I SHOULDN'T POST THIS, BUT...

DID I MENTION I TEACH AT UP TO 20 SCHOOLS IN JAPAN? 12 OF THESE ARE ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS. INTERESTING THING ABOUT TEACHING ENGLISH AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS IS THAT NOBODY THERE CAN SPEAK IT BESIDES ME. FORTUNATELY, I AM ALSO FLUENT IN "ENGRISH", SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM WHEN I RECEIVE A LESSON PLAN BY FAX SUCH AS THIS ONE...

Children look forward to studying the English with Mr. James very much. I introduce myself and I become slightly close and think that I am happy and should have been able to learn it while singing an English song.

DID YOU NOTICE THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPELLING MISTAKE?

CUZ A "REAL" POST IS TOO MUCH WORK

SO I MEET THIS GOAT ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? AN HE'S ALL, "YO, MY MAN! CAN YOU SPARE TWO DOLLARS?" AND I'M LIKE, "SORRY BRO, I DON'T HAVE ANY TO SPARE." BUT HE'S ALL LIKE, "C'MON, SON! I NEED IT TO GET HOME ON THE LAST BUS. HELP A BRUTHA OUT!" AND THEN I'M LIKE, " YO! YO! WAIT A MINUTE! ...THIS CRAZY ASS GOAT IS TALKING TO ME!!! HOW'D HE LEARN ENGLISH OUT HERE IN THE BOONIES OF JAPAN?!?"

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 2

HERE ARE SOME INTERESTING PHOTOS FROM KAGOSHIMA THAT YOU WON'T POSSIBLY FIND INTERESTING.



THIS IS THE VIEW FROM MY HOTEL WINDOW. WHY DID I BOTHER TO TAKE A PICTURE OF IT? SOMETIMES THE QUESTION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ANSWER.

EXCEPT IN THIS CASE. NEITHER IS WORTH A DAMN.



HERE'S THE COLONEL REACHING OUT WITH HIS WITHERED OLD HANDS TO CLEAVE THROUGH YOUR RIBCAGE AND PULL OUT YOUR SOUL. THIS MAN'S FACE REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT I HATE ABOUT THE MEAT INDUSTRY.

AND OLD PEOPLE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 1

ON OCCASION I TRY TO MAKE IT TO THE MAINLAND TO ENJOY WHAT THE RURAL LIFE ON MY ISLAND CAN'T PROVIDE. THINGS LIKE BUILDINGS WITH MORE THAN THREE FLOORS, HIGHWAYS WITH MORE THAN ONE LANE (BY WHICH OF COURSE I MEAN ONE LANE SHARED BY BOTH DIRECTIONS), AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY... AFFORDABLE LETTUCE.

HERE'S A ROMANTIC MOMENT BETWEEN TWO FRIENDS AT A MARRIAGE RENT-A-ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF AN OUTDOOR MALL.



I TOLD MY PAL XINGLING THIS SIGN BELOW WAS MY BELOVED ISLAND. A CLOSE LOOK REVEALS THAT THIS PARTICULAR ISLAND HAS ABOUT 3 HOMES ON IT, AND A SMALL BICYCLE. SEE, IT'S FUNNY CUZ MY PLACE HAS ABOUT 8 OR 9 HOMES, AND AT LEAST 2 SCOOTERS. CLEVER, RIGHT? ...Hmmm, GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.


STAYING ON THE MAINLAND IS A NICE VACATION FOR MY BRAIN, TOO. I GET TO SPEAK AS LITTLE JAPANESE AS POSSIBLE, SINCE XING'S JAPANESE IS JUST AS GOOD AS (IF NOT BETTER) THAN MINE (THOUGH I WON'T ADMIT THAT TO THAT... uhhh, EVEN THOUGH I JUST DID).

IT'S ESPECIALLY FUN TO LET HER DO ALL THE TALKING WITH THE LOCALS SINCE (BY THE JUDGEMENT OF SOME) SHE SOMEWHAT RESEMBLES THEM (OR TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, SHE'S MORE LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN AS JAPANESE THAN I AM... PERHAPS). THE PUZZLED LOOKS ON STORE CLERK FACES WHEN THEY HEAR HER ACCENT ARE PHOTO-WORTHY. FOR PERSPECTIVE, TRY PICTURING A MAN WITH A 10-GALLON COWBOY HAT AND HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE ASKING YOU FOR DIRECTIONS WITH THE ACCENT OF A MILD-MANNERED BRITISH GENTLEMAN.


THESE OUTDOOR HEATERS ARE QUITE NICE IN THE WINTER TIME, IF YOU DON'T MIND STANDING NO FURTHER THAN A FOOT AWAY WITH YOUR ARMS RAISED THE ENTIRE TIME. WHAT THEY LACK IN ENERGY EFFICIENCY, THEY MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR WITH... SOMETHING ELSE... I'M ASSUMING.

RACE DAY - PART 4: THE CHICKS

RACE DAY - PART 3: THE CHICKS

THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN. I THINK MOST FOLKS FROM MISSISSIPPI, THE MIDDLE EAST, AND HERE IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF JAPAN MIGHT AGREE. EXCEPT THEY MIGHT TAKE IT TO MEAN GREAT WOMEN SHOULD BE BEHIND GREAT MEN, BOTH FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY.

ON RACE DAY, THE BOYS GOT TO GO FIRST. THEIR STRETCH WAS 7.5km. THE GIRLS WENT NEXT, HAVING ONLY TO COMPLETE 4.8km. EVERYONE DID GREAT.

I'M NO AUTHORITY ON WHAT THE TWO SEXES ARE AND AREN'T CAPABLE OF... BUT I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHICH HALF OF THE SPECIES IS THE SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO VOGUEING, NO?

RACE DAY - PART 2: THE DUDES

BEING LATE TO SCHOOL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED HERE.
VERY STRONGLY DISCOURAGED.

RACE DAY - PART 1: THE DUDES

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE NOTHING SEEMS TO GO RIGHT; YOUR PATIENCE IS TESTED AT EVERY TURN; EVERY SINGLE THING GOING ON AROUND YOU SERVES TO PUSH YOU CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EDGE OF THROWING A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM AND DECLARING YOUR UNADULTERATED HATRED FOR EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT, INCLUDING THEIR PARENTS, CHILDREN, AND SECOND COUSINS?

NO? ME NEITHER. DON'T KNOW WHY I BROUGHT IT UP.





THE OTHER WEEK MY HIGH SCHOOL HAD EVERY STUDENT RUN A BIG GIANT LAP AROUND THE TOWN. I WAS THERE WITH MY CAMERA TO DOCUMENT THE FUN. AS IT TURNS OUT, PUSHING YOUR BODY TO THE POINT JUST SHORT OF VOMITING, FOLLOWED BY COLLAPSING UNCONSCIOUSLY INTO A POOL OF SAID VOMIT... hmmm, not so much fun from the looks of it.

EDUCATE... WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WAS STRICT? YOU'VE GOT NO IDEA, MAN. NO IDEA.

THINGS THAT I CAN NEVER UNSEE

I'VE SEEN SOME TRULY REMARKABLE THINGS SINCE I'VE ARRIVED ON THESE SHORES. TAKE FOR EXAMPLE...

-AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD STEPPING INTO THE CENTER OF A HEAVILY TRAFFICKED ROAD, LEADING A MONSTROUSLY OVERSIZED FIGHTING BULL (BRED SIMPLY TO HURT OTHER BULLS) BY ITS NOSE
-A BIKE THAT FOLDS IN HALF
-A GECKO DESPERATELY TRYING TO SCRAMBLE UP MY LEG TO AVOID DROWNING WHILE I SHOWERED
-BOULDERS THE SIZE OF TRUCKS DELICATELY PERCHED UPON UNIMAGINABLY THIN BASES CARVED AWAY BY TIME AND THE WAVES OF THE OCEAN

-A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HAND
-A REAR VIEW CAMERA FOR PARKING THAT DISPLAYS COMPUTER OVERLAYS OF CALCULATED ANGLES AND DISTANCES
-A LIVE (AND QUITE ACTIVE) VOLCANO SITTING ALONGSIDE A BUSTLING URBAN CITY


-A MAN USING AN EIGHT FOOT ROD TO BEAT A POISONOUS SNAKE TO DEATH NEXT TO MY DRIVEWAY
-A CROWD OF HYSTERICAL JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS REACTING TO MY PRESENCE IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THE BEATLES WERE GREETED WHEN LANDING IN AMERICA (INCLUDING AUTOGRAPH REQUESTS AND TEARS... DON'T ASK WHY, I'M JUST A CLUELESS)
-A CELL PHONE WITH TV RECEPTION
-A PARCHED GOAT DRINKING FROM IT’S OWN SWOLLEN NIPPLES


-AN INJURED CAT VIOLENTLY FLOPPING UP AND DOWN 2 FEET IN THE AIR BEFORE COLLAPSING IN A POOL OF ITS OWN BLOOD
-"HONOR SYSTEM" VEGETABLE STANDS WITH NO ATTENDANTS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY
-A FURIOUS THREE LEGGED DOG CHASING ME OFF ITS PROPERTY
-AND THIS THING! WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEN FRANKLIN IS THIS THING?!?


ALL THOSE MOMENTS WILL BE LOST IN TIME... LIKE TEARS IN RAIN.