO MOST OF JAPAN'S ISOLATED NATURE DESTINATIONS, THE PEAK OF MOUNT KAIDON IS NOT ADORNED WITH A MULTITUDE OF CONVENIENT VENDING MACHINES. AS SUCH, I WISELY GRABBED A DRINK FROM THE MACHINE AT THE BASE OF THE VOLCANO INSTEAD, AND WAS SURPRISED TO FIND MYSELF UNDER THE WATCHFUL GAZE OF A CAGED MOUNTAIN GOAT. I BADE HIM GOOD MORNING AND BEGAN MY CLIMB.

THE TRAIL WAS MADE OF A VERY DARK MOIST SOIL, FLANKED ON BOTH SIDES BY ROWS OF FERNS. AT TIMES THE TRAIL INEXPLICABLY DESCENDED INTO A WIDE DITCH, BRINGING THE GROUND LEVEL UP TO MY SHOULDERS. I WAS FOLLOWED FOR SOME DISTANCE BY THE WORLD'S THIRD MOST PERSISTENT FLIES*, BUT OTHERWISE IT WAS QUITE PLEASANT.

DESPITE THE RELATIVELY COOL CONDITIONS UNDER THE TREES, IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE SWEAT WAS RUNNING OFF MY FACE AND WATERING THE TRAMPLED GRASS BENEATH MY FEET. THE HEAT I GENERATED FROM THE CLIMB SOON HAD WAFTS OF STEAM BILLOWING OFF MY EXPOSED HEAD AND HANDS.

TOWARDS THE UPPER HALF OF THE MOUNTAIN, THE TRAIL OF SOIL AND FERNS WAS REPLACED WITH PILES OF STONES AND BOULDERS WHICH MADE THE WAY A BIT MORE DIFFICULT TO TRAVERSE. SOME AREAS HAD SMALL WOODEN STEPS INSTALLED TO ASSIST CLIMBERS - BUT THE EFFECTS OF TIME AND WEATHER HAD ERODED THE SOIL AWAY FROM THE BASES, LEAVING BEHIND USELESS BLOCKADES ELEVATED TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND. MORE OF AN OBSTACLE THAN AN AID.

TWO HOURS AND FOUR VERTICAL KILOMETERS LATER, I REACHED THE TOP, OR AT LEAST I THINK I DID. THE TRAIL SIMPLY ENDED. THE CLOUDS PREVENTED ME FROM SEEING MUCH ON ONE SIDE, AND THE DENSE TREES PREVENTED ME FROM SEEING INTO THE CRATER ON THE OTHER.

THERE WERE A FEW RANDOM BOULDERS THAT CLIMBERS CLAIMED AS SEATS WHERE THEY ATE THEIR BOXED LUNCHES AND TEXTED THEIR FRIENDS FROM. MOST OF THEM SEEMED DISAPPOINTED BY THE CLOUDS, BUT I WAS HAPPY TO JUST SIT THERE AND BREATH IN THE MIST AS IT PASSED OVER US IN WAVES.

SO, ON THIS DAY I HAD AGED ANOTHER YEAR, BUT MY FOOLISHLY RUSHED CLIMB BACK DOWN ADDED ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS TO MY WOBBLY KNEES. THE FOLLOWING DAYS OF GRIMACED CLIMBS UP SIMPLE STAIRCASES MADE IT A BIRTHDAY I WOULDN'T SOON FORGET.

*The world's most persistent flies being the African variety that swarm around the stained undersides of swishing animal tails, followed closely by the awful swarms that any person will be intimately familiar with if they were foolish enough to step into the deep woods of Maine during summer.**

** I was foolish enough to step into the deep woods of Maine during summer. With me was a group of less than liberal college students whose t-shirts celebrated the merits of “Tree-Hugging”, albeit with the enormous claws of logging machinery. One such student was convinced that swatting the black flies and consuming quantities of their tiny corpses would integrate the pheromones of the fly into his own scent, thus freeing him from from being a target of the toothy black clouds swarming around our heads. I still question the soundness of his logic, but for the sake of full disclosure, he seemed to be the only one not perpetually waving his arms around his skull in a futile defense against the airborne aggressors.

I'M NOT DEAD. SORRY.

2009-11-23T05:32:00.007-05:00

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! YAY! (waves fingers in the air)

MY 29th, TO BE EXACT... GIVE OR TAKE A FEW YEARS.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M GETTING OLD, THAT AWFUL JOKE NEVER DOES.

TO HONOR THE OCCASION, I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT THRILL THE 3's OF PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG BY BRINGING IT BACK TO LIFE?" YAY AGAIN!

ON TOP OF THAT, I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT SPEND MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY BY MYSELF AND GO SIT AT THE TOP OF A VOLCANO FOR A WHILE?"

SO I DID. THIS ONE...

THIS IS MOUNT KAIMON. IT IS AS FAR SOUTH AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY GO ON THE JAPANESE MAINLAND BEFORE YOU START SWIMMING. SO FAR SOUTH, THINK OF IT AS A BUMPY BLISTER ON THE PINKY TOE OF THIS FINE COUNTRY.

THIS VOLCANO, HOWEVER, IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MOUNT SAKURAJIMA - THE ASH FACTORY THAT SITS IN THE BAY ACROSS FROM MY WINDOW AND SPEWS FILTH ON MY CAR AND LAUNDRY ON A DAILY BASIS. NO, WERE I TO CLIMB MOUNT SAKURAJIMA, I WOULD NOT BE CELEBRATING NEXT YEAR'S 29th BIRTHDAY.

ANYWAY, MY SPECIAL DAY IS RUNNING OUT, SO I'LL END THIS HERE AND CONTINUE TELLING MY ADVENTURES OF WALKING UPHILL LATER THIS WEEK. UNTIL THEN...

I SHOULDN'T POST THIS, BUT...

2008-06-19T02:28:00.005-04:00

DID I MENTION I TEACH AT UP TO 20 SCHOOLS IN JAPAN? 12 OF THESE ARE ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS. INTERESTING THING ABOUT TEACHING ENGLISH AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS IS THAT NOBODY THERE CAN SPEAK IT BESIDES ME. FORTUNATELY, I AM ALSO FLUENT IN "ENGRISH", SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM WHEN I RECEIVE A LESSON PLAN BY FAX SUCH AS THIS ONE...

Children look forward to studying the English with Mr. James very much. I introduce myself and I become slightly close and think that I am happy and should have been able to learn it while singing an English song.

DID YOU NOTICE THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPELLING MISTAKE?

MAKIN' BABIES

2008-06-18T22:39:00.008-04:00

THE FULL MOON IS HERE, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR THE RARE SEA TURTLE TO CLIMB OUT OF THE OCEAN TO DUMP ITS BABIES IN A PIT ONSHORE. THE EGG LAYING PROCESS IS AN INCREDIBLY ARDUOUS AND VULNERABLE TIME FOR THIS LUMBERING MAIDEN OF THE OCEAN, MAKING IT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO HARASS HER UP CLOSE WITH FLASHES OF CAMERAS AND POKES WITH STICKS. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CREATURE HERE WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD FIND AT THE BEACH THAT NIGHT. SHE ALSO REFUSED TO GIVE BIRTH TO ANYTHING IN FRONT OF ME. MAYBE NEXT MONTH.

CUZ A "REAL" POST IS TOO MUCH WORK

2008-06-17T03:35:00.005-04:00

SO I MEET THIS GOAT ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? AN HE'S ALL, "YO, MY MAN! CAN YOU SPARE TWO DOLLARS?" AND I'M LIKE, "SORRY BRO, I DON'T HAVE ANY TO SPARE." BUT HE'S ALL LIKE, "C'MON, SON! I NEED IT TO GET HOME ON THE LAST BUS. HELP A BRUTHA OUT!" AND THEN I'M LIKE, " YO! YO! WAIT A MINUTE! ...THIS CRAZY ASS GOAT IS TALKING TO ME!!! HOW'D HE LEARN ENGLISH OUT HERE IN THE BOONIES OF JAPAN?!?"

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

2008-05-29T01:53:00.007-04:00

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

JIM HENSON'S NIGHTMARE

2008-05-09T04:40:00.010-04:00

NO CHILDREN WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM.
...however, several pairs of undergarments were irreparably soiled.

SWEET SOUNDS OF LOVE

2008-04-25T21:58:00.004-04:00

LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED. YOU'LL HEAR WHAT MOST OF MY FIRST DATES HERE TEND TO SOUND LIKE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 6

2008-03-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

ON THE TRAIN TO IBUSUKI, XING WAS HAVING US LOOK OUT THE WINDOW FOR ALL SORTS OF STUFF THAT WASN’T THERE. GREAT FUN. BY THE TIME XING SAID, “LOOK, A SPACE SHUTTLE!”, WE WERE ALREADY WISE TO HER TRICKS. HOWEVER, I LOOKED UP AND ADDED, “OH YEAH… A SPACE SHUTTLE.” FOR INDEED THERE WAS ONE THERE PERCHED ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT, SO I SHAN’T.

ON THE RIDE BACK, I WAS DETERMINED TO CAPTURE A PHOTO OF THE INEXPLICABLY POSITIONED SPACE VEHICLE. UNFORTUNATELY, I ONLY GOT A SHOT OF BLURRY TREE BRANCHES GETTING IN MY WAY. SO, I HAVE NO PROOF TO HELP IN UN-BESMIRCHING XING’S HONEST REPUTATION. INSTEAD, I HAVE A PHOTO OF A FARMER POKING AT SOME ASH WITH A STICK.
PLEASE ENJOY.

THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO END A MORNING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY TRAIN TO ENJOY A JAPANESE ONSEN (HOT SPRING). AND THAT IS: TO BEGIN AN EVENING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY BOAT TO ENJOY ANOTHER ONSEN. THIS NEXT ONE IS CALLED FURUSATO ONSEN, AND SITS ALONG THE COAST OF A SMALL ISLAND.

WELL, IT’S NOT REALLY AN ISLAND AS MUCH AS IT IS A GIANT VOLCANO STICKING OUT OF THE WATER. A LIVE VOLCANO, MIND YOU. THUS, THE PRESENCE OF HOT WATER.

HERE ARE MY FRIENDS TEXTING EACH OTHER ABOUT TONIGHT’S PLANS. KEITAIS (CELL PHONES) AREN’T SIMPLY AN APPLIANCE IN JAPAN. THEY’RE A LIFESTYLE.

MOST HOT SPRINGS ARE SPLIT BY GENDER, SINCE EVERYONE’S SITTING AROUND ALL NEKKID AND STUFF WITH THEIR NAUGHTY BITS FLOATING TO AND FRO. FURUSATO ONSEN, HOWEVER, IS RARE IN THAT IT ALLOWS EVERYONE TO WEAR AN (INTENTIONALLY?) MICRO-THIN ROBE INTO THE WATER, SO THAT BOTH SEXES CAN “HANG OUT” TOGETHER. I SUGGESTED THAT WE DISCARD THE ROBES ANYWAY, Y’KNOW, FOR THE SAKE OF TRADITION – AND THIS SUGGESTION IN NO WAY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING THE ONLY MALE IN THE GROUP. REGARDLESS, IT DIDN’T FLY.

GOTTA SAY, I QUITE ENJOYED MY FIRST ONSEN EXPERIENCE, DESPITE ALL THE OLD DUDES’ WRINKLY FRONT AND BACK PARTS I HAD TO SEE IN THOSE LOCKER ROOMS. ANYWAY, HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS I’M STEALING FROM MY FRIEND, SINCE I VALUE PROTECTING MY CAMERA FROM SAND AND WATER FAR MORE THAN I VALUE YOUR POTENTIAL ENJOYMENT OF MY PHOTOS. THANKS RACHELLE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 5

2008-03-19T10:36:00.001-04:00

MYSELF, AND MY ENGLISH TEACHING FRIENDS TOOK A TRAIN TO IBUSUKI FOR THEIR FAMOUS HOT SAND-BATH SAUNAS. THERE ARE NATURAL HOT SPRINGS RUNNING BENEATH THE BEACHES THERE, AND FOR THE LOW PRICE OF JUST 1,000 YEN (ROUGHLY $10 U.S.) YOU CAN HIRE SOME LOCAL DUDES WITH SHOVELS TO BURY YOU IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.

THE BEACH IS ESSENTIALLY A FIELD OF DISEMBODIED TOURIST HEADS EMERGING FROM THE GROUND IN TWO NEAT LITTLE ROWS. POSSIBLY ONE OF THE MOST BIZARRE IMAGES YOU MIGHT EVER SEE ON THIS SITE… EXCEPT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW. I DIDN’T THINK MY CAMERA WOULD TAKE KINDLY TO BEING BURIED UNDER THE (SIGNIFICANT) WEIGHT OF BURNING HOT, WET, BLACK SAND.

INSTEAD, I PRESENT TO YOU… THATCHED SAUNA ROOFS. PLEASE ENJOY THESE PICTURES AS YOU IMAGINE THE INTERESTING SCENE BENEATH THAT I DID NOT TROUBLE MYSELF TO CAPTURE FOR YOU.

ABOVE IS A FINE WORK OF ART ADORNING THE WALLS OF THE SAUNA ENTRANCE. I BELIEVE THE OUTRAGEOUSLY INFLATED BREASTS OF THE BUS-SIZED SALAMANDER IN SLUMBER REPRESENTS THE PRECARIOUS CONDITION OF JAPAN’S ECONOMIC BUBBLE OF THE 90’S, WHILE THE FISHERMAN TWEAKING THE BULBOUS NIPPLE SIGNIFIES THE STRUGGLE OF THE JAPANESE MAN COMING TO TERMS WITH THE INHERENT UNCERTAINTIES OF A RAPIDLY EVOLVING CULTURE BUBBLING BENEATH AN OTHERWISE CALM AND SERENE SURFACE.

EITHER THAT, OR SOME CARTOONIST JUST REALLY GETS OFF ON THE IDEA OF MOLESTING AN AMPHIBIAN WITH CANS AS LARGE AS A VOLKSWAGEN.

THIS SIGN BELOW IS FUNNY TO ME FOR TWO REASONS. BOTH REASONS WOULD ONLY APPEAL TO THE SENSIBILITIES OF A TEN YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR GIGGLES, SO I WON’T ELABORATE ON EITHER.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 4

2008-03-14T10:06:00.003-04:00

THIS FUNNY LITTLE FELLA IS OSHIRI KAJIRI MUSHI, OR IN ENGLISH: THE ASS BITING BUG. AS HIS NAME MIGHT IMPLY TO THE MORE ASTUTE MEMBERS OF MY READERSHIP, HE IS INDEED FOND OF BITING INTO ASSES. HE REGULARLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION SINGING HIS CREEPY MONOTONE SONG ABOUT ASS BITING, AND THEN PROCEEDS TO DEMONSTRATE BY BITING INTO AN ASSORTMENT OF AVAILABLE ASSES. CURIOUSLY, THE ASS-BITTEN VICTIMS ALSO SING ALONG.

BY CHANCE, WE HAPPENED UPON THE OSHIRI KAJIRI MUSHI AT THE LOCAL ARCADE. AS YOU MIGHT HAVE PREDICTED, HE DID, IN FACT… BITE OUR ASSES. HORRIBLE AS IT WAS, WE MANAGED TO RECORD THE INCIDENT ON CAMERA TO SHOW TO THE AUTHORITIES.
AND TO OUR FRIENDS.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 3

2008-03-14T09:17:00.010-04:00

I’VE BEEN TO KAGOSHIMA 3 TIMES NOW. I’VE ALSO BEEN TAKEN TO ONE PARTICULAR VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT IN KAGOSHIMA EACH OF THOSE 3 TIMES. THIS TIME AROUND I WAS ESCORTED BY FIVE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN. NATURALLY, I’D MUCH PREFER SITTING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF FAT DUDES TALKING BASEBALL STATS… BUT AS JESUS TAUGHT, TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER.

AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS JESUS. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY OLD TEACHER, FATHER HEALY. HE USED TO BEAT US.

NO NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN WITH FIVE FINE LADIES IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A TRIP TO THE PHOTO PRINT CLUB AT THE ARCADE (ALSO KNOWN AS PURINTO KURABU (OR PURI-KURA), TO THOSE WHO PREFER ENGRISH).

AFTERWARDS, YOU CAN WORK ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN TO PRETTY UP YOUR PICS WITH FLOWERS, STRAWBERRIES AND RAINBOWS. IF I WASN’T CLEARLY SO MACHO, I MIGHT WORRY ABOUT MY PARTICIPATION COMING ACROSS AS A LITTLE… GAY... PERHAPS.

NOTHING A NIGHT OF SITTING AROUND WITH FAT DUDES TALKING BASEBALL STATS COULDN’T REMEDY, THOUGH.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 2

2008-02-29T10:11:00.004-05:00

HERE ARE SOME INTERESTING PHOTOS FROM KAGOSHIMA THAT YOU WON'T POSSIBLY FIND INTERESTING.

THIS IS THE VIEW FROM MY HOTEL WINDOW. WHY DID I BOTHER TO TAKE A PICTURE OF IT? SOMETIMES THE QUESTION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ANSWER.

EXCEPT IN THIS CASE. NEITHER IS WORTH A DAMN.

HERE'S THE COLONEL REACHING OUT WITH HIS WITHERED OLD HANDS TO CLEAVE THROUGH YOUR RIBCAGE AND PULL OUT YOUR SOUL. THIS MAN'S FACE REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT I HATE ABOUT THE MEAT INDUSTRY.

AND OLD PEOPLE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 1

2008-02-25T19:49:00.002-05:00

ON OCCASION I TRY TO MAKE IT TO THE MAINLAND TO ENJOY WHAT THE RURAL LIFE ON MY ISLAND CAN'T PROVIDE. THINGS LIKE BUILDINGS WITH MORE THAN THREE FLOORS, HIGHWAYS WITH MORE THAN ONE LANE (BY WHICH OF COURSE I MEAN ONE LANE SHARED BY BOTH DIRECTIONS), AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY... AFFORDABLE LETTUCE.

HERE'S A ROMANTIC MOMENT BETWEEN TWO FRIENDS AT A MARRIAGE RENT-A-ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF AN OUTDOOR MALL.

I TOLD MY PAL XINGLING THIS SIGN BELOW WAS MY BELOVED ISLAND. A CLOSE LOOK REVEALS THAT THIS PARTICULAR ISLAND HAS ABOUT 3 HOMES ON IT, AND A SMALL BICYCLE. SEE, IT'S FUNNY CUZ MY PLACE HAS ABOUT 8 OR 9 HOMES, AND AT LEAST 2 SCOOTERS. CLEVER, RIGHT? ...Hmmm, GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

STAYING ON THE MAINLAND IS A NICE VACATION FOR MY BRAIN, TOO. I GET TO SPEAK AS LITTLE JAPANESE AS POSSIBLE, SINCE XING'S JAPANESE IS JUST AS GOOD AS (IF NOT BETTER) THAN MINE (THOUGH I WON'T ADMIT THAT TO THAT... uhhh, EVEN THOUGH I JUST DID).

IT'S ESPECIALLY FUN TO LET HER DO ALL THE TALKING WITH THE LOCALS SINCE (BY THE JUDGEMENT OF SOME) SHE SOMEWHAT RESEMBLES THEM (OR TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, SHE'S MORE LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN AS JAPANESE THAN I AM... PERHAPS). THE PUZZLED LOOKS ON STORE CLERK FACES WHEN THEY HEAR HER ACCENT ARE PHOTO-WORTHY. FOR PERSPECTIVE, TRY PICTURING A MAN WITH A 10-GALLON COWBOY HAT AND HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE ASKING YOU FOR DIRECTIONS WITH THE ACCENT OF A MILD-MANNERED BRITISH GENTLEMAN.

THESE OUTDOOR HEATERS ARE QUITE NICE IN THE WINTER TIME, IF YOU DON'T MIND STANDING NO FURTHER THAN A FOOT AWAY WITH YOUR ARMS RAISED THE ENTIRE TIME. WHAT THEY LACK IN ENERGY EFFICIENCY, THEY MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR WITH... SOMETHING ELSE... I'M ASSUMING.

RACE DAY - PART 4: THE CHICKS

2008-02-21T23:06:00.010-05:00

RACE DAY - PART 3: THE CHICKS

2008-02-21T21:47:00.011-05:00

THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN. I THINK MOST FOLKS FROM MISSISSIPPI, THE MIDDLE EAST, AND HERE IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF JAPAN MIGHT AGREE. EXCEPT THEY MIGHT TAKE IT TO MEAN GREAT WOMEN SHOULD BE BEHIND GREAT MEN, BOTH FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY.

ON RACE DAY, THE BOYS GOT TO GO FIRST. THEIR STRETCH WAS 7.5km. THE GIRLS WENT NEXT, HAVING ONLY TO COMPLETE 4.8km. EVERYONE DID GREAT.

I'M NO AUTHORITY ON WHAT THE TWO SEXES ARE AND AREN'T CAPABLE OF... BUT I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHICH HALF OF THE SPECIES IS THE SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO VOGUEING, NO?

RACE DAY - PART 2: THE DUDES

2008-02-14T20:08:00.009-05:00

BEING LATE TO SCHOOL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED HERE.
VERY STRONGLY DISCOURAGED.

RACE DAY - PART 1: THE DUDES

2008-02-13T21:12:00.014-05:00

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE NOTHING SEEMS TO GO RIGHT; YOUR PATIENCE IS TESTED AT EVERY TURN; EVERY SINGLE THING GOING ON AROUND YOU SERVES TO PUSH YOU CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EDGE OF THROWING A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM AND DECLARING YOUR UNADULTERATED HATRED FOR EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT, INCLUDING THEIR PARENTS, CHILDREN, AND SECOND COUSINS?

NO? ME NEITHER. DON'T KNOW WHY I BROUGHT IT UP.

THE OTHER WEEK MY HIGH SCHOOL HAD EVERY STUDENT RUN A BIG GIANT LAP AROUND THE TOWN. I WAS THERE WITH MY CAMERA TO DOCUMENT THE FUN. AS IT TURNS OUT, PUSHING YOUR BODY TO THE POINT JUST SHORT OF VOMITING, FOLLOWED BY COLLAPSING UNCONSCIOUSLY INTO A POOL OF SAID VOMIT... hmmm, not so much fun from the looks of it.

EDUCATE... WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

2008-02-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WAS STRICT? YOU'VE GOT NO IDEA, MAN. NO IDEA.

THINGS THAT I CAN NEVER UNSEE

2008-01-30T22:42:00.000-05:00

I'VE SEEN SOME TRULY REMARKABLE THINGS SINCE I'VE ARRIVED ON THESE SHORES. TAKE FOR EXAMPLE...

-AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD STEPPING INTO THE CENTER OF A HEAVILY TRAFFICKED ROAD, LEADING A MONSTROUSLY OVERSIZED FIGHTING BULL (BRED SIMPLY TO HURT OTHER BULLS) BY ITS NOSE
-A BIKE THAT FOLDS IN HALF
-A GECKO DESPERATELY TRYING TO SCRAMBLE UP MY LEG TO AVOID DROWNING WHILE I SHOWERED
-BOULDERS THE SIZE OF TRUCKS DELICATELY PERCHED UPON UNIMAGINABLY THIN BASES CARVED AWAY BY TIME AND THE WAVES OF THE OCEAN

-A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HAND
-A REAR VIEW CAMERA FOR PARKING THAT DISPLAYS COMPUTER OVERLAYS OF CALCULATED ANGLES AND DISTANCES
-A LIVE (AND QUITE ACTIVE) VOLCANO SITTING ALONGSIDE A BUSTLING URBAN CITY

-A MAN USING AN EIGHT FOOT ROD TO BEAT A POISONOUS SNAKE TO DEATH NEXT TO MY DRIVEWAY
-A CROWD OF HYSTERICAL JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS REACTING TO MY PRESENCE IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THE BEATLES WERE GREETED WHEN LANDING IN AMERICA (INCLUDING AUTOGRAPH REQUESTS AND TEARS... DON'T ASK WHY, I'M JUST A CLUELESS)
-A CELL PHONE WITH TV RECEPTION
-A PARCHED GOAT DRINKING FROM IT’S OWN SWOLLEN NIPPLES

-AN INJURED CAT VIOLENTLY FLOPPING UP AND DOWN 2 FEET IN THE AIR BEFORE COLLAPSING IN A POOL OF ITS OWN BLOOD
-"HONOR SYSTEM" VEGETABLE STANDS WITH NO ATTENDANTS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY
-A FURIOUS THREE LEGGED DOG CHASING ME OFF ITS PROPERTY
-AND THIS THING! WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEN FRANKLIN IS THIS THING?!?

ALL THOSE MOMENTS WILL BE LOST IN TIME... LIKE TEARS IN RAIN.

ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

2008-01-29T02:12:00.000-05:00

10 PM. PHONE RINGS. HUH? NOBODY CALLS ME AT 10PM. IT’S A TEACHER WONDERING IF I’LL BE ABLE TO ATTEND HER 2ND PERIOD CLASS ON TIME TOMORROW, SINCE I’M APPARENTLY EXPECTED AT ANOTHER SCHOOL FOR FIRST PERIOD.

WHAT? I DON’T HAVE THAT SCHOOL ON MY SCHEDULE. I’VE ALREADY GOT ANOTHER SCHOOL TO DO IN THE AFTERNOON. THREE IN ONE DAY? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING. TOO LATE TO CALL THE SCHOOLS. TOO LATE TO CALL MY ADVISOR. RESTLESS NIGHT’S SLEEP WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO.

MORNING. BACK AND FORTH CALLS BETWEEN MYSELF, MY ADVISOR, AND VARIOUS BOARDS OF EDUCATION. EVERYONE IS CONFUSED AND STRESSED.

ONE HOUR LATER. TURNS OUT THE TEACHER WAS LOOKING AT THE FEBRUARY PAGE OF THE CALENDAR, NOT JANUARY. OOPS.

CLASS TIME. I SHOW THIS TEACHER SOME SMALL AMERICAN CANDIES I BROUGHT AS PRIZES FOR STUDENTS WHO SUCCESSFULLY PARTICIPATE IN MY CAREFULLY PLANNED VIDEO PRESENTATION. HER EYES LIGHT UP. I’M TOLD IT’S A GREAT IDEA, AND THE CHILDREN WILL BE EXCITED. SHE'S RIGHT. ALL GOES WELL.

CLASS ENDS. THIS TEACHER FROWNS AND INFORMS ME THAT I SHOULDN’T GIVE CANDY TO STUDENTS. IT’S AGAINST SOME KIND OF RULE. A RULE THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO OTHER SCHOOLS, HAS NOT APPLIED ON OTHER DAYS, AND DID NOT APPLY ONE HOUR EARLIER. NEW RULE, I GUESS. NOW I’M LEFT WITHOUT THE CRUCIAL BRIBERY TO MOVE MY LESSON PLAN ALONG PROPERLY. NOW ALL THE OTHER CLASSES KNOW I GAVE TREATS TO ONE CLASS AND NOT ANYONE ELSE. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHY.

LUNCHTIME. AS I OFTEN USE VIDEO IN CLASS, I JOKE WITH THE TEACHER THAT “SOMEDAY” I WILL PREPARE SOMETHING DOESN’T REQUIRE SETTING UP THE PROJECTOR. JUST A JOKE, BUT SHE EMPHATICALLY INFORMS ME THAT TO SEE SUCH THINGS IS REALLY RARE FOR THE STUDENTS ON THE ISLAND, AND THAT THE VIDEOS AND PHOTOS I SHOW ON MY MONTHLY VISIT ARE ALWAYS GREATLY ANTICIPATED.

11PM. I’M IN BED. CHECK MY EMAIL AND FIND A MAIL FROM TODAY’S TEACHER. I’M ASKED TO NOT USE VIDEO THE NEXT TIME I VISIT.

HOME FOR THE HORIDEIZU

2008-01-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

WENT BACK TO AMERICA BRIEFLY TO EAT SOME ITALIAN FOOD AND PICK UP MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. THE RETURN TRIP BACK TO JAPAN WAS REMARKABLE IN ITS LENGTH, A FACT MADE ALL THE MORE NOTICEABLE BY THE COMPLETE MALFUNCTIONING OF ALL TVs ON THE PLANE. HERE'S HOW IT PLAYED OUT...

05 HOURS: SLEEP
14 HOURS: NEW YORK TO TOKYO
03 HOURS: TOKYO LAY-OVER
03 HOURS: TOKYO TO OKINAWA
08 HOURS: OKINAWA LAY-OVER
10 HOURS: OKINAWA TO TOKUNOSHIMA (VIA FERRY)
½ HOUR: WALK HOME FROM FERRY PORT

DUE TO THE CURVATURE OF THE EARTH AND OTHER SCIENTIFIC MUMBO JUMBO, THE TRANS-PACIFIC FLIGHT TAKES A DETOUR WAAAY THE HELL UP NORTH INSTEAD OF TRAVELING IN A STRAIGHT LINE TO JAPAN. TAKES LESS TIME. UP THERE, THE SUN TENDS TO CROSS THE SKY HORIZONTALLY INSTEAD OF VERTICALLY. I WAS REMINDED OF THIS WHEN I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND NOTICED AN HOUR HAD PASSED SINCE THE SUN BEGAN TO DIP…

…AND THEN ANOTHER HOUR…

…AND THEN ANOTHER HOUR. GROOVY PICKLES!

INOJOUFUTA

2007-12-15T20:55:00.003-05:00

THESE ARE THE PICS FROM INOJOUFUTA THAT I PROMISED IN MY EARLIER BIRTHDAY POST. NOTE THE TWO DUDES FISHING FROM THE OVERHANG.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SPOT, BUT THE CRASHING WAVES AND KNIFE EDGE ROCKS MAKE SWIMMING AN IMPOSSIBILITY. WERE YOU TO STEP FOOT IN THE WATER, YOU WOULD BE TORN TO RAGGEDY STRIPS OF FLESH BEFORE YOU COULD SAY, "OOH, CHILLY!" LIKE DATING A CRAZY CHICK, THE DANGER IS PART OF WHAT MAKES THE EXPERIENCE SO BEAUTIFUL.

JUST BEYOND THE COASTLINE IS AN ALTAR TO THE SEA CREATED BY (AND SLOWLY BEING UNDONE BY) MOTHER NATURE. IT RISES FROM THE WATERLINE TO COLLECT ON ITS FLATTENED TOP A SERENE POOL PROTECTED FROM THE TUMULTUOUS WAVES CRASHING AGAINST IT. I'M THINKING IT JUST MIGHT BE THE MOST INTERESTING NATURAL FORMATION I'VE EVER SEEN.

JAPAN'S UNDERGROUND SCENE

2007-12-15T11:42:00.002-05:00

IT WAS THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. I WOKE UP AND CALLED HOME TO WISH MY SISTER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY (HERS IS THE DAY AFTER MINE. YES, I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SHARE ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD BIRTHDAY PARTIES WITH HER AND HER GROSS GIRLY FRIENDS). HOWEVER, ON THIS MORNING I WAS THE ONE BEING WISHED A HAPPY DAY OF BIRTH. OHHH, THAT’S RIGHT! I ALMOST FORGOT THAT I LIVE IN THE FUTURE. JAPAN IS 14 HOURS AHEAD OF AMERICA, SO TECHNICALLY, IT WAS STILL MY DAY. RIGHTEOUS!

LATER, I GOT A CALL FROM MY FRIEND LAURA ASKING IF I’D CARE TO JOIN HER BOYFRIEND’S FAMILY ON A HIKE.

“SURE, I LOVE HIKES.”

I WAS TOLD TO WEAR LONG CLOTHING THAT I WOULDN’T MIND GETTING WET.

“UH, SURE. I KIND OF LIKE WET HIKES.”

SHE CALLED BACK SHORTLY AND TOLD ME I HAD 10 MINUTES TO GET READY AND GO TO THE STORE TO BUY FLASHLIGHTS.

“ERR, SURE, I GUESS. IT’S POSSIBLE I MIGHT ENJOY RUSHED SOGGY DAYTIME HIKES OF MYSTERY THAT REQUIRE FLASHLIGHTS. UM, WHERE ARE WE GOING AGAIN?”

SHE WASN’T SURE HERSELF. SHE WAS ONLY TOLD WHAT TO BRING AND WHAT TIME TO GATHER BY. AFTER A LOT OF SCRAMBLING WE MET UP IN TOWN WITH A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE IN HARD HATS CAREFULLY SCANNING SOME MAP LAYOUTS.

“SAY LAURA, I WAS WONDERING… WHAT THE F**K HAVE YOU GOT ME INVOLVED IN HERE?”

TURNS OUT WE WERE TO GO CAVE EXPLORING. THE GUIDE WENT THROUGH A BRIEF EXPLANATION ON HOW TO USE AN ODD LOOKING TOURNIQUET DEVICE DESIGNED TO CUT OFF THE BLOOD SUPPLY TO A LIMB AND HELP EXTEND YOUR LIFE ANOTHER 20 OR 30 MINUTES IN THE CASE OF A SNAKE BITE.

“SAY… COULD YOU REPEAT THAT PART ABOUT, UH… EVERYTHING? IT’S JUST THAT I DON’T REALLY SPEAK JAPANESE SO WELL, AND I’M KIND OF ALLERGIC TO DEADLY POISONS.”

THIS WAS TO BE SOME SERIOUS GOSH DARN CAVING. NOT THE KIND WHERE YOU BUY A TICKET AND FOLLOW A MARKED PATH TO ADMIRE ALL THE WELL LIT WALLS. NO, THIS IS THE KIND OF CAVE WHERE YOU ENTER A DEEP HOLE IN THE GROUND AND CRAWL THROUGH A SERIES OF VARIED TUNNELS BARELY AS WIDE AS YOUR SHOULDERS. THIS IS THE KIND OF CAVE WHERE IF YOU ARE ALONE AND YOUR FLASHLIGHT DIES, YOU DIE TOO. SERIOUSLY.

SO WHAT BETTER WAY TO MAKE THE ADVENTURE EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN BY BRINGING ALONG YOUR SMALL CHILD, RIGHT? WELL, I’VE GOT A BETTER WAY. HOW ABOUT ALSO BRINGING THAT SMALL CHILD’S FRIEND ALONG WITHOUT HIS PARENTS?

BEFORE DESCENDING INTO THE PIT OF DARKNESS, WE PARKED HALF OF OUR CARAVAN OF CARS IN ONE LOCATION, AND THE REST AT ANOTHER SPOT DOWN THE ROAD. WHY…? I DON’T KNOW. I GAVE UP ASKING “WHY” IN JAPAN SOME TIME AGO.

BY THE WAY, I DIDN’T TAKE THESE PICTURES (WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN THE UNUSUAL PRESENCE OF ACTUAL PEOPLE IN THE SHOTS, AS OPPOSED TO MY PREFERRED STYLE OF TAKING CLOSE-UPS OF PROFOUNDLY UNINTERESTING OBJECTS).

NONE OF THESE PHOTOS DO MUCH JUSTICE TO HOW DARK AND TIGHT MOST OF THE CAVE WAS. THEY WERE TAKEN IN THE FEW SPOTS WHERE WE HAD ROOM TO STAND AROUND AND POINT OUR LIGHTS IN THE SAME DIRECTION. THE MAJORITY OF OUR TIME WAS SPENT IN A SINGLE FILE LINE TRUDGING THROUGH WATER UP TO OUR NIPPLES, UNAWARE OF ANYTHING THAT WAS NOT IN DIRECTLY IN THE SPOTLIGHT OF OUR OWN HEADLAMP. SUCH CONDITIONS DON’T FACILITATE THE TAKING OF NICE SNAPSHOTS, THOUGH.

PLEASE NOTE THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND BELOW. I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S EXAMINING THE ROCK FORMATIONS, OR CHECKING OUT LAURA'S SOGGY BOTTOM WITH HIS FLASHLIGHT.

AT ONE BREAK POINT, OUR GUIDE HAD US ALL SHUT OFF OUR LIGHTS. YOU KNOW, FOR KICKS. THAT WAS THE DARKEST DARK THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN, OR RATHER, THAT I HAVE NOT EVER SEEN. COMPLETE AND TOTAL ABSENCE OF ILLUMINATION. THE ONLY HINT THAT MY FINGERS WERE WAVING BACK AND FORTH 2 INCHES FROM MY BLINDED EYEBALLS WAS THE FACT THAT MY BRAIN HAD INSTRUCTED THEM TO DO SO AS A TEST.

THESE CRAMPED, WET, DARK CONDITIONS MADE FOR A FASCINATING EXPERIENCE - BUT IT’S NOT THE KIND OF PLACE YOU’D WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE YOU SUSPECT MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

AND SO IT WAS THAT AT 45 MINUTES INTO OUR DESCENT, I CAME TO REALIZE THAT THE MAN CROUCHING DIRECTLY BEHIND ME MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

HIS BREATHS CAME TOO HARD, TOO HEAVY, AND WAY TOO FAST. HE WAS INCHES AWAY FROM MY PROTRUDING BUTT, AND SEEMED QUITE EAGER TO PUSH PAST IT.

HOOOOOLEEEEEEEE….SH**********************T!!!
IF THIS DUDE FREAKS, WE ARE IN SERIOUS, SERIOUS TROUBLE. IF HE’S UNABLE TO CONTINUE, THOSE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE BEHIND HIM WILL BE EQUALLY UNABLE TO CONTINUE. GOOD LUCK TRYING TO TURN BACK WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE CAVE GUIDE TRAPPED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF YOUR PARALYZED COMPATRIOT. IF OUR MORNING MEETING COVERED WHAT TO DO IN CASE SOMEONE BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK HAS A PANIC ATTACK, MY LANGUAGE SKILLS WEREN’T UP TO THE TASK OF MAKING ANY USE OF SUCH ADVICE. I ASKED IF HE WAS OK. HE GRUNTED. I ASSUMED IT WAS MEANT AS A RESPONSE.

COMING TO A COMFORTABLE SPOT WHERE WE COULD ALMOST STRETCH OUR ELBOWS OUT AND RAISE OUR HEADS TO A HEIGHT OF 4 FEET, OUR GUIDE GAVE US A VERY CAUTIOUS WARNING ABOUT WHAT WAS WAITING FOR US AROUND THE CORNER. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW YOUR LISTENING SKILLS IMPROVE WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. I HAD A CHOICE OF TWO PATHS.

CHOICE 1: CLIMB UP 4 FEET AND OUT THROUGH A CRAGGY OPENING IN THE WALL THAT WAS WIDE ENOUGH TO ACCOMODATE A HUMAN HEAD PLUS ONE SHOULDER. AT THE OTHER SIDE WAS ANOTHER WALL REQUIRING A 90 DEGREE TWIST AS YOU PASSED THROUGH (IF YOU PASSED THROUGH).

CHOICE 2: DROP DOWN INTO A TUNNEL STRETCHING 2 METERS LONG WITH ABOUT 4 INCHES OF BREATHING SPACE BETWEEN THE WATER LEVEL AND THE CEILING. ALMOST ENOUGH ROOM TO KEEP YOUR EYES AND NOSE FROM BEING SUBMERGED IF YOU LOOK STRAIGHT UP AND MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH BY TOUCH.

UM, YEAH… I’LL TAKE CHOICE NUMBER 1, THANKS.

LUCKY FOR ME, BREATHY McBREATHERSON BEHIND ME DID NOT YET HAVE THE SPACE TO MANUEVER IN FRONT OF ME AND POTENTIALLY CUT OFF MY ESCAPE BACK TO THE SURFACE. IN A FEAT OF EXCRUTIANTINGLY SLOW GYMNASTICS THAT I WAS UNAWARE I WAS EVEN CAPABLE OF, I WAS ABLE TO SQUEEZE MY FRONT HALF THROUGH THE HOLE, TWIST MYSELF INTO A PRETZEL SHAPE, AND EVENTUALLY PUSH MY LEGS BACK BENEATH ME AGAIN FOR A SAFE LANDING.

AFTER ABOUT ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF WALKING LIKE DUCKS, WE MANAGED TO MAKE IT TOWARDS THE END OF OUR UNDERGROUND TREK. THERE WERE ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE ROCKS FORMATIONS ALONG THE WAY, EACH REPRESENTING A TREMENDOUS EFFORT BY THE FORCES OF GRAVITY AND MOISTURE TO SCULPT SOMETHING PARTICULARLY WEIRD AND FUNKY LOOKING. EVERY TIME WE BUMPED OUR HARD HATS ON A SHARP STALACTITE (WHICH HAPPENED ABOUT ONCE EVERY 5 MINUTES), THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF HISTORY DROPPED TO THE GROUND IN THE FORM OF A CHIPPED PEBBLE OR TWO.

I FOUND QUITE A SURPRISE OFF IN ONE OF THE COUNTLESS DARK LITTLE CORNERS. WE WERE NOT YET NEAR ANY POTENTIAL SOURCE OF LIGHT WHATSOEVER, BUT HERE WAS THIS BRAVE LITTLE SPROUT RAISING ITSELF FROM THE GROUND AND SHAKING ITS FISTS DEFIANTLY AT GOD AND HIS FEEBLE LAWS OF NATURE. Ahhh, A PLANT AFTER MY OWN HEART.

AFTER CLIMBING A ROPE OUT OF THIS HOLE NATURE HADN’T QUITE INTENDED US TO CLIMB INTO IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE MADE OUR WAY OUT OF THE SNAKE INFESTED WOODS AND BACK TO OUR TWO SEPARATE PARKING AREAS. EVERYONE BEGAN STRIPPING NAKED OUT OF THEIR WET CLOTHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS DIRT ROAD. AHA - THUS, THE REASON FOR THE SEPARATE PARKING AREAS. ONE FOR NEKKID DUDES. ONE FOR NEKKID CHICKS. ANYONE DRIVING BY WOULD GET A FULL SHOW OF US IN ALL OUR SHAME/GLORY… BUT AT LEAST WE WOULDN’T SEE EACH OTHER. ON THE SCALE OF WELL THOUGHT OUT PLANS, I GIVE THIS ONE A B- (WHICH IS QUITE A BIT HIGHER THAN I TEND TO GRADE MOST OF THE BEHAVIOR I ENCOUNTER THESE DAYS).

DESPITE BEING BACK OUT IN THE OPEN, THAT EDGY FELLOW WHO HAD MY PULSE RAISED A FEW NOTCHES HIGHER FOR THE LATTER HALF OF OUR EXCERSION WAS STILL DRAWING BREATHS AS IF THE WORLD WAS CLOSING IN ON HIM. HE CONTINUED TO SHRUG OFF ANY CONCERN SHOWN TO HIM, THOUGH. MAYBE IT WAS A BAD MIX OF DUSTY CAVE AIR AND ASTHMA. OR MAYBE HE’S JUST A REAL CREEPY SON-OF-A-MOTHER. I’M GUESSING BOTH.

HERE WE ARE POSING FOR OUR GROUP SHOT BEFORE PARTING WAYS. AS THERE WERE ONLY 3 PEOPLE UNACCOUNTED FOR, THE REMAINING 16 OF US TO MAKE IT OUT OF THE CAVE ALIVE REGARDED THE DAY AS A SUCCESS. IT WAS CERTAINLY A BIRTHDAY-AND-A-HALF THAT I SHANT FORGET ANYTIME SOON.

HAPPA BAPPADAY

2007-12-01T00:32:00.001-05:00

I WOKE UP A FEW WEEKS AGO ONE YEAR OLDER THAN I WAS THE DAY BEFORE. I DON'T CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY ANYMORE. INSTEAD, I CELEBRATE THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY 29th BIRTHDAY. IT'S A DIFFICULT THING TO EXPLAIN IN JAPANESE.

MY FRIEND LAURA INVITED ME TO A FARMER'S FAIR WHERE SHE WAS SERVING GOAT SOUP. A CHANCE TO TASTE GOAT IN LIQUID FORM, YOU SAY? IT'LL BE A COLD DAY IN MY HUMID ISLAND BEFORE I PASS UP AN INVITATION THAT GOOD!

AT THE FAIRGROUND, MY FRIEND WAS WALKING HAND IN HAND WITH A LITTLE 6 YEAR OLD CUTIE NAMED ASUKA. IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE ASUKA GRABBED MY HAND AND BEGAN PULLING ME HERE AND THERE AS WELL. I WOULD INFORM ANYONE WHO LOOKED AT OUR ODD TRIO STRANGELY THAT SHE WAS OUR DAUGHTER. THIS WAS MET WITH POLITE NODS.

LAURA'S MAIN SQUEEZE YOSHIRO WAS UP FOR THE ANNUAL UDON (NOODLE) EATING CONTEST. LAST YEAR HE CAME IN 2nd TO A SIZABLE YOUNG LADY WHO INHALES FOOD, AS OPPOSED TO EATING IT. THIS YEAR, HOWEVER, HE CRUSHED ALL WHO OPPOSED HIM. 15 SMALL BOWLS IN 3 MINUTES. I WAS AS AMAZED AS I WAS APPALLED.

AFTERWARDS, I WENT OFF ON MY OWN TO A SPECIAL SPOT CALLED INOJOUFUTA. IT'S AN UNEARTHLY COASTLINE COMPRISED OF KNIFE-EDGE ROCKS AND DEAD CORAL OUTCROPS. TRULY A THING TO SEE (YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T SEE YET - THE PHOTOS AIN'T READY).

THAT NIGHT I WENT TO AN IZAKAYA TO MEET A FEW FRIENDS AND COWORKERS FOR FOOD UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT IT WAS IN HONOR OF MY CONTINUING AGING PROCESS. THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT JAPANESE CULTURE IS THAT THEY ALL FELT OBLIGATED TO BRING A GIFT. THE AWFUL FLIPSIDE TO JAPANESE CULTURE IS THAT I WILL NOW HAVE TO DO THE SAME FOR THEIR BIRTHDAYS.

AFTER 3 HOURS OF EATING, DRINKING, AND TALKING NONSENSE, MANY OF THE REMAINING PARTY-GOERS INSISTED ON CONTINUING THE DRINKING AND NONSENSE TALKING PORTION OF THE CELEBRATION AT A LOCAL SNACK BAR (CHECK BACK A FEW POSTS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT A SNACK BAR IS, AND WHY I WAS LESS THAN THRILLED BY THIS PROPOSITION).

SO... MY FIRST STEP INTO THE BAR OF SNACKS, REPLETE WITH TREPIDATION. WE WERE SEATED IN THE CORNER AND PROVIDED WITH TWO FEMALE CONVERSATION PARTNERS - A MODERNIZED AND PROFOUNDLY LESS ROMANTICIZED INCARNATION OF THE ANCIENT GEISHA GIRL. THE WHITE FACES AND ELABORATE KIMINOS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY MASCARA AND PROM DRESSES FAR TOO SHORT TO SIT PROPERLY IN. THE GIRL TO MY RIGHT SEEMED NICE ENOUGH. IT WAS HER FIRST WEEK ON THE JOB. SHE CAME TO THE ISLAND FOR THE SURFING, AND THIS WORK IS CLOSE TO THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY AVAILABLE TO YOUNG FEMALES MOVING HERE. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TRAINING SHE COULD HAVE HAD IN THE VAUNTED "ART OF CONVERSATION" YET, BUT SHE SEEMED TO HAVE NO TROUBLE WITH MY POOR GRAMMAR, AND SHE WAS CAREFUL TO DUMB DOWN HER VOCABULARY TO MY LEVEL - SO SHE GETS MY STAMP OF APPROVAL. IT WAS AN ODD VIBE TO KNOW SHE WAS BEING PAID TO CHAT WITH ME, SO I DISCARDED ANY PRETENSE THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY FLIRTING, AND HAD A FRANK CHAT ABOUT HOW SHE FELT ABOUT WORKING THERE. HER RESPONSES SEEMED SURPRISINGLY HONEST. I WISH HER THE BEST, AND HOPE TO NEVER SPEAK TO HER UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES AGAIN.

AFTER THE ENTIRE BAR SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, IT WAS CLOSING TIME. EVERYONE STUMBLED OUT, AND ON THE WAY HOME I MET A NUMBER OF HOMEBOUND ASSOCIATES AND COWORKERS DOING THEIR OWN RESPECTIVE STUMBLING. I ALSO CAME ACROSS TWO TRUCKS PARKED IN AN ODDLY SUGGESTIVE MANNER. WHY AM I SUDDENLY REMINDED OF THAT MOVIE "REQUIEM FOR A DREAM"?

HAVING SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED THE 30 MINUTE 2am STROLL HOME WITHOUT BEING HIT BY ANY DRUNK DRIVERS, I'D HAVE TO LABEL THIS AS ONE OF THE MORE SPECIAL BIRTHDAYS I'VE HAD IN QUITE A WHILE.

NO, NOT BIRTHDAY. IT WAS ONE OF THE MORE SPECIAL ANNIVERSARIES OF MY 29TH BIRTHDAY THAT I'VE HAD IN A WHILE. THANKS, EVERYONE.

AN ODE TO HUMIDITY

2007-11-30T21:24:00.000-05:00

THE HUMIDITY HERE IS AN OBSCENITY
IT IS A SACRILEGE
THE SUN IS A MONSTROUSITY FILLED WITH HATE
THE AIR IS AN ABOMINATION
PURE SALTY FILTH IN GASEOUS FORM
IT RUINS THE SKIN, TEARS AT THE LUNGS, AND CRUSHES THE MIND
IT BLEEDS THE SOUL DRY THROUGH EVERY PORE ON YOUR BODY

IT IS SO HUMID HERE, MY ARM HAIRS LOOK LIKE I’VE HAD THEM PERMED AT THE SALON. MY FACE IS A CONSTANT SHEEN OF GREASE AND SALT. RIVERS OF FILTHY PERSPIRATION FLOW OFF OF ME FROM PARTS OF MY BODY I WAS PREVIOUSLY UNAWARE COULD PRODUCE MOISTURE .

“BUT JIM,” YOU SAY, “YOU LIVE ON AN ISLAND. ISN’T THERE AT LEAST SOMETHING OF AN OCEAN BREEZE TO ENJOY?” I REPLY, “YES, THERE IS… AND IT IS AS REFRESHING AS A HAIR DRYER TO THE FACE.”

TEACHING CLASS IS A BATTLE OF ENDURANCE, TESTING MY BODY’S ABILITY TO MAINTAIN ENOUGH INTERNAL HYDRATION TO STAY ALIVE FOR THE NEXT HOUR. I DON’T SIMPLY SWEAT. I SPRAY SALT WATER FROM THE ENTIRETY OF MY EPIDERMUS. BEFORE EACH CLASS, I SET UP THE SAME SIGN THEY USE AT SEA WORLD ATTRACTIONS. “IF YOU ARE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROWS, YOU WILL GET WET!” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SWEATY DANCE ROUTINES FROM THE MOVIE “FLASHDANCE”? I UNINTENTIONALLY RE-ENACT THOSE SCENES ON A DAILY BASIS. A SLIGHT TWIST OF MY HEAD SENDS A FOUNTAIN OF WATER DROPLETS SHIMMERING THROUGH THE AIR. I LIVE… THEREFORE I SWEAT.

I DON’T MUCH CARE FOR THE HUMIDITY HERE.

TANJOUBI OMEDETOU TO ME!

2007-11-23T04:50:00.001-05:00

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! BOO!

BUT TODAY I SAW A SHARK WHILE WATCHING THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN. YAY!

HOW TO TURN YOUR LIFE UPSIDE-DOWN. STEP 1:

2007-11-16T08:15:00.002-05:00

I STEP OFF THE PLANE, AND STEP INTO JAPAN. TURNING BACK IS AN OPTION NO LONGER AVAILABLE TO ME. MY YEAR LONG OBLIGATION TO LIVE IN THIS FOREIGN LAND HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

WE ARE BUSED TO AN ENORMOUS HOTEL IN THE CENTER OF TOKYO FOR A WEEK’S WORTH OF ORIENTATION. I’M TO SHARE A ROOM WITH TWO OTHER STRANGERS. HOTEL ROOMS IN JAPAN ARE SMALL AND TIGHT. HOTEL ROOMS IN JAPAN SHARED BY THREE DUDES ARE ESPECIALLY SMALL AND TIGHT. THESE KIDS SEEMED NICE ENOUGH AT FIRST, BUT ONE OF THEM TURNED OUT TO BE LESS THAN AN IDEAL ROOMIE. HE SLEPT NO MORE THAN A FOOT AWAY FROM ME – AND AT VARYING POINTS IN OUR JET-LAGGED SLUMBERS THE MOST CURIOUS OF NOISES CAME FROM THAT BED OF HIS. RUSTLING AND SCRATCHING NOISES. UNUSUALLY ENTHUSIASTIC SCRATCHING. THESE SCRATCHING EFFORTS LASTED FOR A GOOD FOUR MINUTES AT A TIME, AND INCLUDED QUITE A BIT OF MOANING.

NOTHING ADDS TO THE DIFFICULTIES OF A RESTLESS NIGHT QUITE LIKE SUSPECTING THAT A MAN A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM YOU IS, UH… TAKING MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.

THE ODD THING IS, HE WAS STILL BREATHING LIKE A HIBERNATING BEAR. I’M ALMOST CERTAIN HE WAS ASLEEP. I COULDN’T QUITE FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND TRIED MY BEST TO NOT FIGURE IT OUT – EVEN WHEN THIS AWFUL BEHAVIOR CONTINUED EACH FOLLOWING NIGHT.

ON OUR LAST MORNING IN THE HOTEL, I WAS ALONE WITH MY NON-MOANING ROOMIE. WHILE PACKING, HE SHEEPISHLY ASKED, “Errr… DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING… WEIRD… LAST NIGHT?”

“YES! YES, I DID! MAN, I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. I FIGURED YOU MIGHT THINK IT WAS ME.”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK HE’S DOING?”

“I’VE GOT NO IDEA, BUT IF IT TURNS OUT HE SIMPLY HAS AN REEEALLY ITCHY RASH ON THE INSIDE OF HIS LEG, I’LL FEEL A LOT BETTER ABOUT THIS PAST WEEK.”

AFTER BREAKFAST, I SAID MY GOODBYES TO DOZENS OF NEW FRIENDS. WE EXCHANGED CONTACT INFO AS A POLITE GESTURE, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT HUMAN NATURE DICTATES NONE OF US WILL MAKE ANY EFFORT TO CONTACT THE OTHER PERSON EVER AGAIN (UNLESS WE CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE TO PROFIT FROM THE INTERACTION).

THOSE OF US TO BE SHIPPED TO THE ASS END OF THE COUNTRY (KAGOSHIMA) WERE PUT ON AN AIRPORT BUS AND TAUGHT HOW TO PROPERLY GREET OUR NEW COWORKERS WITHOUT OFFENDING THEM. IT WASN’T LONG BEFORE WE STEPPED OFF THE PLANE AND INTO THE THRONGS OF TEACHERS AND STUDENTS PATIENTLY WAITING TO WELCOME THEIR NEWLY HIRED ENGLISH EXPERTS. INTRICATELY DECORATED BANNERS AND BALLOONS WERE HELD ALOFT TO LET US KNOW WHICH GROUP OF EXCITED JAPANESE SCHOOL CHILDREN WE WOULD HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BEING ESCORTED HOME BY. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED WAS A SMILING FACE CALLING OUT OUR NAMES. WELL, EVERY NAME BUT MINE, THAT IS.

“OH, THAT’S RIGHT… YOU’RE THE ISLAND DUDE, AREN’T YOU?” SOMEONE SAID, ALMOST APOLOGETICALLY.

AS MY FELLOW WESTERNERS JOINED THEIR NEW FAMILIES, AND THE CHEERFUL CROWD SLOWLY DISPERSED, I WAS HANDED 2 NEW PLANE TICKETS (YEAH, THERE WERE STILL 2 MORE FLIGHTS TO GO) AND WAS ASKED IF I CAN FIGURE OUT MY WAY TO TOKUNOSHIMA ON MY OWN. I TOOK A SEAT IN THE EMPTY WAITING ROOM, AND TRIED TO KEEP MYSELF FROM WONDERING, “WHAT THE F**K AM I DOING HERE?” WITH MODERATE SUCCESS.

THE STEWARDESS ON MY NEXT (TINY) PLANE GAVE HER WELCOME SPEECH IN JAPANESE, AND THEN READ IT AGAIN OFF A PIECE OF PAPER IN ENGLISH. CONSIDERING THAT LITERALLY 0.00011% OF THE ISLAND INHABITANTS (INCLUDING ME) ARE NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS, I WAS FLATTERED BY THE EFFORT. AS THE AIRCRAFT CREPT CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EQUATOR, I NOTED HOW THE SUNSHINE COMING IN THROUGH THE AIRPLANE WINDOW BEGAN TO HURT. REALLY, REALLY HURT.

MY FIRST STEP ONTO THE SOIL OF MY NEW ISLAND HOME GREETS ME WITH A SMACK OF HUMIDITY SO INTENSE THAT IT NEARLY KNOCKED ME BACK INTO THE AIRCRAFT. MY LUNGS RETRACTED IN HORROR AT THIS NEW FORM OF “AIR” THAT THEY NOW HAD TO CONTEND WITH. THE SECOND THING MY SENSES PICKED UP ON WAS THE OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD VOICE OF A CHILD SCREAMING SOME INSANELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE GREETING TO SOMEONE FROM THE ROOF OF THE AIRPORT (IF IT CAN BE CALLED AN “AIRPORT”. PERHAPS “AIR-HOUSE” MIGHT BE MORE APPROPRIATE, SINCE “AIR-SHACK” MY SOUND A BIT RUDE).

INSIDE THE AIR-HOUSE, I AM MET BY A WOMAN ASKING ME TO WAIT A MOMENT FOR HER HUSBAND. MOMENTS LATER HE DESCENDS THE STAIRS WITH THE ROOFTOP GIRL IN HIS ARMS – OR AS I LIKE TO THINK OF HER, A THREE FOOT TALL SET OF VOCAL CHORDS IN THE SHAPE OF A FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD. APPARENTLY HER EAR SHREDDING VOCALIZATIONS AIMED AT THE RUNWAY WERE MEANT AS A GREETING FOR ME. HER NAME IS HARUKA, AND SHE IS THE MOST SPECIAL PERSON ON THIS ISLAND. (MORE ON HER AT ANOTHER TIME)

EVERY ALT (ASSISTANT LANGUAGE TEACHER) IS ASSIGNED AN ADVISOR TO HELP HIM/HER ADJUST TO LIFE IN JAPAN. THEY TAKE CARE OF ALL OUR PAPERWORK, HELP WITH PAYING BILLS, AND SHOW US ALTs HOW TO DO OUR WORK PROPERLY (SINCE ALL OF THE ABOVE IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE FOR A NON-NATIVE TO UNDERSTAND). THE ADVISOR ENABLES SURVIVAL. UNFORTUNATELY, MY ADVISOR IS NOT CAPABLE OF ENABLING MY SURVIVAL. THIS IS BECAUSE MY ISLAND IS SO REMOTE, THE PERSON ASSIGNED TO HELP ME THROUGH MY DAY-TO-DAY BIZNESS DOES NOT EVEN LIVE HERE. IT’S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD, EXCEPT THAT IT’S NOT AT ALL FUNNY.

ANYWAY, THE MAN CARRYING HARUKA IS AN ENGLISH TEACHER AT ONE OF MY (22!!!) SCHOOLS. HE’S BEEN ASSIGNED THE UNENVIABLE TASK OF TAKING ME UNDER HIS WING AS BEST HE CAN, SINCE MY ADVISOR CAN NOT. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE VICE-PRINCIPAL OF MY SCHOOL, WHO IMMEDIATELY INFORMS ME THAT I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE DAVID BECKHAM. THIS UNEXPECTED APPRAISAL QUALIFIES HIM FOR A SPOT ON MY LIST OF “COOL PEOPLE I KNOW”, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS FACILITIES ARE SO CLEARLY IMPAIRED.

FOR MY FIRST TASTE OF THIS NEW ISLAND LIFE, WE STOP AT A ROADSIDE VEGETABLE SHACK SO THAT THEIR NEW VEGETARIAN WILL BE ABLE TO EAT TONIGHT. THE CASH REGISTER IS A WOODEN BOX AND A BROKEN CALCULATOR MANNED BY A SWEET OLD GRANDMOTHER. THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF VEGETABLES TO CHOOSE FROM, NONE OF WHICH I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE. MOMENTS LATER, THE BLUE SKIES SPLIT OPEN. THE TORRENTIAL RAINS, MUCH LIKE THE TEARS OF A GIRLFRIEND, ARE AS LOUD AS THEY ARE UNEXPECTED. IN ABOUT THREE MINUTES, THE SKY IS BLUE AGAIN, AND ENORMOUS COLUMNS OF WHITE CLOUDS BLOSSOM VERTICALLY INTO THE SKY.

I’M TAKEN TO MY NEW HOME. THE GAS IS TURNED ON, THE WATER IS CHECKED, AND I AM LEFT ALONE (WITH MY THREE VEGETABLES) TO SPEND THE NIGHT CONTEMPLATING THIS UNIQUE NEW TURN MY LIFE HAS TAKEN. MY JET LAG PROMISES IT WILL BE A LONG NIGHT.

STORY OF MY LIFE

2007-10-13T09:14:00.001-04:00

I’M NO CITY BOY, BUT LIVING NEXT TO MANHATTAN CERTAINLY HAD ITS PERKS. OPTIONS ABOUND. WITH MINIMAL TRAVELLING EFFORT, I COULD SEE UNUSUAL FILMS, EAT EXOTIC FOODS, AND STEP INTO THE JAPANESE FOREIGN EMBASSY FOR A LOVELY AFTERNOON OF INTERROGATIONS REGARDING MY QUALIFICATIONS FOR OVERSEAS EMPLOYMENT. THE EMPLOYMENT IN QUESTION IS MY CURRENT ENGLISH TEACHING POSITION HERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.

THE JET PROGRAM HIRES HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF NEW YOUNG AMERICAN HOPEFULS TO SEND ACROSS THE PACIFIC, BUT LIKE THE ANNUAL MIGRATION OF BAR-TAILED GODWIT FLOCKS FROM ALASKA TO NEW ZEALAND, THE PROCESS ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR (AS WE ALL KNOW). THAT’S TOO MANY FAT AMERICAN ASSES TO FIT ON A PLANE AT ONCE, SO HALF OF THE STATES LEAVE ON THE LAST WEEKEND OF JULY (GROUP A), AND THE REST FOLLOW ON THE FIRST WEEKEND OF AUGUST (GROUP B). NEW YORK IS IN GROUP A. IF YOU INTERVIEW SUCCESSFULLY WITH GROUP A, YOU LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITH GROUP A. NO CHANGING DATES. NO CHANGING LOCATIONS. NO IFs, ANDs, or BUTs.

PROBLEM. OF ALL THE 365 DAYS THAT THE 12 MONTHS OF THE YEAR HAVE TO OFFER, THE DEPARTURE DATE FOR GROUP A JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SAME DAY AS A PREVIOUS (AND SECRET) PRIOR ENGAGEMENT THAT I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE ABSENT FROM. MY LIFE IS A CALENDAR’S WORTH OF SUPREMELY UNIMPORTANT DAYS, EACH USELESS MOMENT MOCKING ME AS THEY BUFFER THAT ONE PARTICULARLY CRUCIAL DATE. WHAT OUTRAGEOUSLY POOR TIMING! I BELIEVE 15th CENTURY SCHOLAR AND PHILOSOPHER NICHOLAS OF CUSA PUT IT BEST IN HIS SUMMARY ON THE PRINCIPLE OF COINCIDENCE WHEN HE ASKED, “CAN YOU FUCKIN’ BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!?”

AFTER NUMEROUS EMAILS AND PHONE CALLS PLEADING MY CASE TO THE JAPANESE BIGWIGS IN WASHINGTON, I WAS INFORMED THAT MY ONLY OPTION WOULD BE TO INTERVIEW WITH (AND THUS LEAVE WITH) BOSTON’S GROUP B. I WAS ALSO INFORMED THAT THIS WAS A CONCESSION THEY REALLY WEREN’T CRAZY ABOUT MAKING FOR ME… JUST IN CASE I WAS WONDERING.

AND SO IT WAS THAT I WOULD DRIVE 4 HOURS NORTH TO THE HOME OF THE RED SOX, SPEND 15 MINUTES IN THE INTERVIEW HOT SEAT, AND THEN DRIVE BACK ANOTHER 4 HOURS SOUTH TO THE HOME OF THE YANKEES – ALL BEFORE THE SUN HAD SET. FUN.

AUGUST ARRIVES. DESPITE HAVING THE EXTRA WEEK IN AMERICA THAT I WAS AFFORDED BY BEING PART OF GROUP B, MY PENULTIMATE NIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES WOULD BE SPENT WITHOUT SLEEP AS I DESPERATELY SCRAMBLED TO ORGANIZE AND SIGN OFF ON EVERY ASPECT PERTAINING TO MY PREVIOUS LIFE BEFORE LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND (“PENULTIMATE” MEANS SECOND TO LAST, BY THE WAY. IMPRESSED?). I CAN SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY SUCH A MARATHON OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NOT HOW YOU WANT TO PREPARE FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL JET-LAG INDUCING FLIGHTS.

SO AFTER ANOTHER 4 HOUR TRIP TO BOSTON, I BOARD MY PLANE AND DISCOVER THAT GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. WE ARE FLYING BACK TO NEW YORK.

THE PLANE THAT IS ACTUALLY CROSSING THE OCEAN TO JAPAN IS WAITING FOR US ON A RUNWAY A MERE 30 MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. YES, THE BOSTON FLIGHT, WHICH I WAS NOT TO MISS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WAS FLYING ME BACK TO THE HOME I HAD JUST LEFT. AN INTERESTING TONE FOR MY NEW LIFE HAS NOW BEEN SET, AND IT IS CHOCK FULL OF IRONIC GOODNESS.

BUT WAIT. I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU THE PUNCHLINE YET. REMEMBER THAT UNRESOLVABLE SCHEDULE CONFLICT THAT SENT THIS WHOLE SERIES OF SILLY EVENTS INTO MOTION?

It was cancelled.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOGCAST…

2007-10-07T10:08:00.001-04:00

EWW! THAT TITLE MAKES ME CRINGE. BUT I GUESS IT’S APPROPRIATE SINCE I MUST INTERRUPT MY TALES OF VACATIONING IN JAPAN. WHY? BECAUSE I’M NOW LIVING IN JAPAN.

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT WOULD MAKE A PERSON QUIT HIS JOB, LEAVE HIS HOME, AND SAY GOODBYE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GO LIVE IN A COUNTRY PLAGUED BY NATURAL DISASTERS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE GLOBE. EVERYONE IS A STRANGER, THE LANGUAGE IS AN ENIGMA, AND THE LIMITED EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES ENTAIL A GREAT DEAL OF GUT WRENCHING PUBLIC SPEAKING DUTIES. SO WHY? WELL, TO BE HONEST… I REALLY LIKE WHITE RICE.

I AM NOW A MEMBER OF THE INTERNATIONAL J.E.T. PROGRAM. I HAVE BEEN HIRED (ALONG WITH APPROXIMATELY 2,000 OTHER NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS THIS YEAR) TO HELP SPREAD GOODWILL AND PROPER GRAMMAR TO THE INHABITANTS OF JAPAN. I AM AN EMPLOYEE OF MY LOCAL JAPANESE GOVERNMENT. I HAVE BEEN HIRED TO ASSIST ENGLISH TEACHERS VIA (1) SPEAKING IN MY BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK ACCENT, (2) SHARING MY COMPLETE MASTERY OF ALL THINGS GRAMMATICAL, AND (3) ALLOWING THEM TO GAZE UPON MY WILDLY EXOTIC CAUCASIAN FACIAL FEATURES. HAVING TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS, AND HELPING THEM IN THEIR EFFORTS TO BETTER THEMSELVES IS THE LAST THING I THOUGHT I’D EVER CARE TO DO FOR A LIVING – BUT IT’S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET INTO THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN… SO HERE I AM.

DURING THE (GRUELING) APPLICATION PROCESS WE WERE OFFERED A CHANCE TO REQUEST THREE LOCALES IN JAPAN WHERE WE’D MOST LIKE TO BE PLACED. ON PREVIOUS TRIPS HERE, I’VE TRULY ENJOYED EVERYWHERE I’VE BEEN, SO I SAID “ANYWHERE” IS FINE. WELL… THEY TOOK THAT AND RAN WITH IT, BECAUSE I HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN PLACED “ANYWHERE”. OR AS MY JAPANESE FRIENDS HAVE ASKED, "UM... WHERE?!?” (MORE ON THAT IN A MOMENT) THERE’S NO POINT IN BEMOANING MY NOT REQUESTING WHERE TO BE PLACED, THOUGH. OF THE HUNDRED OR SO J.E.T. APPLICANTS I’VE MET WHO ACTUALLY ASKED FOR A SPECIFIC LOCATION, PERHAPS ONLY TWO OF THEM WERE NOT SENT HUNDREDS OF KILOMETERS FROM THEIR DESIRED HOME (YES, I SAID KILOMETERS. JAPAN DOESN’T USE MILES, SO I GUESS I DON’T EITHER, ANYMORE).

A LITTLE INFO ABOUT JAPAN. JAPAN IS HOT. HOT AND HUMID. ENDURING JAPANESE SUMMER IS LIKE ENDURING THE MOVIE “SHOWGIRLS.” EVERYONE FEELS SWEATY, EMPTY AND DISGUSTED AFTERWARDS. MYSELF? I’M A WINTER ENTHUSIAST. I’LL HAPPILY WALK OUT INTO A SNOWSTORM IN SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT - BUT THEN RUN BACK INTO THE HOUSE REALIZING THAT I FOOLISHLY FORGOT MY SPF 70 SUNBLOCK FOR THE CRUEL WINTER SUN.

SO, I WAS OFFERED THE JOB, BUT HAD TO SIGN AWAY A YEAR OF MY LIFE WELL BEFORE I’D ACTUALLY BE TOLD WHERE MY PLACEMENT WAS. AS YOU CAN GUESS, I WAS HOPING TO GO SOMEPLACE SOMEWHAT NORTHERLY IN JAPAN TO MINIMIZE MY EXPOSURE TO THE INEVITABLE MISERY THAT IS PACIFIC OCEAN SUMMERTIME. NORTHERLY WOULD BE NICE.

I WAS INFORMED THAT I WOULD BE LIVING IN KAGOSHIMA.

WELL… KAGOSHIMA IS NOT NORTHERLY. IF YOU LOOK AT A MAP OF JAPAN, RUN YOUR FINGER ALONG ITS LENGTH AND CONTINUE AS FAR SOUTH AS YOU CAN GO. AT THE ASS END OF THE COUNTRY, YOU WILL FIND KAGOSHIMA. THE TEMPERATURE THERE MAKES THE SWELTERING POLLUTED AIR OF TOKYO SEEM UNBELIEVABLY COOL AND REFRESHING BY COMPARISON. TO SAY I WAS STRUCK WITH SEVERE SECOND THOUGHTS WOULD NOT BE AN UNTRUTH.

KAGOSHIMA IS AS FAR FROM EVERYTHING ELSE IN JAPAN AS YOU CAN GET. IT IS FAMOUS FOR MOUNT SAKURAJIMA, AN ACTIVE (VERY ACTIVE) VOLCANO THAT SITS NEXT TO THE CITY. ASH FALLS TO THE STREETS ON A WEEKLY BASIS. WHAT IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS HAD I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

AFTER ABOUT THREE WEEKS OF CONTEMPLATION, INTROSPECTION, AND DESPERATION, I FOUND MYSELF AT PEACE WITH WHAT WAS TO BE MY NEW HOME. IT WAS AT THIS TIME I WAS GIVEN THE EXACT ADDRESS I WOULD INHABIT. TOKUNOSHIMA. THE, UM… ISLAND OF TOKUNOSHIMA. THE TINY ISLAND OF TOKUNOSHIMA. NOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW FAR SOUTH I THOUGHT I WAS GOING, TRACE YOUR FINGER STRAIGHT DOWN ON THE MAP SEVERAL HUNDRED MORE KILOMETERS. IT IS SOOO FAR SOUTH, IT IS NOT INCLUDED ON MOST MAPS OF JAPAN.

(…CONCERN)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, TOKUNOSHIMA DOESN’T HAVE ANY OF KAGOSHIMA’S VOLCANOES TO WORRY ABOUT. HOWEVER, I WAS TRADING IN THAT CONCERN FOR A BATCH OF NEW ONES. FOR EXAMPLE…

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS A POPULATION THAT SPEAKS “HOUGEN”, A DISTINCT LANGUAGE WHICH IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO OTHER JAPANESE PEOPLE (AND THUS, EVEN MORE SO TO MYSELF).

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS VERY FEW FRESH FRUITS OR VEGETABLES FOR A VEGETARIAN (LIKE MYSELF) TO SURVIVE ON.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS FEW CONVENIENT WAYS TO REACH ITS SHORES, AND THEY ARE ALL PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS TYPHOONS, AS IT IS SITTING DEAD CENTER IN THE PATH OF PREDICTABLY CATASTROPHIC WEATHER PATTERNS.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS A POPULATION OF VIPERS CALLED HABU THAT OUTNUMBER THE POPULATION OF PEOPLE. IF YOU CAN’T REACH THE HOSPITAL WITHIN AN HOUR OF BEING BITTEN BY A HABU, THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE REACHES A CONCLUSION.

(…FEAR)

AND TOKUNOSHIMA HAS HEAT! SUCH HEAT! THIS ISLAND SHOULD REQUIRE SCHOLARS TO TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT THE DICTIONARY, FOR THE CURRENT DEFINITION OF “HUMID” FALLS FAR SHORT OF PROPERLY ENCAPSULATING THE INDESCRIBABLE CONDITIONS THAT AWAIT YOU HERE. EXPERIENCING TOKUNOSHIMA HUMIDITY IS KNOWN TO BE A PRACTICE IN OUTRAGEOUS PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT.

(…PANIC! SHEER AND UNADULTERATED PANIC!)

SO… WERE MY FEARS UNFOUNDED? KEEP READING AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. I’VE GOT 2 MONTHS UNDER MY BELT NOW, AND EVERY DAY HAS PRESENTED ME WITH A WIDE ASSORTMENT OF CHALLENGES, EMBARRASSMENTS, BEFUDDLEMENTS, MISERIES, TRIUMPHS, AND JOYS SUCH AS I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. SINCE YOU AND I ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, I’LL TAKE SOME TIME TO SHARE SOME OF THE MORE NOTEWORTHY MOMENTS WITH YOU. HOPE YOU ENJOY.

STILL ALIVE... MOSTLY

2007-08-26T19:41:00.000-04:00

BIG THINGS COMING SOON (AS SOON AS I GET AN INTERNET CONNECTION IN MY NEW HOME). STAY TUNED.

JAPAN DAY 8 (PT.2): NIHON DAIRA

2007-07-24T00:32:00.000-04:00

YEP, THAT'S MOUNT FUJI IN THE BACKGROUND. WE LUCKED OUT WITH A CLEAR VIEW FROM THE GROUNDS OF NIHON-DAIRA ("DAIRA, NOT "DIARRHEA"). I HIGHLY RECOMMEND SPENDING AN AFTERNOON THERE WITH A CAMERA (OR A PAINTBRUSH, IF YOU ROLL OLD-SCHOOL LIKE THAT).

TODAY I DISLIKE: TOO MUCH TIME BETWEEN POSTS
TODAY I LIKE: MOUNTAIN-TOP VIEWS

JAPAN DAY 8 (PT.1): OLD SCHOOL

2007-07-08T00:42:00.000-04:00

MARCUS AND HIS LADY YUKIKO PUT ASIDE THE DAY TO SHOW ME AROUND SHIZUOKA (OCCASIONALLY REFERRED TO AS "DA SHIZ" BY COOL PEOPLE, LIKE MYSELF). STARTED THE TOUR FROM THEIR SWANKY NEW APARTMENT. JAPAN'S VERSION OF A PENTHOUSE SUITE, I SUPPOSE. VERRRY NICE.

WE STOPPED BY A COOL LITTLE PARK DEDICATED TO PRESERVING SOME ANCIENT VILLAGES LOCAL TO THE AREA. THESE HOMES ON DISPLAY ARE FROM WAAAY BACK IN THE OLD DAYS (LIKE, THE 70'S, I THINK).

FOR ANY WHO DOUBT THE VAST TECHNOLOGICAL SUPERIORITY OF THE JAPANESE OVER THE REST OF THE WORLD, PLEASE NOTE THE ELECTRIC SMOKE ALARM THESE ANCIENT PEOPLE HAD ALREADY DEVELOPED TO HELP PROTECT THEIR STRAW HUTS (PHOTO BELOW).

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I'M TOLD THEIR OLD WOODEN OUTHOUSES CAME EQUIPPED WITH SEAT WARMERS AND GENTLE JET SPRAYS TO MAXIMIZE COMFORT AND CLEANLINESS. ASTOUNDING!

TODAY I LIKE: JAPANESE CROISSANTS FOR BREAKFAST
TODAY I DISLIKE: GETTING OVER JET LAG, AND THEN HAVING AN ALARM CLOCK WAKE ME AFTER A 4 HOUR SNOOZE

JAPAN DAY 7: MOVING ON

2007-06-22T16:36:00.000-04:00

TODAY I’M LEAVING TOKYO AND HEADING FOR SHIZUOKA, A QUAINT LITTLE CITY NESTLED SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE OCEAN AND MOUNT FUJI. SPENT THE EARLY HALF OF THE MORNING PACKING. IT TOOK SOME ENGINEERING, BUT I WAS ABLE TO ARRANGE EVERYTHING IN MY SMALL LITTLE BAGS “JUST SO” (AS I TOUCH A FEW FINGERTIPS TOGETHER IN A DAINTY FASHION, FOR EMPHASIS). REALIZED I DIDN’T HAVE MY PASSPORT. SPENT THE LATE HALF OF THE MORNING UNPACKING, SEARCHING, MUMBLING VARIOUS CUSS WORDS, AND REPACKING AGAIN.

SHINPEI CAME TO THE ROOM TO SAY GOOD MORNING, AND HE BROUGHT WITH HIM A MIGHTY BEARD UPON HIS PREVIOUSLY CLEAN-SHAVEN FACE. MY GOD, WHAT A VISION OF MANLINESS! EITHER HE WAS BITTEN BY A WOLF LAST NIGHT, OR HE’S BEEN SHOOTING 2 QUARTS OF TESTOSTERONE INTO HIS NECK BEFORE BEDTIME.

BUT AS HE GOT CLOSER, I REALIZED IT WAS NOT SHINPEI - BUT AN IMPOSTOR! OR, MORE ACCURATELY, SHINPEI’S BROTHER YOHEI. HE LIVES ON HIS OWN, BUT STOPPED BY THE FAMILY’S HOUSE TO SAY “HELLO”. SO, WE SAID “HELLO”, INTRODUCED OURSELVES, STRUGGLED THROUGH A MULTILINGUAL CONVERSATION ON MY VACATION PLANS, AND AGREED TO MEET WHEN I RETURN TO TOKYO NEXT WEEK. I DOUBT HE HAS ANY INTENTION TO ACTUALLY MEET UP AGAIN, BUT I LOVE THE JAPANESE FOR BEING SO POLITE ABOUT SUCH THINGS.

I GOT ON THE SHINKANSEN (BULLET TRAIN) TO SHIZUOKA, AND GOT TOGETHER WITH MY AMERICAN FRIENDS MARCUS, CHRIS, AND CHAZ (ABOVE). I ORIGINALLY MET THEM ON MY FIRST TRIP TO JAPAN 3 YEARS AGO. THEY USED TO RUN AN INTERNET RADIO SHOW ON LIFE IN JAPAN, AND HAD ME ON AS A GUEST . THE SHOW HAS SINCE EVOLVED INTO A PODCAST CALLED GUZEN MEDIA JAPAN.

SEEING AS I WAS DEVELOPING LIMITATIONS ON MY TOLERANCE FOR ALL THINGS NEW AND EXCITING, CHAZ AND I OPTED FOR AN AMERICAN STYLE DINER FOR SUPPER THAT NIGHT. I HAD PANCAKES. THEY WUZ GOOD.

WHILE WE DISCUSSED OUR THOUGHTS ON INTERNET CULTURE, AUDIO SOFTWARE, AND ALL THAT’S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY, MY ATTENTION WAS DRAWN TO A YOUNG WAITRESS AT THE OTHER END OF THE DINER. I WAS CAPTIVATED. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT IT, BUT SHE HAD THE MOST ODDLY STRIKING FEATURES AND DEMEANOR THAT I HAD YET TO COME ACROSS IN MY TRAVELS.

SHE LOOKED TO BE NO MORE THAN 80 lbs, AND THAT’S GIVING HER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. HER SKIN WAS THIS FLAWLESSLY WHITE SHADE OF PORCELAIN, AND HER EYES WERE DARKER THAN THE BURNT STEAKS SHE WAS SERVING. HER FACE WAS THE EXPRESSION OF EXPRESSIONLESSNESS, AS IF SHE WAS HAVING A PLEASANT DISCUSSION ABOUT EMPTINESS WITH BUDDHA UNDER A LOTUS TREE INSIDE HER MIND.

…I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WRAP UP WHAT I STARTED TALKING ABOUT HERE, SO I’LL JUST SIMPLY SAY… I SAW SOMEONE VERY INTERESTING.

TODAY I LIKE: TRAIN RIDES. WHEEE!
TODAY I DISLIKE: TRYING TO FIND WHERE TO GET MY RAIL PASS AUTHORIZED

JAPAN DAY 6 (PT.3): SPRING HANAMI = BOOZE TSUNAMI

2007-06-15T16:17:00.000-04:00

THIS MORNING WE RAN OUT OF SHINPEI’S HOUSE (WITHOUT BREAKFAST – FROWN!) TO MEET HIS PALS AND PREPARE FOR THE BIG HANAMI CELEBRATION TONIGHT. FOUR OF US DROVE TO THIS GINORMOUS 5-FLOOR BUILDING THAT TRULY PUTS THE “SUPER” IN “SUPERMARKET”. WHILE THE BOYS HUNTED AND GATHERED THE GOODS FOR TONIGHT’S FESTIVITIES, I WANDERED AROUND ADMIRING THE WIDE ASSORTMENT OF CRUSTACEAN FLAVORED SNACKS AND FROZEN FISH HEADS ON DISPLAY.

I TURNED A CORNER AND PASSED TWO CUTE YOUNG “OFFICE LADIES” (OR “O.L.’s” AS THEY ARE SOMETIMES CALLED) SHOPPING DURING THEIR LUNCH HOUR. PERIPHERALLY, I GOT THE FEELING I WAS BEING STARED AT. GLANCING THEIR WAY CAUSED A FIT OF WHISPERS & GIGGLES. THEY BLUSHED, SMILED, AND BOWED EVER SO SLIGHTLY.

NOW THAT’S A REACTION I DON’T OFTEN GET IN THE U.S. WHILE PERUSING THE AISLES FOR FRESH PRODUCE. COULD IT BE THEY WERE SMITTEN BY THE MAJESTIC VISION OF MY PIERCING BLUE EYES AND BULGING PECTORAL MUSCLES? …PROBABLY NOT. THEY MUST HAVE SIMPLY OVERHEARD THE UNDENIABLE SEXINESS OF MY SILKY SMOOTH NEW YORK ACCENT. YEAH, DEM CHICKS GO FRIGGIN NUTS WHEN DEY HEAR A GUY LIKE ME TAWKIN. FUGGEDABOWDIT!

WE SPENT SO MUCH YEN ON FOOD AND DRINKS, WE EARNED A FISTFUL OF IN-STORE LOTTERY TICKETS. WE PRESENTED OUR EARNINGS TO THE CLERKS AT A TABLE FULL OF ENCLOSED WOODEN WHEELS. EACH WHEEL CONTAINED DOZENS OF SPECIALLY MARKED MARBLES, AND WHEN YOU GIVE THE HANDLE A 360 DEGREE TURN, ONE OF THE MARBLES DROPS OUT AND DETERMINES WHAT YOU WIN. I WAS HOPING TO SCORE SOMETHING TO IMPRESS THOSE OFFICE LADIES WITH (LIKE A NEW CAR, OR A YEAR’S SUPPLY OF GREEN TEA), BUT FOR THE MOST PART WE JUST WON STORE COUPONS. WE WERE ALSO HANDED SOME FISH FROM A COOLER UNDER THE TABLE. HOORAY FOR THE VEGETARIAN, AND HIS HANDS FULL OF DEAD FISH TO TAKE HOME!

BACK AT SHINPEI’S ART STUDIO, THE FELLAS PUT THEMSELVES TO THE TASK OF PREPARING TONIGHT’S FEAST. I TWIDDLED MY THUMBS AND PUT MYSELF TO THE TASK OF FORMULATING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT QUESTIONS IN JAPANESE TO ASK THEM, FOR THE SAKE OF CONVERSATION.

WE DROVE OVER TO THEIR ANNUAL HANAMI SPOT IN A THIN STRETCH OF GREEN BETWEEN A CANAL AND A HIGHWAY. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SAKURA TREES HAD NOT QUITE FULLY BLOSSOMED YET… BUT LACK OF FLOWERS TO VIEW WASN’T GOING TO STOP ANYONE FROM HAVING THEIR FLOWER VIEWING PARTY! NOT WHEN THERE’S ALCOHOL WAITING TO BE CONSUMED, AT LEAST.

AFTER A WHILE, A GOOD CROWD OF FRIENDS HAD GATHERED FOR THE FESTIVITIES. I KNEW NONE OF THEM. MORE IMPORTANTLY, NONE OF THEM KNEW ME. I WOULD INTRODUCE MYSELF TO THE NEW ARRIVALS, BUT THOSE BREIF EXCHANGES DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH STEAM TO DEVELOP INTO ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS.

AN HOUR OR TWO PASSED OF ME POLITELY TRYING TO LISTEN IN ON THE CHIT CHAT, WHEN SUDDENLY SOME OF THE PARTY-GOERS WERE STRUCK WITH THE COURAGE TO ENGAGE THIS INTRUSIVE ROUND-EYED MANGLER OF THE JAPANESE LANGUAGE. I’M NO SCIENTIST, BUT I SUSPECT THIS WAS ABOUT THE SAME TIME THE BOOZE SLOSHING AROUND IN THEIR TUMMIES WAS STARTING TO COURSE ITS WAY THRU THEIR VEINS. JUST A GUESS.

FROM THAT POINT ON, IT WAS A BLAST. I’D BOUNCE AROUND FROM GROUP TO GROUP AND STRIKE UP CONVERSATIONS ON EVERYTHING FROM SUNSETS ON MOUNTAINTOPS, TO HOW LOVELY THE WORLD HAS BECOME SINCE GEORGE BUSH AND HIS CRONIES CAME ON THE SCENE. THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF LINGUISTIC HICCUPS ON EITHER SIDE, BUT THE GENERAL IDEAS WERE GETTING ACROSS. WELL.. EXCEPT WITH PERHAPS ONE PARTICULAR YOUNG GIRL, THAT IS…

THE INDIVIDUAL IN QUESTION ARRIVED LATE TO THE SHINDIG. FROM WHAT I'M TOLD, SHE’D LIKE TO BE FLUENT IN ENGLISH SOME DAY. SHINPEI INTRODUCED ME, SUSPECTING THAT MEETING A FOREIGNER WOULD BE OF SOME INTEREST TO HER. HE SUSPECTED CORRECTLY. SHE BOUNCED UP AND DOWN AT THE REVELATION THAT THERE WAS AN ACTUAL ENGLISH SPEAKER IN HER MIDST.

…LITERALLY …SHE WAS BOUNCING.

GIRL: Ano… NE! WHY… FOR… YOU HERE?
ME: I AM HERE FOR VACATION.
GIRL: ...NANI? (WHAT?)
ME: VACATION. BOKU NO YASUMI DESU. (THIS IS MY VACATION)
GIRL: Anouuu… EH? NANI? (Ummm… WHAT?)
ME: YASUMI! YA-SU-MI. (VACATION! VA-CA-TION)
GIRL: …?
EVERYONE ELSE: NAN DAROU! NIHONGO MO WAKARANAI?!? (WHAT THE HELL! NOW YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND JAPANESE EITHER?!?)

AND THEN EVERYONE LAUGHED, AND DRANK A TOAST TO THE SAKURA BLOSSOMS THAT WERE YET TO BE.

TODAY I LIKE: TALKING IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, AND BEING UNDERSTOOD… ALMOST
TODAY I DISLIKE: RUNNING TO THE STATION FOR THE LAST TRAIN

JAPAN DAY 6 (PT.2): JAPAN VS. IRELAND

2007-06-12T15:49:00.000-04:00

I’M VERY EXCITED. TODAY IS TO BE MY FIRST HANAMI. WHAT IS THIS HANAMI I SPEAK OF? WELL, JAPAN IS FAMOUS FOR THE BEAUTIFUL BUT SHORT LIVED WHITE AND PINKS BLOSSOMS OF THEIR SAKURA (CHERRY) TREES IN EARLY SPRING. THE THING TO DO IS TO GATHER A BUNCH OF FRIENDS AND SPEND THE DAY EATING AND DRINKING ON A BLUE TARP BENEATH THE FALLING FLOWER PETALS AS THEY DRIFT LIKE SNOWFLAKES IN THE GENTLE BREEZE. THAT’S HANAMI.

NOT UNLIKE SAINT PATRICK’S DAY, HANAMI-TIME IS TOUTED AS AN IMPORTANT CULTURAL EXPERIENCE PROMOTING REFLECTION ON THE VALUE OF FRIENDS, FAMILY, COUNTRY, AND THE BEAUTY OF LIFE.

AND AS WITH SAINT PATRICK’S DAY, THE REALITY IS THAT IT’S TREATED AS LITTLE MORE THAN AN EXCUSE TO SPEND THE DAY GETTING BLITHERINGLY TRASHED OUT IN PUBLIC.

HOWEVER, DESPITE THEIR SIMILARITIES, THERE ARE A FEW KEY DIFFERENCES THAT SET HANAMI SEASON APART FROM THE DAY OF PATRICK THE SAINT...

1) HANAMI SEASON CAN LAST A WEEK OR TWO, INSTEAD OF ONE DAY
WINNER: HANAMI

2) CROWDS CONGEST IN THE PARKS, NOT IN THE CITY STREETS
WINNER: DRAW?

3) GIRLS DON’T SAY, “KISS ME, I’M JAPANESE!”
WINNER: ST. PAT’S

4) NOBODY SINGS SONGS ABOUT BEING PILLAGED, RAPED, AND MURDERED BY THOSE BLOODY BRITISH BASTARDS!
WINNER: HANAMI

5) YOU HAVE A GOOD CHANCE OF MAKING IT THRU THE DAY WITHOUT ANYONE SMASHING A BEER BOTTLE OR A BAR STOOL ACROSS YOUR FACE
WINNER: HANAMI

6) DUDES DON’T PRANCE AROUND IN PLAID SKIRTS
WINNER: HANAMI

IT SEEMS THAT HANAMI CELEBRATIONS BEAT OUT EL DIA DE SANTO PATRICK... BUT I’M IRISH, AND THE IRISH PLAY DIRTY, SO I DECLARE SAINT PATTY-CAKES DAY AS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY’S HOLIDAY IN THE WORLD (YES, THAT INCLUDES BOXING DAY IN CANADA). IN THE WORDS OF OUR REVERED PATRON SAINT, “POG MO THOIN, MUTHA TRUCKERS!”

TODAY I LIKE: EATING TOO MUCH PICNIC FOOD
TODAY I DISLIKE: BARBEQUED NATTO

JAPAN DAY 6 (PT.1): URBAN TEMPLES

2007-06-06T15:53:00.001-04:00

TODAY I DISLIKE: NO TIME FOR LUNCH
TODAY I LIKE: YIN & YANG, CONTRASTING ELEMENTS, DICHOTOMY OF FORM... ALL THAT GOOD STUFF

JAPAN DAY 5 (Pt.2): 1ST SAKURA OF THE YEAR ...POSSIBLY

2007-06-05T15:36:00.000-04:00

SPENT MOST OF THE DAY BY MY LONESOME WANDERING THE STREETS OF UENO IN TOKYO. A FRIEND OF MINE (WHOSE IDENTITY I WILL KEEP ANONYMOUS) WAS KIND ENOUGH TO DRAW ME THE PRICELESS MAP BELOW. NOW, MY FRIEND'S ENGLISH IS EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT WITH A CAPITAL X. FAR BETTER THAN I CAN EVER HOPE MY JAPANESE TO BE. BUT ON THIS OCCASION HE HAPPENED TO MAKE A RARE ERROR THAT WILL MAKE ME CHUCKLE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE, OR LOSE MY MEMORY.

WELL, I BELIEVE IT WAS AN ERROR... OR PERHAPS A VERY CRUEL ATTEMPT TO HAVE ME WANDER AROUND TOWN ASKING PASSERS-BY, "EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND SOME REALLY BIG C*CK?" CLICK THE MAP, IF YOU DON'T ALREADY SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I ENDED UP IN UENO PARK, WHERE I FOUND ONE OF THE FIRST OF JAPAN'S SAKURA TREES TO BLOOM THIS SEASON IN TOKYO. I CAN'T SAY I WAS FLOORED, SINCE THE PETALS WERE ONLY HALF OUT, AND IT WAS ALREADY PRETTY DARK OUTSIDE - BUT JUDGING FROM ALL THE GIDDY PEDESTRIANS WAITING IN LINE TO POSE FOR CELL PHONE SNAPSHOTS IN FRONT OF IT, ONE MIGHT THINK THIS WAS THE GREATEST TREE IN THE WORLD. MAYBE IT WAS. I DUNNO.

TODAY I LIKE: HOMEMADE JAPANESE STYLE CURRY RICE
TODAY I DISLIKE: INSANE LATE NIGHT WINDSTORMS HAMMERING ON JAPANESE STYLE WINDOWS WHILE I TRY TO SLEEP

JAPAN DAY 5 (PT.1): CROSSWALK OF LIFE

2007-05-25T21:45:00.000-04:00

TODAY I DISLIKE: WAKING WELL BEFORE SUNRISE
TODAY I LIKE: WANDERING ALONE WITH MY CAMERA

JAPAN DAY 4 (PT.3): THE DAY THE POLITE JAPANESE STEREOTYPE DIED

2007-05-22T23:47:00.000-04:00

IT'S ELECTION SEASON HERE IN JAPAN. I'M WALKING AROUND KAMAKURA WITH MY 2 LADY COMPANIONS, WHEN I SPOT A WALL PLASTERED WITH THE FACES OF VARIOUS POLITICAL HOPEFULS. ALL HEADSHOTS, ALL LOOKING APPROPRIATELY DIGNIFIED AND STOIC... EXCEPT FOR THIS MADMAN BELOW. I WAS SO ENAMORED WITH HIS CRAZED LOOK OF BEING SIMULTANEOUSLY DRUNK WITH POWER, YET DESPERATELY FEARFUL... I JUST HAD TO TAKE A PHOTO. LOOKING AT THE PIC NOW, I'M NOT SURE IF THE DROPLETS RUNNING DOWN THE FACE OF MY MACHIAVELLIAN FRIEND WERE SIMPLY REMNANTS OF A RAIN SHOWER, OR IF HE WAS TRULY PERSPIRING RIGHT THROUGH THE SURFACE OF THE POSTER. MY GUESS? I SAY HE'S SWEATIN' BALLS!

I WAS PRETTY PLEASED WITH MYSELF (TURNED OUT TO BE 1 OF MY 3 FAVORITES PHOTOS FROM THE TRIP... OR AT IN LEAST THE TOP 5). MY WALKING PARTNERS, HOWEVER, WERE A BIT BEFUDDLED. THUS WAS I GIVEN THE SECOND OF THREE NAMES KEIKO WOULD BESTOW UPON ME THIS DAY...

NAME #2: "HEN NA GAIJIN" (WEIRD FOREIGNER)

WE ARRIVED AT KOTOKUIN TEMPLE, RESTING PLACE OF THE 13 METER HIGH BRONZED INCARNATION OF AMIDA BUDDHA. NOTE THE HINGED OPENINGS ON HIS BACK. MAIKO SAID THEY ARE WINDOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO CLIMB THE INSIDE OF THE STATUE - BUT I'M CONVINCED THAT'S WHERE HIS ROBOT WINGS SPROUT FROM WHEN HE IS CALLED UPON TO PROTECT JAPAN FROM GODZILLA, AND OTHER SUCH ORNERY RUBBER-SUITED BEASTS.

ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE TRAIN STATION, WE STOPPED AT A KOREAN TEA HOUSE FOR A SNACK. THE ONLY OTHER PATRONS WERE A TABLE FULL OF TEXANS. I ONLY MENTION THAT CUZ... WHO ELSE CAN SAY THEY FOUND A TABLE FULL OF TEXANS AT A KOREAN TEA HOUSE IN RURAL JAPAN? I ENTRUSTED MAIKO AND KEIKO WITH FOOD ORDERING DUTIES, AND ENDED UP WITH A BOWL FULL OF BEANS. SOYBEANS IN THE MIDDLE, SOME OTHER KINDA BEANS ON THE LEFT, AND SILKY TOFU (SOYBEAN CURD) ON THE RIGHT - ALL SOFTENED UP AND SWEETENED INTO A UNIQUE DESSERT DISH. IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY NICE.

ON THE RIDE HOME, KEIKO COULD HARDLY KEEP HER EYES OPEN. AH, AFTER A LONG DAY, THE TABLES HAD FINALLY TURNED IN MY FAVOR. I ROSE FROM BEING A HELPLESS TEASEE TO A RIGHTEOUS TEASER.

ME: KEIKO OBAACHAN, DAIJOUBU? NEMUI? (ARE YOU OK THERE, GRANDMA KEIKO? FEELING SLEEPY?)
KEIKO: <...SILENT GLARE...>

WE WOKE UP OL' SLEEPYHEAD AFTER ARRIVING AT TOKYO, AND MET MY OTHER FRIEND FOR DINNER AT AN OLD FASHIONED IZAKAYA RESTAURANT. I FORGET WHAT THE PLACE WAS CALLED, BUT APPARENTLY THE ROUGH TRANSLATION OF THE NAME INSPIRED KEIKO WITH SOMETHING NEW TO CALL ME. THUS WAS I GIVEN THE THIRD AND FINAL OF THREE NAMES KEIKO WOULD BESTOW UPON ME THIS DAY...

NAME #3: "UNCLE BEANS"

I'LL REFRAIN FROM DISCLOSING DETAILS, BUT THE DINNER CONVERSATION CENTERED AROUND A MUCHO GRANDE LIFE DECISION KEIKO WAS ABOUT TO DIVE INTO HEADFIRST. LIKE A SCRAPPY DOG SMELLING FEAR - MY PAL SENSED HER UNCERTAINTY, AND GLEEFULLY TORE INTO HER PLANS WITH HIS MERCILESSLY COLD LOGIC. SHE SPENT THE BETTER PART OF THE EVENING DEFENDING HER DREAMS AGAINST HIS ATTACKS - LEAVING HER TOO BUSY TO TEASE ME ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. NOT UNLIKE JAPANESE SUSHI, I FIND REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED RAW.

DESPITE WHAT I MIGHT BE LEADING YOU TO BELIEVE, I'M REALLY GLAD TO HAVE MET HER. SHE WAS A REAL CHARACTER. KEIKO, IF YOU'RE READING THIS (THOUGH I KNOW YOU'RE NOT), BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR DREAM. AND BE CAREFUL THE NEXT TIME YOU GO OUT TO EAT WITH 3 SUCH HOPELESS CYNICS.

TODAY I DISLIKE: WATER NOT BEING A DRINK CHOICE AT IZAKAYAS
TODAY I LIKE: KARMA

JAPAN DAY 4 (PT.2): BIG BUDDHA

2007-05-15T14:59:00.000-04:00

OUR LUNCH CONVERSATION WAS SOMEHOW DIRECTED TOWARDS WHETHER OR NOT HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE IN JAPAN ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST. KEIKO SEEMED TO THINK THAT I'D BE CONSIDERED QUITE ATTRACTIVE BY MEMBERS OF SUCH A COMMUNITY. HMMM... I THINK SHE MEANT THAT AS A COMPLIMENT... POSSIBLY... RIGHT???

TODAY I LIKE: COMPLIMENTS
TODAY I DISLIKE: DUBIOUSLY BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS

JAPAN DAY 4 (PT.1): BABYSITTING A FOREIGNER

2007-05-12T23:37:00.000-04:00

SEEING AS HOW I LOST ALMOST 10 POUNDS FROM THE RIGORS OF JAPANESE SIGHTSEEING THREE YEARS EARLIER - THIS TIME AROUND I FELT QUITE CONTENT TO SIMPLY HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS AND PUT THOSE POUNDS BACK ON. MY FRIENDS HERE ARE MUCH TOO KIND TO LET ME WALLOW IN COMFORT, THOUGH - SO TODAY WE WERE OFF TO HIKE THE MOUNTAINOUS, SHRINE-LITTERED TRAILS OF KAMAKURA. I'VE HEARD IT REFERRED TO AS "THE POOR MAN'S KYOTO" (MUCH LIKE HOW PORTLAND MAINE IS "THE POOR MAN'S SAN FRAN", OR BAGHDAD IS "THE POOR MAN'S DETROIT").

MY FRIEND MAIKO WAS TO BE MY GUIDE (CULTURAL NOTE: THE WORD "MAIKO" MEANS "DANCING GIRL" IN JAPANESE, AND MY FRIEND MAIKO IS ACTUALLY A TRAINED DANCER. ISN'T THAT SWELL?). SHE BROUGHT ALONG HER FRIEND KEIKO. LIKE MAIKO, KEIKO IS ALSO FLUENT AT ENGLISH... OR AT LEAST I THINK SHE IS. SHE MUCH PREFERRED SPEAKING TO ME IN JAPANESE - THE REALLY QUICK PACED, COLLOQUIAL, SLANG INFUSED STYLE OF JAPANESE THAT FOREIGNERS LIKE MYSELF SHOULD OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING (HAHAHA, DID YOU PICK UP ON THE SARCASM THERE, KIDS? MUCH TO HER APPARENT DELIGHT, I UNDERSTOOD NOT A WORD THAT SHE SPOKE TO ME IN THAT DEVIL TONGUE OF THEIRS).

CONSIDERING HOW POPULAR KAMAKURA IS WITH VISITORS (PARTICULARLY ON SPRING WEEKENDS SUCH AS THIS), WE WERE FORTUNATE TO HAVE PRACTICALLY ALL THE GARDENS, SHRINES, WOODED TRAILS, AND TACKY SOUVENIR SHOPS TO OURSELVES. NICE.

I WAS TAKING MY SWEET TIME LOOKING FOR PHOTO OP's ON OUR WALK, FALLING BEHIND THE LADIES FROM TIME TO TIME - AND I CAUGHT AN EARFUL ABOUT MY LEISURELY PACE AS A RESULT. THUS WAS I GIVEN THE FIRST OF THREE NAMES KEIKO WOULD BESTOW UPON ME THIS DAY...

NAME #1: "JIMU OJICHAN" (GRANDPA JIM)

THE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY GLEEFUL TORMENTOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON WERE AS FOLLOWS...

KEIKO: JIMU OJICHAN, DAIJOUBU? (ARE YOU OK, GRANDPA JIM?)
ME: HAI, DAIJOUBU DESU. OKAGESAMA DE (YES, I'M FINE. THANKS FOR ASKING)

<5 MINUTES PASS>

KEIKO: OJICHAN, DAIJOUBU? (YOU OK, GRANDPA?)
ME: DAIJOUBU YO. (I'M FINE)

<5 MINUTES PASS>

KEIKO: DAIJOUBU...? (YOU OK?)
ME: URUSAI YO! (...SHADDUP!)

TODAY I LIKE: KAMAKURA
TODAY I DISLIKE: (TAKE A GUESS)

JAPAN DAY 3: NO TENTACLES, PLEASE

2007-05-09T18:40:00.000-04:00

TODAY THE DIFFERENCE IN TIME ZONES HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP, AND IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS (AND NOT THOSE NICE SOFT KIND OF BRICKS, EITHER). DESPITE THE FACT THAT "OL' MAN JET LAG" ARRIVED LATE TO THE PARTY, HE DIDN'T JUST POLITELY KNOCK ON THE DOOR - HE KICKED THE ENTIRE WALL DOWN. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRAVEL 13 HOURS INTO THE FUTURE.

TODAY WE FARTED AROUND TOWN, CHECKED OUT A FEW SHOPS, AND TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE OF THE EXOTIC CULTURAL CUISINE TO BE ENJOYED AT A STANDARD ITALIAN CHAIN RESTAURANT. YOU HAVEN'T HAD A HOUSE SALAD AND A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI UNTIL YOU'VE HAD IT IN JAPAN... POSSIBLY.

ALSO FOUND MYSELF A NICE PAIR OF SNEAKERS. HAD TO BUY THEM, SINCE NON-LEATHER SHOES ARE SO TOUGH FOR ME TO FIND. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE A BIT TOO THIN FOR MY FAT IRISH FEET. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GUYS WITH FAT FEET, RIGHT? ...I THINK THEY SAY NOT TO BUY SHOES IN JAPAN.

WHEREVER WE WENT, I'VE BEEN WHIPPING OUT MY 2,000 YEN BILLS (ROUGHLY $20) TO PAY FOR STUFF. IT WASN'T UNTIL I ALREADY SPENT HALF OF THEM THAT I CAME TO UNDERSTAND HOW RARE THESE PARTICULAR BILLS ARE. APPARENTLY IT'S RIGHT ON PAR WITH TRAVELLING TO THE STATES AND DISPENSING A WALLET FULL OF $2 BILLS. OR PERHAPS GOING TO CANADA AND TRADING A BEAVER PELT FOR A PIZZA (WHICH I HEAR IS STILL NOT UNHEARD OF IN FRENCH-CANADIAN REGIONS). HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT WADS OF CASH COULD BE WORTH ANYTHING? LUCKILY, I'VE STILL GOT A FEW LEFT IN MY POCKET TO FLASH AROUND TOWN. ONE MORE THING TO ADD TO MY ARSENAL OF THINGS-I-CAN-IMPRESS-JAPANESE-CHICKS-WITH-BUT-NOT-ENOUGH-SO-THAT-IT-MAKES-ANY-KIND-OF-REAL-DIFFERENCE.

SAW A BUNCH OF HIP YOUNG FELLAS IN A PARK PRACTICING HIGHLY SYNCHRONIZED J-POP DANCE MOVES TOGETHER - COMPLETE WITH LEG KICKS, HIP SHAKES, AND DRAMATIC HEAD WHIPS (THINK BRITNEY SPEARS, BUT A TOUCH MORE FEMININE). NOTE TO SELF: IF THIS PUBLIC ENDEAVOR EVER BECOMES AN ASPECT OF JAPANESE CULTURE I'D LIKE TO PURSUE... PURSUE IT IN FRONT OF SPEEDING TRAFFIC. THAT WAY IT WORKS OUT BEST FOR ALL INVOLVED.

SHINPEI'S FRIEND WAS SHOWING SOME OF HER PHOTOGRAPHY AT A GALLERY, SO WE WENT TO CHECK IT OUT. I STILL HAD ALL MY CAMERA GEAR AND TRIPOD WITH ME AT THE TIME, WHICH PIQUED THE INTEREST OF APPROXIMATELY NONE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHY ENTHUSIASTS IN ATTENDANCE. CURIOUS. SOMEDAY I PLAN TO ATTEND A FINE ART GALLERY WITH PAINT BRUSH AND EASEL IN HAND TO SEE IF THAT HAS BETTER SUCCESS AS A CONVERSATIONAL ICE BREAKER.

AFTERWARDS, A GROUP FROM THE GALLERY WENT OUT FOR CHINESE. NOT "REAL" CHINESE, BUT JAPANESE-CHINESE (MUCH THE WAY THAT THE FOOD IN THE STATES IS GENERALLY NOT REAL CHINESE, BUT AMERICAN-CHINESE. NONE OF MY FRIENDS FROM CHINA KNOW WHAT (OR WHO) GENERAL TSO IS). I ATE SOME PICKLED THINGIES, AND SOME FRIED THINGIES, AND WHATEVER ELSE DIDN'T HAVE EYES OR TENTACLES IN THE MIX. DIDN'T HEAR A WORD OF ENGLISH THE ENTIRE NIGHT, AND MY JET LAGGED HEAD WAS NOT QUITE UP TO THE TASK OF DECIPHERING MUCH OF WHAT WAS BEING SAID. FOR ALL I KNOW, THE CONVERSATION WAS NOTHING BUT CRUEL JOKES ABOUT THE WEIRD FOREIGNER WHO WOULDN'T EAT ANYTHING WITH EYES OR TENTACLES. (SIGH) I HOPE MY BRAIN TURNS BACK ON BY TOMORROW.

COMING SOON! PICTURES!!!

TODAY I LIKE: SEEING CROWS UP CLOSE ON CITY STREETS
TODAY I DISLIKE: WHATEVER REASON WHY "CHILDREN OF MEN" WAS RENAMED "TOMORROW-LAND" IN JAPAN

JAPAN DAY 2: A POX ON SANDISK!

2007-05-07T18:14:00.002-04:00

MUCH TO MY SURPRISE AND JOY, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE FALLING (AND STAYING) ASLEEP. THE BEDROOM I WAS PROVIDED WAS REALLY COMFORTABLE - AND BENEFITED FROM NOT BEING DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM A GIANT "EPSON" SIGN ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A SCHOOL SPEWING BLINDING WHITE FLASHES OF ILLUMINATION IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. UNFORTUNATELY, I WAS NOT AS FORTUNATE THE FIRST TIME I CAME TO JAPAN (SEE PIC BELOW), AND SLEPT VERY LITTLE AS A RESULT.

THE BEDROOM I WAS STAYING IN THIS WEEK HAD THESE THICK IRON SHUTTERS OUTSIDE THAT SLOWLY (AND NOISILY) OPENED AND RAISED AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON. SO COOL. I IMAGINED THEM TO BE FROM SOME SCI-FI MOVIE IN WHICH A WEARY SPACE TRAVELLER WAKES FROM HYPER SLEEP, SIPS FROM A CUP OF SPACE COFFEE, AND SCRATCHES HIMSELF (OR HERSELF) AS THE ROBOTIC WINDOW SHADES OPEN TO REVEAL A BEAUTIFUL FOREIGN WORLD OUTSIDE.

(THE ANALOGY WORKS, CUZ NOT ONLY IS JAPAN LIKE A FOREIGN WORLD, BUT I ALSO HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO ENJOY A NICE MORNING SCRATCH. SEE?)

HAVING ALREADY LIVED IN THIS HOUSE FOR DECADES, THE FAMILY I WAS STAYING WITH DID NOT SHARE MY EXCITEMENT FOR THEIR HOME'S WINDOW APPLIANCES. LOOKING BACK, I SUPPOSE I MIGHT BE EQUALLY INDIFFERENT IF A FOREIGN GUEST HERALDED MY TOASTER OVEN AS SOME KIND OF FANTASTIC CONTRAPTION THAT CLEARLY MUST HAVE COME FROM NASA.

AFTER LUNCH, SHINPEI AND I DROVE NORTH TO THE SEASIDE OF CHIBA. THE LONG BEACHES HERE LOOKED A BIT LIKE THOSE OF NEW JERSEY, ALBEIT WITH LESS MEDICAL WASTE WASHING UP ON SHORE. ALSO, NONE OF THE LOCALS WORE T-SHIRTS THAT WARNED "DON'T F**K WITH ME, I'M LOCAL!" (YES, SOME JERSEY LOCALS REALLY WEAR THOSE). NOBODY WAS SWIMMING, GIVEN THAT THE EARLY SPRING TEMPERATURES WOULD PROBABLY KILL ANY BATHERS WITHIN 10 MINUTES OR SO. BESIDES, I FORGOT MY SWIMMING TRUNKS AT HOME TODAY - ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET. BUT IT WAS STILL NICE TO SIT FOR A WHILE AND CHILL (QUITE LITERALLY).

AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO LEAVE, 4 TEENS MADE THEIR WAY DOWN NEAR THE WATER. THEY FORMED A LINE AND JUMPED SKYWARDS IN UNISON, AGAIN AND AGAIN, STRIKING RIDICULOUS POSES WHILE ONE OF THEM TOOK PHOTOS OF THE EVENT. TAKING FULL ADVANTAGE OF MY LONG CAMERA LENS AND A PERFECT VANTAGE POINT, I SEIZED UPON WHAT I KNEW WOULD BE THE DEFINING PHOTOGRAPHIC OPPORTUNITY OF MY ENTIRE TRIP. THE DUNES AND REEDS IN THE FOREGROUND; LAYER UPON LAYER OF CRASHING WAVES IN THE BACKGROUND; AND SEVERAL COLORFUL YOUNG JAPANESE GOOFBALLS FLASHING AIRBORNE PEACE SIGNS IN THE CENTER OF IT ALL. I WAS SO EXCITED TO GET HOME AND SEE HOW THE PHOTOS CAME OUT.

...WELL, BY NOW YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I HAVEN'T POSTED A SINGLE VACATION PHOTO YET (THE EPSON SIGN ABOVE DOESN'T COUNT - THAT'S FROM 2003). THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE MY MEMORY CARD DECIDED TO DECLARE ITSELF CORRUPT 3 DAYS INTO MY TRIP, AND IT DRAGGED ALL OF MY BELOVED PHOTOS KICKING & SCREAMING TO THE DIGITAL GRAVE ALONG WITH IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DEEPLY THAT BREAKS MY HEART. SERIOUSLY. IF ONLY I WAS CAPABLE OF HUMAN EMOTIONS, I WOULD HAVE CRIED. WHEN I FIND WHO'S IN CHARGE OF KARMA AND COSMIC JUSTICE AND ALL THAT NONSENSE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE WORDS... WORDS, AND A GOOD OLD FASHIONED KNIFE FIGHT. TEXAS STYLE!

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ME BLABBING A LITTLE MORE BEFORE ANY PICS GO UP. I'LL TALK LESS ONCE I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW. APOLOGIES.

TODAY I LIKE: RARE MOMENTS THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN
TODAY I DISLIKE: CORRUPTED MEDIA OF RARE MOMENTS THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN

JAPAN DAY 1 (Pt.2): I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFG STEAKS ON THIS MOTHERFG PLANE!

2007-05-04T16:59:00.000-04:00

MY PLANE TOUCHED DOWN 14 HOURS LATER, AND ALL THAT STOOD BETWEEN ME AND COZY BED WAS A SERIES OF IMMIGRATION/SECURITY CHECKPOINTS; A 1 HOUR TRAIN RIDE FROM NARITA; A NUMBER OF SUBWAY RIDES THROUGH THE WINDING BOWELS OF TOKYO; AND A CAR RIDE FROM ONE END OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST CITY OVER TO THE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE END... SO I WAS STILL JUST ROUGHLY 2/3rds OF THE WAY TO MY DESTINATION.

MY TURBAN WEARING FRIEND (WHOM I MENTIONED IN THE PREVIOUS POST) ENDED UP IN FRONT OF ME AT THE LAST OF MANY CHECKPOINTS BEFORING EXITING THE AIRPORT. HE WAS POLITELY ASKED FOR HIS PASSPORT. HE WAS THEN POLITELY ASKED FOR FURTHER IDENTIFICATION. HE WAS THEN POLITELY ASKED TO SUBMIT HIS BAG FOR INSPECTION. LASTLY HE WAS FRISKED (POLITELY, OF COURSE). THEN IT WAS MY TURN. A QUICK FLASH OF MY PASSPORT AND A QUICK FLASH OF MY SMILE WAS ALL I NEEDED TO BE ALLOWED THROUGH.

MY FRIEND (AND HOST) SHINPEI MET ME AT UENO, AND ESCORTED ME TO THE LOVELY HOME OF HIS FAMILY. THEY HAD A WONDERFUL MEAL ALREADY PREPARED FOR OUR ARRIVAL. NICE.

I SHOULD MENTION HERE THAT I'M A VEGETARIAN, AND HAVE BEEN FOR MORE THAN HALF MY LIFE. YES, I ACTUALLY CHOOSE TO COMPLETELY ABSTAIN FROM EATING ANIMALS, AND AM VERY STRICT ABOUT DAIRY PRODUCTS. IF I HAD ONE YEN FOR EVERY TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED, "NOT EVEN FISH?!?", I'D HAVE, LIKE... SOOO MUCH YEN! MY FRIEND ONCE TOLD ME OF A JAPANESE MAN THAT ENCOUNTERED ANOTHER SUCH AMERICAN WHOM ABSTAINED FROM EATING ANIMAL CARCASSES. THE MAN KINDLY LET THE VEGETARIAN IN ON THE FACT THAT, "A FISH IS REALLY JUST A VEGETABLE THAT SWIMS." TRUE STORY.

I FIND EXPLAINING VEGETARIANISM TO JAPANESE PEOPLE TO BE NOT UNLIKE EXPLAINING QUANTUM PHYSICS TO A HERD OF GOATS. THEY SIMPLY DON'T GET IT. FORTUNATELY, JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE FAR MORE RESPECTFUL OF SUCH CRAZY IDEAS THAN GOATS TEND TO BE. THEY ALSO SMELL BETTER THAN GOATS. IN FACT, JAPANESE PEOPLE MAKE FOR BETTER COMPANY THAN GOATS IN ALMOST EVERY WAY, BUT THAT'S GETTING AWAY FROM MY POINT. MY POINT IS, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M REGARDED AS MILDLY INSANE, ALL JAPANESE PEOPLE I'VE HAD THE FORTUNE TO BECOME FRIENDLY WITH HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OUTRAGEOUSLY ACCOMMODATING TO MY PARTICULAR DINING LIFESTYLE. THIS WAS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE HOME-COOKED MEAT-FREE FEAST OF SOUP, TOFU, TEMPURA, SALAD, AND VARIOUS EXOTIC VEGETABLE SPREADS THAT I FILLED MYSELF ON THIS NIGHT. AFTER A 24 HOUR PERIOD OF HAVING EATEN NOTHING BUT AIRLINE FOOD, THIS WAS THE WARMEST WELCOME I COULD POSSIBLY ASK FOR.

IN MY EFFORTS TO MAKE LIFE EVEN LESS ENJOYABLE THAN A STEAK-DEFICIENT DIET WOULD SEEM, I ALSO TEND TO ABSTAIN FROM CONSUMING ALCOHOL. IT'S NOT A "RULE", REALLY - JUST A LACK OF INTEREST. HOWEVER, AS PART OF THE WELCOMING MEAL, A FINE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE WAS UNCORKED TO TOAST THEIR AMERICAN GUEST. THEY ALREADY KNEW I WASN'T MUCH OF A DRINKER, BUT I WAS NOT ABOUT TO REFUSE SUCH A GESTURE. WORDS OF WELCOME WERE SPOKEN, GLASSES WERE RAISED, DRINKS WERE DOWNED, AND THROATS (MINE, SPECIFICALLY) SPASMED INTO AN EMBARRASSING FIT OF FIERCE COUGHING AND WHEEZING. GOOD LUCK TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT THE FIZZY DRINK HAD SIMPLY GONE DOWN THE WRONG PIPE, AND THAT YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, A SAD LITTLE NANCY-BOY WHO CAN'T HANDLE A SIP OF CHAMPAGNE - EXPLAINING IN BROKEN JAPANESE, NO LESS. IN SUCH A CASE, I DOUBT I'D BE ABLE TO CONVINCE ANYONE OF THAT, EVEN USING ENGLISH.

OH WELL. SO MUCH FOR FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

TODAY I LIKE: HOME-COOKED MEAT-FREE FEASTS OF SOUP, TOFU, TEMPURA, SALAD, AND VARIOUS EXOTIC VEGETABLE SPREADS
TODAY I DISLIKE: HOW I SMELL AFTER 24 HOURS OF TRAVELLING

JAPAN DAY 1 (Pt.1): ONLY 19 HOURS OF TRAVELLING TO GO

2007-05-03T15:30:00.000-04:00

IS THERE A BETTER WAY TO START A TRIP TO THE FAR EAST THAN WITH YOUR PANTS OFF? I HOPE NOT, CUZ THAT'S HOW I STARTED MINE. NOT INTENTIONALLY, THOUGH. SEEMS I CHOSE THE WRONG PANTS TO WEAR TO THE AIRPORT. AFTER SUBMITTING MY SHOES AND BELT FOR APPROVAL AT THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT, MY HANDS WERE QUITE BUSY JUGGLING MY JACKET, TICKET, PASSPORT, ETC. MY UNBELTED JEANS RECOGNIZED A RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR ESCAPE, AND THEY SEIZED UPON IT. I JUST BARELY KEPT THEM FROM FLOPPING TO THE FLOOR AS I AWKWARDLY MADE MY WAY THROUGH THE LONG "GAUNTLET OF OBSERVATION AND SCRUTINY".

I EVENTUALLY SAT MYSELF AT THE GATE, AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO HOURS CHASING AN ELUSIVE NAP. I NOTED ONE INDIVIDUAL I'D BE FLYING WITH HAD A SIGNIFICANT BEARD... AND AN EVEN MORE SIGNIFICANT TURBAN. I IMMEDIATELY SQUASHED THE VISION IN MY HEAD OF RELIABLE OL' WILL SMITH TURNING TO THE CAMERA, PAUSING FOR EFFECT, AND DECLARING, "Awww, HELL NAW!" SUCH THOUGHTS WERE WON OVER BY THE BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL IN ME RATIONALIZING THAT THIS FELLA DESERVES THE SAME RIGHTS AND MODICUM OF RESPECT THAT SHOULD BE AFFORDED ANYONE ELSE (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW BLEEDING HEART LIBERALS ALWAYS GET THEIR WAY).

IT STRUCK ME HOW BAD IT MUST SUCK GETTING ON A PLANE AND HAVING EVERYONE LOOK AT YOU FROM THE SIDES OF THEIR EYES, ASSUMING YOU WANT TO KILL THEM ALL (IT'S THE SAME CAUTIOUS LOOK I GET FROM EVERYONE WHEN THEY SEE MY REACTION TO A RESTAURANT FULL OF SCREAMING CHILDREN).

THE FLIGHT CREW (ALL JAPANESE) GATHERED FOR SOME KIND OF 10 MINUTE PEP-RALLY BY THE CHECK-IN COUNTER (INVOLVING LOTS OF BOWING AND NODS OF ENCOURAGEMENT). I'D LIKE TO THINK IT WAS SOME KIND OF SHINTO RITUAL PRAYING TO THE GODS OF THE WINDS FOR A SAFE FLIGHT - BUT I THINK PERHAPS THEY WERE JUST ORGANIZING WHO HAD WHICH SECTIONS. OH WELL. THE SIGHT GAVE ME A VISION OF WHAT THE SO-CALLED "GOLDEN AGE" OF FLYING IS RUMORED TO HAVE BEEN LIKE. BY THAT I MEAN ALL 12 STEWARDESSES WERE ALL CERTIFIED HOT MAMA-JAMAS. EVEN THE GRIZZLED OLD VETERANS OF THE BUNCH WERE QUITE PRESENTABLE. AND NOT A SINGLE DUDE AMONG THEM. THE LECH IN ME SMILED TO SEE THAT CERTAIN DESPICABLE HIRING PRACTICES WERE STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD.

SO... I'M ONLY 4 PARAGRAPHS INTO DESCRIBING MY TRIP, AND WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THE POSSIBILITY THAT I AM BOTH A RACIST AND A SEXIST PIG (AND THERE'S STILL ANOTHER TWO AND A HALF WEEKS LEFT TO WRITE ABOUT).

I WAS ONE THE FEW AMERICANS ON BOARD, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A SURPRISE BLESSING. EVERYONE ON THE FLIGHT WAS THIN, AND DIDN'T SPILL INTO MY SEAT WITH ANY OVERABUNDANT FLESH. SCORE! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I HAD ONE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME. DOUBLE SCORE!!! Ahhh... IF THE PLANE GOES DOWN, AT LEAST I'LL DIE COMFORTABLY.

SPEAKING OF DYING IN A PLANE CRASH: THE LAST TIME I FLEW TO JAPAN, I WAS SUBJECTED TO THE "FILM" (USING THE TERM LOOSELY) KNOWN AS "THE CORE". THE STORY INVOLVES A PLOT-CRUCIAL SCENE OF A SPACE SHUTTLE BURNING THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE, AND MAKING A DESPERATE BUT SUCCESSFUL CRASH LANDING TO EARTH. MY AIRLINE REMOVED THE SCENE COMPLETELY, CENSORING IT FOR THE SAKE OF ANY SENSITIVE PASSENGERS WHOM SUCH IMAGERY MIGHT CONCERN. EVEN IF THE MOVIE DIDN'T BLOW, I MIGHT STILL FORGIVE SUCH CENSORSHIP. EVERYONE KNOWS THEY DON'T SHOW PLANE CRASHES TO PEOPLE ON PLANES, RIGHT? (I SHOULD MENTION, THOUGH, THAT WE WERE ALSO SHOWN "ABOUT SCHMIDT". THE AIRLINE CENSORS CURIOUSLY CHOSE TO LEAVE KATHY BATES' INFAMOUS NUDE SCENE UNTOUCHED AND INTACT FOR ALL THE FAMILIES ON BOARD TO ENJOY - AS IF THE AIRLINE FOOD WAS NOT ALREADY ENOUGH TO SPOIL MY APPETITE).

I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE ON TODAY'S FLIGHT THEY SHOWED A RECORDING OF A JAPANESE NEWS BROADCAST COVERING A RATHER INTERESTING TOPIC... THE HARROWING CRASH LANDING OF AN ENORMOUS PASSENGER PLANE WITH MALFUNCTIONING FRONT WHEELS! WE WERE TREATED TO NO LESS THAN SIX MINUTES OF MULTI-ANGLE FOOTAGE OF THE FRONT END OF THE AIRCRAFT SKIDDING ACROSS TO THE END OF THE RUNWAY IN A BALL OF SPARKLING FLAMES, FOLLOWED BY INTERVIEWS WITH VISIBLY SHAKEN SURVIVORS. UNBELIEVABLE!

NEVERTHELESS, I STILL FOUND THE UNLEASHED UPPER HALF OF KATHY BATES TO BE A MORE TRAUMATIZING SIGHT TO WITNESS.

TODAY I LIKE: WINDOW SEATS
TODAY I DISLIKE: 14 HOURS OF RECIRCULATED AIRPLANE AIR (FARTS AND ALL)

A NOT-UNTRUE STORY #2: THE PERILS OF XMAS MORNING

2007-05-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

THIS NON-JAPAN-RELATED POST IS IN NO WAY AN ATTEMPT TO BUY MORE TIME TO GET MY JAPAN PHOTOS ORGANIZED. WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT IS A LIAR. THEY WOULD HAVE YOU THINK THAT I'M UNORGANIZED AND LAX IN MY BLOGGING RESPONSIBILITIES - AND IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BELIEVE SUCH THINGS, MY FRIEND... THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON.

ANYWAY, WHAT FOLLOWS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES IN THE HISTORY OF PEOPLE BEING QUOTED. IT'S FROM MY OLD WILDLIFE BIOLOGY COURSE AT COLLEGE. I CREDIT MYSELF WITH BEING THE ONLY ONE TO TRULY APPRECIATE THE DEPTHS OF THE QUOTE'S MEANING (AS I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN CLASS TO LAUGH OUT LOUD).

AS MY PROFESSOR STRUGGLED TO FIND A POIGNANT ANALOGY TO IMPART A PROPER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW UNPREDICTABLE FIELD STUDIES CAN BE, I BELIEVE HE MAY HAVE CHANNELED THE SPIRIT OF DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., OR PERHAPS GEORGE W. BUSH, TO DELIVER THIS MEMORABLE PEARL OF WISDOM...

"SAMPLING FOR FISH POPULATIONS IN A RIVER IS A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING... (long pause)...
...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO COME UP AGAINST!"

TODAY I DISLIKE: DEALING WITH CRAZY COMMUTERS AND CRAZY FRIENDS
TODAY I LIKE: PEOPLE WHO LEAVE COMMENTS ON THIS PAGE

SPRING FEVER

2007-04-27T15:54:00.000-04:00

I'VE FINALLY RETURNED FROM JAPAN, AND RETURNED TO THIS FINE PUBLIC SERVICE KNOWN AS BLOGGING. OF THE 21,049 PHOTOS I TOOK ON MY TRIP, I ONLY PLAN TO POST ABOUT 17,831... BUT IT'S STILL GOING TO TAKE ME SOME TIME TO GET THOSE ALL ORGANIZED. IN THE MEANTIME, HERE'S A POST FROM MY WEEKEND AT CENTRAL PARK.

LAST WEEK WAS THE FIRST REALLY SPRINGISH WEEKEND OF THE YEAR, SO THE PARK WAS ABSOLUTELY PAAAAACKED WITH PEOPLE! ...YEP, YOU READ CORRECTLY - I JUST WROTE "PACKED" WITH FIVE "A"s. THAT'S HOW PACKED IT WAS, YO!

HERE'S A SWEET YOUNG COUPLE SUCCUMBING TO THE ONSET OF SPRING FEVER. IF YOU CLICK ON THE PIC, PLEASE IGNORE THE DARKENED NETHER REGION TOWARDS WHICH THE GENTLEMAN'S RIGHT HAND IS EXPLORING. ESPECIALLY TRY TO IGNORE WHERE THE YOUNG LADY'S LEFT HAND IS ALREADY EXPLORING. I'D LIKE TO KEEP THIS SITE FAMILY-FRIENDLY, THANK YOU.

THESE NEWLYWEDS COULDN'T HAVE PICKED A BETTER DAY TO CELEBRATE THEIR UNION OF LOVE. HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF SEALING IT WITH A KISS, THEY HONORED THE ANCIENT KOREAN TRADITION OF REARING THEIR HEADS BACK, AND THEN DELIVERING A BRUTALLY CRUNCHING HEADBUTT TO EACH OTHER'S SKULLS (MUCH TO THE DELIGHT OF CHEERING ONLOOKERS). I SUPPOSE IT'S A BIT LIKE THE WESTERN TRADITION OF A BRIDE THROWING HER BOUQUET TO HER DESPERATE SINGLE FRIENDS, WHICH ALSO RESULTS IN GREAT VIOLENCE AND INJURY.

TODAY I LIKE: BREEZY WEATHER
TODAY I DISLIKE: RETURNING TO THE SIGHTS, SOUNDS, AND SMELLS OF JFK AIRPORT

SPRING... KIND OF

2007-03-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

THURSDAY WAS A NICE EARLY START TO SPRING WITH TEMPERATURES WELL INTO THE 60'S. FRIDAY WAS THE NASTIEST MIX OF SNOW, SLEET, HAIL, AND RAIN THAT WE'VE HAD ALL YEAR. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SAINT PATRICK'S PARADE IN THE CITY - BUT INSTEAD OF SPENDING THE DAY SHOVELING POTATOES INTO MY FACE, I SPENT IT SHOVELING BIG BLOCKS OF ICEY SNOW OFF MY SIDEWALK, AND ONTO MY NEIGHBOR'S. INSTEAD OF SINGING ABOUT THE EVILS OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE, I WAS LEFT SINGING SOME GOOD OLD SOUTHERN SPIRITUALS TO HELP GET ME THROUGH IT ALL.

SO THIS WEDNESDAY I'M OFF TO JAPAN FOR CHERRY BLOSSOM SEASON (IN THE HOPES THAT THEIR MOTHER NATURE IS SLIGHTLY LESS RETARDED THAN THE CRAZY OL' BROAD WE'RE STUCK WITH HERE). AS SUCH, I DON'T IMAGINE THERE'LL BE ANY NEW POSTS UNTIL I GET BACK TO DA STATES. IN THE MEANTIME, HERE'S SOME CRAP TO REMIND YOU WHAT SPRING MIGHT BE LIKE... SOMEDAY...

TODAY I LIKE: GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THIS COUNTRY
TODAY I DISLIKE: CARRY-ON LUGGAGE RESTRICTIONS

AN UNINSPIRED POST

2007-03-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

I DON'T HAVE ANY MAGNIFICENT PHOTOS OR WITTY REMARKS TO SHARE TODAY, SO I PRESENT TO YOU... two buildings.

ENJOY.

TODAY I LIKE: QUIET SNOWFALLS
TODAY I DISLIKE: SLIPPERY ROADS

CITY LIGHTS

2007-03-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

HERE'S AN EXPERIMENT IN PHOTO STITCHERY. IF YOU CLICK THE PIC, IT MIGHT REQUIRE A BIT OF SIDE SCROLLING. THIS BABY IS WIDER THAN MOST SOCCER MOMS.

TODAY I LIKE: THE LIGHTS OF THE CITY
TODAY I DISLIKE: THE SMELL OF THE CITY

MONKEY BUSINESS

2007-02-25T16:14:00.000-05:00

FOR REASONS FAR TOO INTERESTING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU, I'VE HAD TO TAKE A MOMENT (OR 3 WEEKS) AWAY FROM THE SITE. BUT NOW I'M BACK, AND I'VE BROUGHT SOME SKETCHES I DID SOME YEARS BACK FOR MY FRIENDS THAT RAN AN INTERNET RADIO SHOW FROM JAPAN. THEY WERE CALLED "3 MONKEYS PRODUCTIONS", WHICH MIGHT EXPLAIN THE CHIMPS IN THE PICS. IT'S CRAMMED WITH JAPANESE BARBIE DOLLS, FRIED SUSHI BOOKS, SAM ADAMS BOTTLES, MAC ICHATS, HOT SPRING GUNSLINGERS, AND VARIOUS OTHER SHOW REFERENCES SO OLD I DOUBT ANY OF US WOULD REMEMBER WHAT WE ORIGINALLY FOUND AMUSING ABOUT THEM.

I DID 2 VERSIONS OF THE SKETCH BELOW, SINCE THE GUNS AND LACK OF PANTS WERE DEEMED TO RACY. I FIGURED IF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION, IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR DOODLES OF JAPANESE MONKEYS - BUT (SHRUG!). THUS, THE GUNS WERE REPLACED WITH BANANAS, AND THE UNCOVERED FURRY BITS IN QUESTION WERE HIDDEN BEHIND "THE GUNSLINGER'S" NEW BELT. (CLICK THE PICTURE FOR A BETTER VIEW OF THE FURRY BITS)

ULTIMATELY, I NEVER BOTHERED FINISHING ANY OF THESE PROPERLY. THROUGH THE SUBVERSIVE USE OF UBER-CUTENESS, MY FRIEND JESSIE DEVELOPED HER OWN MONKEY MASCOTS THAT DECIMATED ANY VALUE MINE MIGHT HAVE ORIGINALLY HAD. CHECK THEM OUT BELOW.

THE SHOW HAS DEVELOPED INTO A PODCAST CALLED "GUZEN RADIO" ABOUT LIFE IN JAPAN. CHECK IT OUT AT WWW.GUZENMEDIA.COM.

TODAY I LIKE: JESSIE'S MONKEY MASCOTS
TODAY I DISLIKE: OTHER PEOPLE'S DRAWINGS THAT MAKE MY OWN LOOK CRAPPY

I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFG SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFG PAGE!

2007-02-04T23:06:00.000-05:00

THIS LITTLE DUDE WAS FOUND SNEAKING AROUND THE MACHINE SHOP AT MY JOB.

TODAY I LIKE: FINDING SNAKES IN RECYCLING BINS
TODAY I DISLIKE: SALESMEN

A NOT-UNTRUE STORY #1: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3rd INPUT KIND

2007-02-02T14:05:00.000-05:00

I HAVE A THING FOR CLOUDS, AND SUNRISES, AND ALL THAT. UNFORTUNATELY, WHERE I LIVE, AN ABUNDANCE OF TREES, BUILDINGS, AND HILLS PREVENTS ME FROM EVER GETTING A GOOD LOOK AT SUCH VIEWS. NOT UNFORTUNATELY, AT A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY NEAR MY JOB CAN BE FOUND A GREAT CLIFF TOP LOOKOUT POINT. ONE MORNING I DECIDED TO VENTURE OUT THERE AT SOME UNGODLY HOUR TO SEE IF I COULD GET ANY PHOTOS/VIDEO OF THE SUN COMING UP.

WHILE MAKING MY WAY UP THE TRAIL THROUGH THE COLD PRE-MORNING DARKNESS, A GIANT GREAT HORNED OWL FLEW DIRECTLY OVER MY HEAD (NOW... A VARIETY OF CULTURES WOULD INTERPRET SUCH A THING AS A BAD OMEN. BUT NOT ME. NOPE. I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL. PHOOEY ON BAD OMENS!)

AS EXPECTED, NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WAS THERE AT THE CLIFFSIDE SO EARLY. I GET MY GEAR SET UP, I ESTIMATE WHERE THE SUN WILL POP UP ITS HEAD, AND I RUB MY CHILLED HANDS TOGETHER IN EAGER ANTICIPATION. THEN... FOOTSTEPS. DAMN. I GUESS I WON'T HAVE THIS MOMENT ALL TO MYSELF. A SOMEWHAT DISHEVELED LOOKING FELLOW GRABS HIMSELF A SPOT FEW YARDS FROM ME AND OFFERS A GREETING. I GREET HIM BACK, AND QUICKLY ESTABLISH MY "I HAVE NO INTEREST IN DEVELOPING THIS INTERACTION ANY FURTHER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH" DEMEANOR.

APPARENTLY I DIDN'T ESTABLISH THAT DEMEANOR EFFECTIVELY ENOUGH, BECAUSE AFTER I PICKED MY HEAD UP FROM THE LENS, I FOUND HIM NEXT TO ME INQUIRING WHAT I WAS UP TO. HE DEDICED TO LET ME KNOW HE HAD JUST GOT OFF FROM WORK, AND THAT THIS WAS WHERE HE LIKED TO COME TO CLEAR HIS HEAD. AFTER SOME MEANINGLESS BANTER, HE ASKED IF I'D CARE TO GO FOR A WALK - AN OFFER I RESPECTFULLY DECLINED.

"WELL, I'LL BE OVER THERE, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND," HE SAID, GESTURING TOWARDS THE WOODY PATH.

( OK... I'M SURE YOU'RE SEEING THE DIRECTION THIS STORY IS GOING IN - PERHAPS MORE CLEARLY THAN MY BLEARY, SLEEP-DEPRIVED BRAIN ALLOWED ME TO SEE AT THE TIME. DESPITE THE FACT THAT I TEND TO VIEW ALL HUMANITY AS A COLLECTION OF WRETCHED LITTLE BASTARDS CONCERNED WITH LITTLE BEYOND THEIR BASEST NEEDS AND DESIRES, I LIKE TO GIVE INDIVIDUALS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. BESIDES, IF I EVER HAVE TO CLIMB OUT OF BED BEFORE 8:30AM, THERE'S NOT A CHANCE I'M LETTING ANYTHING PREVENT ME FROM FINISHING WHAT I SET OUT TO DO. SO... )

ABOUT 5 MINUTES HAVE PASSED. I'M BLISSFULLY SNAPPING AWAY AT THE COLORFUL SKYLINE, APPRECIATING THAT I HAVE THE PLACE TO MYSELF AGAIN, WHEN SUDDENLY... FOOTSTEPS… AGAIN. HE'S BACK, AND HE'S CLOSE. TOO CLOSE.

REMEMBER HOW I MENTIONED THIS SPOT IS AT A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY? WELL, THIS IS THE MOMENT IT FINALLY OCCURS TO ME THAT, "OHHH... THIS IS A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY!!!" I WATCH MOVIES. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

HE RENEWS THE MEANINGLESS BANTER, BUT THIS TIME IT'S TINGED WITH A DISQUIETING HINT OF DESPERATION. CROOKED YELLOW TEETH FLASHED BEHIND HIS AWKWARD SMILE. DOES THIS GUY WANT TO KNIFE ME?!? DOES HE WANT TO KSS ME?!? GIVEN THE CHOICE, I MIGHT HAVE PREFERRED A STAB ATTEMPT.

I CLENCHED A FIST WITHIN MY COAT POCKET, TIGHTENING ON THE CAR KEY PROTRUDING FROM BETWEEN MY KNUCKLES. I WAS POISED TO CLAW OUT HALF OF HIS THROAT WITH IT - BUT WAS TORN BETWEEN MY ANIMAL INSTINCTS FOR SURVIVAL, AND MY PREDISPOSITION TO NOT SEEM IMPOLITE TO STRANGERS. FAKING ONE LAST GLANCE INTO MY CAMERA, I DECLARED THAT I BELIEVED I HAD ALL THE SHOTS I NEEDED, WISHED HIM A GOOD DAY, AND CAREFULLY CIRCLED AROUND HIM WITH ARMFULS OF MY UNWEILDY GEAR.

AND THAT'S ALL. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED. I WAS ABLE TO RETURN TO WORK WITH MY PROJECT COMPLETED, AND MY BODY UNSULLIED. BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON THIS GUY'S FACE. IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS WALKING AWAY FROM A CONFUSED PUPPY THAT HAD BEEN PROMISED SOME KIND OF SPECIAL TREAT. OH WELL.

I SUPPOSE THE THING I LEARNED FROM ALL THIS IS:
WHEN TAKING NATURE PHOTOS ALL BY YOURSELF DURING ODD HOURS AT A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY, BE SURE TO USE A SLOWER SHUTTER SPEED ON THE CAMERA. THAT WAY THE APERTURE CAN ACCOMODATE THE LOW LIGHT SETTINGS.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE PHOTOS. I PUT MY ASS ON THE LINE FOR THEM... LITERALLY.

TODAY I LIKE: FRIDAYS
TODAY I DISLIKE: WHATEVER IT IS ABOUT ME THAT MAKES THIS THE SECOND(!) CREEPY DUDE TO EVER PROPOSITION ME

BIRDS ON A WIRE

2007-01-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

BIRDS ON A WIRE; SQUIRREL ON A BRANCH; BUG ON A STICK. I'M NOTICING A PATTERN HERE. NEXT POST WILL PROBABLY BE GOATS ON A BOAT, OR MAYBE SNAKES ON A... SNAKES ON A...
HMMM... IF ONLY I COULD THINK OF SOMETHING CLEVER TO PUT SNAKES ON.

(SEEING HOW BLOGS ARRANGE PREVIOUS ENTRIES TOWARDS THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS PATTERN OF "ANIMALS ON STUFF" I'M SPEAKING OF EVEN IS. SCROLL DOWN A LITTLE; TAKE A LOOK; THEN READ THIS AGAIN. I PROMISE THE EFFORT WILL ONLY BE HALF AS POINTLESS AS YOU THINK... PROBABLY.)

TODAY I LIKE: ANIMALS ON STUFF
TODAY I DISLIKE: OVERHYPED FILMS

A SPECIAL SQUIRREL

2007-01-29T21:24:00.000-05:00

HERE'S A RODENT AFTER MY OWN HEART. SPRAWLED OUT AND DAYDREAMING UNDER A TREE.
...OR MAYBE IT'S DEAD.

TODAY I LIKE: DAYDREAMING, AND THE COLOR GREEN
TODAY I DISLIKE: NOISY NEIGHBORS

WINTER WEATHER

2007-01-27T14:41:00.000-05:00

YESTERDAY IT WAS 10 DEGREES OUTSIDE (WITH A WINDCHILL WELL BELOW 0). THREE WEEKS AGO IT WAS 70 DEGREES. THAT'S NOT TERRIBLY UNUSUAL.

TODAY I LIKE: WARM BEDS
TODAY I DISLIKE: GLOBAL WARMING

BUG ON A STICK

2007-01-25T21:50:00.001-05:00

THE BUG ON A STICK SURVEYS HIS KINGDOM, AND SEES THAT IT IS GOOD.

TODAY I DISLIKE: HAVING MY CAR IN THE SHOP 2 EXTRA DAYS
TODAY I LIKE: THE SUN NOT SETTING BEFORE I LEAVE WORK

TOO HOT!

2007-01-23T11:12:00.000-05:00

HERE'S A PIC FROM THE FDNY'S "FAMILY DAY" AS MY FRIEND NEARED GRADUATION. I GOT TO WATCH THEM BURN STUFF, WHICH IS ALWAYS LOTS OF FUN (ALMOST AS MUCH FUN AS BURNING STUFF BY MYSELF).

CHECK OUT THE HOTTY IN THE BACKGROUND. HUBBA HUBBA!

...YEAH, THE GIRL IN FRONT IS A HOTTY, TOO - BUT SHE'S MY FRIEND (AND MARRIED)... SO I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY HUBBA HUBBA.

TODAY I LIKE: BURNING STUFF
TODAY I DISLIKE: OPEN FIRE HYDRANTS WASTING WATER

GERBER BABY

2007-01-20T23:35:00.000-05:00

MISS AMARA GALLAGHER. SHE ALWAYS HAD A SMILE FOR ME WHENEVER I ENTERED THE ROOM. NORMALLY I'D HAVE TO LEAVE THE ROOM TO MAKE A GIRL DO THAT.

TODAY I LIKE: AMARA'S SMILE
TODAY I DISLIKE: STINKY DAIPERS

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN...

2007-01-12T16:15:00.000-05:00

...SO I OPTED FOR BLACK AND WHITE.

TODAY I DISLIKE: DULL COLORS
TODAY I LIKE: PHOTOSHOP

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE BLOGS... I'M HERE TO HELP

2007-01-01T23:32:00.000-05:00

...I DON'T LIKE BLOGS. I FIND PEOPLE THAT DO A LOT OF TALKING GENERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. IF YOUR CAT IS UNUSUALLY LETHARGIC TODAY, THERE'S NO NEED FOR A PRESS RELEASE. I'M QUITE HAPPY REMAINING UNAWARE OF WHICH CLUB A SLOPPY HOTEL HEIRESS PASSED OUT AT LAST NIGHT. WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT, I'LL HAPPILY IGNORE THE LATEST UPDATES ON CRUCIAL WORLD NEWS AS REPORTED BY GREATLY RESPECTED BLOGS... SIMPLY BECAUSE THE WORD "BLOG" SOUNDS SILLY.

HOWEVER, I HAD AN IMPORTANT DREAM LAST NIGHT. I FOUND MYSELF BESIDE ONE WILLIAM H. TAFT (27TH PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES, AND WORLD REKNOWNED WALRUS ENTHUSIAST). HE SAT ME DOWN IN HIS DRAWING ROOM FOR A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART.

HE SAID, "JAMES, MY BOY... NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE VALUE OF COMMUNICATION. WHY, I WOULD SAW OFF HALF MY LEFT FOOT TO HAVE ACCESS TO THESE UNWIRED TELEGRAMAPHONES AND WORLDWIDE INTERWEB BOXES YOU SO TAKE FOR GRANTED. EVERY VOICE IS UNIQUE, MY CHILD, AND YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE UNLIKE ANY OTHER. GO... GO AND FALL FROM THE SKY TO BESTOW YOUR COLD WETNESS UPON THE WORLD!"

I CONTEMPLATED HIS WORDS AS THE WISPY SOULS OF CHILDREN MR. TAFT HAD ONCE BESTED IN BACK-ALLEY KNIFE FIGHTS FLOATED UP AND AWAY FROM HIS MAHOGANY PIPE. CLEARLY, THIS WAS ADVICE NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

...ACTUALLY, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WOULD BOTHER WRITING SUCH NONSENSE. GUESS I'VE CAUGHT THE BLOGGER'S BUG ALREADY. THE TRUTH IS, MY BELOVED OLD SITE WASN'T SET UP IN A WAY TO FACILITATE MY LAZY TENDENCIES - SO FOR NOW, THE OLD SITE IS GOING IN THE CLOSET.

IN THE MEANTIME, HERE'S A PIC OF SOME BIRDS I FOUND ALONG THE HUDSON RIVER ACROSS FROM MANHATTAN. NOTE THE IRONIC DICHOTOMY OF THE DELICATE TROPICAL BIRDS SHARING A MOMENT ATOP A RUSTY SPAN OF BARBED WIRE (IN WINTERY NEW JERSEY, NO LESS!) ...TRUE ART.

HERE ARE SOME OTHER BIRDS I FOUND...

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