THEORY OF RELATIVITY: A TRUE STORY

SO LAST NIGHT I GOT ON MY XBOX TO SEE IF MY BROTHER IS ONLINE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY I HAVE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE GLOBE. THE DRIVE FREEZES UP AND REFUSES TO ALLOW ME ONLINE FOR WHATEVER REASON.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET SOME WORK DONE ON MY COMPUTER. IT'S A MONSTROUS PIECE OF PIMPED OUT HARDWARE COSTING 3 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER EXPENSIVE. THIS FACT IS MULTIPLIED FURTHER BY THE PRO-LEVEL ANIMATION SOFTWARE I'VE GOT INSTALLED, COSTING 8 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER SANE. SOME FRIGHTENINGLY UNFAMILIAR GIBBERISH IS SPLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN, TELLING ME ONLY THAT MY BABY IS IN DIRE TROUBLE, AND SETTING ME UP FOR A PROFOUNDLY FRUSTRATING EVENING OF TRYING TO SALVAGE IT FROM A METALLIC GRAVE.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET TO BED SO I CAN PUT AN END TO THIS DAY AND GET SOME DECENT REST. I'M PLAGUED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT BY THREE SEPARATE DREAMS INVOLVING MURDEROUS ANIMALS AND ANIMALISTIC MURDERERS TRYING TO PUT AN END TO MY LIFE WITH SHARP TEETH AND SHARPER KNIVES.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME START THE DAY AND SEE WHATS HAPPENING ON THE INTERWEBS. WITHIN 30 SECONDS, MY LAPTOP DECIDES TO MYSTERIOUSLY DISENGAGE ITSELF (AND STAY DISENGAGED) FROM THE HIGH SPEED WIRELESS CONNECTION I RECENTLY SIGNED OVER MY FIRSTBORN FOR.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET OUT OF THIS DAMNED APARTMENT AND WALK ACROSS TOWN TO MY FAVORITE BAKERY FOR MY FAVORITE SANDWICH. THAT'LL CHEER ME UP. IT'S ONLY 10:30AM, BUT MY FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY ALL SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME FALL BACK ON MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH SINCE I'M ALREADY HERE. MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME STOP BY THE SPECIALTY FOOD STORE SO I CAN AT LEAST HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR HAVING WALKED ALL THE WAY OUT HERE. IT IS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN THAT STOCKS THE FOOD THAT HELPS A SILLY VEGETARIAN LIKE ME STAY FED IN A SILLY COUNTRY LIKE THIS. THE STORE IS CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GRAB THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT AND SWING IT AT EVERY SKULL THAT COMES INTO SIGHT. ONE OF THE FIRST TARGETS THAT I LOCK ONTO IS AN OLDER GENTLEMAN, JUST OVER 4 FEET IN STATURE, HUNCHED OVER, AND STRUGGLING TO KEEP HIS LEGS PROPERLY STEPPING ONE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER - AS THEY ARE CLEARLY BENT, CROOKED, AND NOT THE OF THE SAME LENGTH.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... ALRIGHT... AND I SEEM TO FORGET ABOUT WHATEVER IT WAS THAT I HAD ON MY MIND EARLIER.

NOT A JOKE

THERE WERE THREE GUYS AT THE GYM TODAY FROM THE Kagoshima University of Medicine. THEIR SHIRTS WERE EMBLAZONED WITH KUM.

SERIOUSLY.

WE CARE ECOLOGY

I CARE GRAMMAR.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 6

ON THE TRAIN TO IBUSUKI, XING WAS HAVING US LOOK OUT THE WINDOW FOR ALL SORTS OF STUFF THAT WASN’T THERE. GREAT FUN. BY THE TIME XING SAID, “LOOK, A SPACE SHUTTLE!”, WE WERE ALREADY WISE TO HER TRICKS. HOWEVER, I LOOKED UP AND ADDED, “OH YEAH… A SPACE SHUTTLE.” FOR INDEED THERE WAS ONE THERE PERCHED ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT, SO I SHAN’T.

ON THE RIDE BACK, I WAS DETERMINED TO CAPTURE A PHOTO OF THE INEXPLICABLY POSITIONED SPACE VEHICLE. UNFORTUNATELY, I ONLY GOT A SHOT OF BLURRY TREE BRANCHES GETTING IN MY WAY. SO, I HAVE NO PROOF TO HELP IN UN-BESMIRCHING XING’S HONEST REPUTATION. INSTEAD, I HAVE A PHOTO OF A FARMER POKING AT SOME ASH WITH A STICK.
PLEASE ENJOY.





THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO END A MORNING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY TRAIN TO ENJOY A JAPANESE ONSEN (HOT SPRING). AND THAT IS: TO BEGIN AN EVENING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY BOAT TO ENJOY ANOTHER ONSEN. THIS NEXT ONE IS CALLED FURUSATO ONSEN, AND SITS ALONG THE COAST OF A SMALL ISLAND.

WELL, IT’S NOT REALLY AN ISLAND AS MUCH AS IT IS A GIANT VOLCANO STICKING OUT OF THE WATER. A LIVE VOLCANO, MIND YOU. THUS, THE PRESENCE OF HOT WATER.


HERE ARE MY FRIENDS TEXTING EACH OTHER ABOUT TONIGHT’S PLANS. KEITAIS (CELL PHONES) AREN’T SIMPLY AN APPLIANCE IN JAPAN. THEY’RE A LIFESTYLE.



MOST HOT SPRINGS ARE SPLIT BY GENDER, SINCE EVERYONE’S SITTING AROUND ALL NEKKID AND STUFF WITH THEIR NAUGHTY BITS FLOATING TO AND FRO. FURUSATO ONSEN, HOWEVER, IS RARE IN THAT IT ALLOWS EVERYONE TO WEAR AN (INTENTIONALLY?) MICRO-THIN ROBE INTO THE WATER, SO THAT BOTH SEXES CAN “HANG OUT” TOGETHER. I SUGGESTED THAT WE DISCARD THE ROBES ANYWAY, Y’KNOW, FOR THE SAKE OF TRADITION – AND THIS SUGGESTION IN NO WAY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING THE ONLY MALE IN THE GROUP. REGARDLESS, IT DIDN’T FLY.

GOTTA SAY, I QUITE ENJOYED MY FIRST ONSEN EXPERIENCE, DESPITE ALL THE OLD DUDES’ WRINKLY FRONT AND BACK PARTS I HAD TO SEE IN THOSE LOCKER ROOMS. ANYWAY, HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS I’M STEALING FROM MY FRIEND, SINCE I VALUE PROTECTING MY CAMERA FROM SAND AND WATER FAR MORE THAN I VALUE YOUR POTENTIAL ENJOYMENT OF MY PHOTOS. THANKS RACHELLE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 5

MYSELF, AND MY ENGLISH TEACHING FRIENDS TOOK A TRAIN TO IBUSUKI FOR THEIR FAMOUS HOT SAND-BATH SAUNAS. THERE ARE NATURAL HOT SPRINGS RUNNING BENEATH THE BEACHES THERE, AND FOR THE LOW PRICE OF JUST 1,000 YEN (ROUGHLY $10 U.S.) YOU CAN HIRE SOME LOCAL DUDES WITH SHOVELS TO BURY YOU IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.

THE BEACH IS ESSENTIALLY A FIELD OF DISEMBODIED TOURIST HEADS EMERGING FROM THE GROUND IN TWO NEAT LITTLE ROWS. POSSIBLY ONE OF THE MOST BIZARRE IMAGES YOU MIGHT EVER SEE ON THIS SITE… EXCEPT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW. I DIDN’T THINK MY CAMERA WOULD TAKE KINDLY TO BEING BURIED UNDER THE (SIGNIFICANT) WEIGHT OF BURNING HOT, WET, BLACK SAND.

INSTEAD, I PRESENT TO YOU… THATCHED SAUNA ROOFS. PLEASE ENJOY THESE PICTURES AS YOU IMAGINE THE INTERESTING SCENE BENEATH THAT I DID NOT TROUBLE MYSELF TO CAPTURE FOR YOU.





ABOVE IS A FINE WORK OF ART ADORNING THE WALLS OF THE SAUNA ENTRANCE. I BELIEVE THE OUTRAGEOUSLY INFLATED BREASTS OF THE BUS-SIZED SALAMANDER IN SLUMBER REPRESENTS THE PRECARIOUS CONDITION OF JAPAN’S ECONOMIC BUBBLE OF THE 90’S, WHILE THE FISHERMAN TWEAKING THE BULBOUS NIPPLE SIGNIFIES THE STRUGGLE OF THE JAPANESE MAN COMING TO TERMS WITH THE INHERENT UNCERTAINTIES OF A RAPIDLY EVOLVING CULTURE BUBBLING BENEATH AN OTHERWISE CALM AND SERENE SURFACE.

EITHER THAT, OR SOME CARTOONIST JUST REALLY GETS OFF ON THE IDEA OF MOLESTING AN AMPHIBIAN WITH CANS AS LARGE AS A VOLKSWAGEN.

THIS SIGN BELOW IS FUNNY TO ME FOR TWO REASONS. BOTH REASONS WOULD ONLY APPEAL TO THE SENSIBILITIES OF A TEN YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR GIGGLES, SO I WON’T ELABORATE ON EITHER.

RACE DAY - PART 4: THE CHICKS

RACE DAY - PART 3: THE CHICKS

THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN. I THINK MOST FOLKS FROM MISSISSIPPI, THE MIDDLE EAST, AND HERE IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF JAPAN MIGHT AGREE. EXCEPT THEY MIGHT TAKE IT TO MEAN GREAT WOMEN SHOULD BE BEHIND GREAT MEN, BOTH FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY.

ON RACE DAY, THE BOYS GOT TO GO FIRST. THEIR STRETCH WAS 7.5km. THE GIRLS WENT NEXT, HAVING ONLY TO COMPLETE 4.8km. EVERYONE DID GREAT.

I'M NO AUTHORITY ON WHAT THE TWO SEXES ARE AND AREN'T CAPABLE OF... BUT I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHICH HALF OF THE SPECIES IS THE SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO VOGUEING, NO?

RACE DAY - PART 2: THE DUDES

BEING LATE TO SCHOOL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED HERE.
VERY STRONGLY DISCOURAGED.

RACE DAY - PART 1: THE DUDES

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE NOTHING SEEMS TO GO RIGHT; YOUR PATIENCE IS TESTED AT EVERY TURN; EVERY SINGLE THING GOING ON AROUND YOU SERVES TO PUSH YOU CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EDGE OF THROWING A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM AND DECLARING YOUR UNADULTERATED HATRED FOR EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT, INCLUDING THEIR PARENTS, CHILDREN, AND SECOND COUSINS?

NO? ME NEITHER. DON'T KNOW WHY I BROUGHT IT UP.





THE OTHER WEEK MY HIGH SCHOOL HAD EVERY STUDENT RUN A BIG GIANT LAP AROUND THE TOWN. I WAS THERE WITH MY CAMERA TO DOCUMENT THE FUN. AS IT TURNS OUT, PUSHING YOUR BODY TO THE POINT JUST SHORT OF VOMITING, FOLLOWED BY COLLAPSING UNCONSCIOUSLY INTO A POOL OF SAID VOMIT... hmmm, not so much fun from the looks of it.

EDUCATE... WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WAS STRICT? YOU'VE GOT NO IDEA, MAN. NO IDEA.

THINGS THAT I CAN NEVER UNSEE

I'VE SEEN SOME TRULY REMARKABLE THINGS SINCE I'VE ARRIVED ON THESE SHORES. TAKE FOR EXAMPLE...

-AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD STEPPING INTO THE CENTER OF A HEAVILY TRAFFICKED ROAD, LEADING A MONSTROUSLY OVERSIZED FIGHTING BULL (BRED SIMPLY TO HURT OTHER BULLS) BY ITS NOSE
-A BIKE THAT FOLDS IN HALF
-A GECKO DESPERATELY TRYING TO SCRAMBLE UP MY LEG TO AVOID DROWNING WHILE I SHOWERED
-BOULDERS THE SIZE OF TRUCKS DELICATELY PERCHED UPON UNIMAGINABLY THIN BASES CARVED AWAY BY TIME AND THE WAVES OF THE OCEAN

-A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HAND
-A REAR VIEW CAMERA FOR PARKING THAT DISPLAYS COMPUTER OVERLAYS OF CALCULATED ANGLES AND DISTANCES
-A LIVE (AND QUITE ACTIVE) VOLCANO SITTING ALONGSIDE A BUSTLING URBAN CITY


-A MAN USING AN EIGHT FOOT ROD TO BEAT A POISONOUS SNAKE TO DEATH NEXT TO MY DRIVEWAY
-A CROWD OF HYSTERICAL JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS REACTING TO MY PRESENCE IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THE BEATLES WERE GREETED WHEN LANDING IN AMERICA (INCLUDING AUTOGRAPH REQUESTS AND TEARS... DON'T ASK WHY, I'M JUST A CLUELESS)
-A CELL PHONE WITH TV RECEPTION
-A PARCHED GOAT DRINKING FROM IT’S OWN SWOLLEN NIPPLES


-AN INJURED CAT VIOLENTLY FLOPPING UP AND DOWN 2 FEET IN THE AIR BEFORE COLLAPSING IN A POOL OF ITS OWN BLOOD
-"HONOR SYSTEM" VEGETABLE STANDS WITH NO ATTENDANTS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY
-A FURIOUS THREE LEGGED DOG CHASING ME OFF ITS PROPERTY
-AND THIS THING! WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEN FRANKLIN IS THIS THING?!?


ALL THOSE MOMENTS WILL BE LOST IN TIME... LIKE TEARS IN RAIN.