MAKIN' BABIES

THE FULL MOON IS HERE, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR THE RARE SEA TURTLE TO CLIMB OUT OF THE OCEAN TO DUMP ITS BABIES IN A PIT ONSHORE. THE EGG LAYING PROCESS IS AN INCREDIBLY ARDUOUS AND VULNERABLE TIME FOR THIS LUMBERING MAIDEN OF THE OCEAN, MAKING IT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO HARASS HER UP CLOSE WITH FLASHES OF CAMERAS AND POKES WITH STICKS. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CREATURE HERE WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD FIND AT THE BEACH THAT NIGHT. SHE ALSO REFUSED TO GIVE BIRTH TO ANYTHING IN FRONT OF ME. MAYBE NEXT MONTH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

RACE DAY - PART 4: THE CHICKS

RACE DAY - PART 3: THE CHICKS

THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN. I THINK MOST FOLKS FROM MISSISSIPPI, THE MIDDLE EAST, AND HERE IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF JAPAN MIGHT AGREE. EXCEPT THEY MIGHT TAKE IT TO MEAN GREAT WOMEN SHOULD BE BEHIND GREAT MEN, BOTH FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY.

ON RACE DAY, THE BOYS GOT TO GO FIRST. THEIR STRETCH WAS 7.5km. THE GIRLS WENT NEXT, HAVING ONLY TO COMPLETE 4.8km. EVERYONE DID GREAT.

I'M NO AUTHORITY ON WHAT THE TWO SEXES ARE AND AREN'T CAPABLE OF... BUT I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHICH HALF OF THE SPECIES IS THE SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO VOGUEING, NO?

RACE DAY - PART 2: THE DUDES

BEING LATE TO SCHOOL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED HERE.
VERY STRONGLY DISCOURAGED.

RACE DAY - PART 1: THE DUDES

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE NOTHING SEEMS TO GO RIGHT; YOUR PATIENCE IS TESTED AT EVERY TURN; EVERY SINGLE THING GOING ON AROUND YOU SERVES TO PUSH YOU CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EDGE OF THROWING A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM AND DECLARING YOUR UNADULTERATED HATRED FOR EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT, INCLUDING THEIR PARENTS, CHILDREN, AND SECOND COUSINS?

NO? ME NEITHER. DON'T KNOW WHY I BROUGHT IT UP.





THE OTHER WEEK MY HIGH SCHOOL HAD EVERY STUDENT RUN A BIG GIANT LAP AROUND THE TOWN. I WAS THERE WITH MY CAMERA TO DOCUMENT THE FUN. AS IT TURNS OUT, PUSHING YOUR BODY TO THE POINT JUST SHORT OF VOMITING, FOLLOWED BY COLLAPSING UNCONSCIOUSLY INTO A POOL OF SAID VOMIT... hmmm, not so much fun from the looks of it.

EDUCATE... WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WAS STRICT? YOU'VE GOT NO IDEA, MAN. NO IDEA.

THINGS THAT I CAN NEVER UNSEE

I'VE SEEN SOME TRULY REMARKABLE THINGS SINCE I'VE ARRIVED ON THESE SHORES. TAKE FOR EXAMPLE...

-AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD STEPPING INTO THE CENTER OF A HEAVILY TRAFFICKED ROAD, LEADING A MONSTROUSLY OVERSIZED FIGHTING BULL (BRED SIMPLY TO HURT OTHER BULLS) BY ITS NOSE
-A BIKE THAT FOLDS IN HALF
-A GECKO DESPERATELY TRYING TO SCRAMBLE UP MY LEG TO AVOID DROWNING WHILE I SHOWERED
-BOULDERS THE SIZE OF TRUCKS DELICATELY PERCHED UPON UNIMAGINABLY THIN BASES CARVED AWAY BY TIME AND THE WAVES OF THE OCEAN

-A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HAND
-A REAR VIEW CAMERA FOR PARKING THAT DISPLAYS COMPUTER OVERLAYS OF CALCULATED ANGLES AND DISTANCES
-A LIVE (AND QUITE ACTIVE) VOLCANO SITTING ALONGSIDE A BUSTLING URBAN CITY


-A MAN USING AN EIGHT FOOT ROD TO BEAT A POISONOUS SNAKE TO DEATH NEXT TO MY DRIVEWAY
-A CROWD OF HYSTERICAL JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS REACTING TO MY PRESENCE IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THE BEATLES WERE GREETED WHEN LANDING IN AMERICA (INCLUDING AUTOGRAPH REQUESTS AND TEARS... DON'T ASK WHY, I'M JUST A CLUELESS)
-A CELL PHONE WITH TV RECEPTION
-A PARCHED GOAT DRINKING FROM IT’S OWN SWOLLEN NIPPLES


-AN INJURED CAT VIOLENTLY FLOPPING UP AND DOWN 2 FEET IN THE AIR BEFORE COLLAPSING IN A POOL OF ITS OWN BLOOD
-"HONOR SYSTEM" VEGETABLE STANDS WITH NO ATTENDANTS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY
-A FURIOUS THREE LEGGED DOG CHASING ME OFF ITS PROPERTY
-AND THIS THING! WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEN FRANKLIN IS THIS THING?!?


ALL THOSE MOMENTS WILL BE LOST IN TIME... LIKE TEARS IN RAIN.