MONKEY BUSINESS

FOR REASONS FAR TOO INTERESTING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU, I'VE HAD TO TAKE A MOMENT (OR 3 WEEKS) AWAY FROM THE SITE. BUT NOW I'M BACK, AND I'VE BROUGHT SOME SKETCHES I DID SOME YEARS BACK FOR MY FRIENDS THAT RAN AN INTERNET RADIO SHOW FROM JAPAN. THEY WERE CALLED "3 MONKEYS PRODUCTIONS", WHICH MIGHT EXPLAIN THE CHIMPS IN THE PICS. IT'S CRAMMED WITH JAPANESE BARBIE DOLLS, FRIED SUSHI BOOKS, SAM ADAMS BOTTLES, MAC ICHATS, HOT SPRING GUNSLINGERS, AND VARIOUS OTHER SHOW REFERENCES SO OLD I DOUBT ANY OF US WOULD REMEMBER WHAT WE ORIGINALLY FOUND AMUSING ABOUT THEM.


I DID 2 VERSIONS OF THE SKETCH BELOW, SINCE THE GUNS AND LACK OF PANTS WERE DEEMED TO RACY. I FIGURED IF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION, IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR DOODLES OF JAPANESE MONKEYS - BUT (SHRUG!). THUS, THE GUNS WERE REPLACED WITH BANANAS, AND THE UNCOVERED FURRY BITS IN QUESTION WERE HIDDEN BEHIND "THE GUNSLINGER'S" NEW BELT. (CLICK THE PICTURE FOR A BETTER VIEW OF THE FURRY BITS)


ULTIMATELY, I NEVER BOTHERED FINISHING ANY OF THESE PROPERLY. THROUGH THE SUBVERSIVE USE OF UBER-CUTENESS, MY FRIEND JESSIE DEVELOPED HER OWN MONKEY MASCOTS THAT DECIMATED ANY VALUE MINE MIGHT HAVE ORIGINALLY HAD. CHECK THEM OUT BELOW.



THE SHOW HAS DEVELOPED INTO A PODCAST CALLED "GUZEN RADIO" ABOUT LIFE IN JAPAN. CHECK IT OUT AT WWW.GUZENMEDIA.COM.

TODAY I LIKE: JESSIE'S MONKEY MASCOTS
TODAY I DISLIKE: OTHER PEOPLE'S DRAWINGS THAT MAKE MY OWN LOOK CRAPPY

I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF*****G SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERF*****G PAGE!

THIS LITTLE DUDE WAS FOUND SNEAKING AROUND THE MACHINE SHOP AT MY JOB.


TODAY I LIKE: FINDING SNAKES IN RECYCLING BINS
TODAY I DISLIKE: SALESMEN

A NOT-UNTRUE STORY #1: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3rd INPUT KIND

I HAVE A THING FOR CLOUDS, AND SUNRISES, AND ALL THAT. UNFORTUNATELY, WHERE I LIVE, AN ABUNDANCE OF TREES, BUILDINGS, AND HILLS PREVENTS ME FROM EVER GETTING A GOOD LOOK AT SUCH VIEWS. NOT UNFORTUNATELY, AT A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY NEAR MY JOB CAN BE FOUND A GREAT CLIFF TOP LOOKOUT POINT. ONE MORNING I DECIDED TO VENTURE OUT THERE AT SOME UNGODLY HOUR TO SEE IF I COULD GET ANY PHOTOS/VIDEO OF THE SUN COMING UP.

WHILE MAKING MY WAY UP THE TRAIL THROUGH THE COLD PRE-MORNING DARKNESS, A GIANT GREAT HORNED OWL FLEW DIRECTLY OVER MY HEAD (NOW... A VARIETY OF CULTURES WOULD INTERPRET SUCH A THING AS A BAD OMEN. BUT NOT ME. NOPE. I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL. PHOOEY ON BAD OMENS!)

AS EXPECTED, NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WAS THERE AT THE CLIFFSIDE SO EARLY. I GET MY GEAR SET UP, I ESTIMATE WHERE THE SUN WILL POP UP ITS HEAD, AND I RUB MY CHILLED HANDS TOGETHER IN EAGER ANTICIPATION. THEN... FOOTSTEPS. DAMN. I GUESS I WON'T HAVE THIS MOMENT ALL TO MYSELF. A SOMEWHAT DISHEVELED LOOKING FELLOW GRABS HIMSELF A SPOT FEW YARDS FROM ME AND OFFERS A GREETING. I GREET HIM BACK, AND QUICKLY ESTABLISH MY "I HAVE NO INTEREST IN DEVELOPING THIS INTERACTION ANY FURTHER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH" DEMEANOR.


APPARENTLY I DIDN'T ESTABLISH THAT DEMEANOR EFFECTIVELY ENOUGH, BECAUSE AFTER I PICKED MY HEAD UP FROM THE LENS, I FOUND HIM NEXT TO ME INQUIRING WHAT I WAS UP TO. HE DEDICED TO LET ME KNOW HE HAD JUST GOT OFF FROM WORK, AND THAT THIS WAS WHERE HE LIKED TO COME TO CLEAR HIS HEAD. AFTER SOME MEANINGLESS BANTER, HE ASKED IF I'D CARE TO GO FOR A WALK - AN OFFER I RESPECTFULLY DECLINED.

"WELL, I'LL BE OVER THERE, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND," HE SAID, GESTURING TOWARDS THE WOODY PATH.

( OK... I'M SURE YOU'RE SEEING THE DIRECTION THIS STORY IS GOING IN - PERHAPS MORE CLEARLY THAN MY BLEARY, SLEEP-DEPRIVED BRAIN ALLOWED ME TO SEE AT THE TIME. DESPITE THE FACT THAT I TEND TO VIEW ALL HUMANITY AS A COLLECTION OF WRETCHED LITTLE BASTARDS CONCERNED WITH LITTLE BEYOND THEIR BASEST NEEDS AND DESIRES, I LIKE TO GIVE INDIVIDUALS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. BESIDES, IF I EVER HAVE TO CLIMB OUT OF BED BEFORE 8:30AM, THERE'S NOT A CHANCE I'M LETTING ANYTHING PREVENT ME FROM FINISHING WHAT I SET OUT TO DO. SO... )

ABOUT 5 MINUTES HAVE PASSED. I'M BLISSFULLY SNAPPING AWAY AT THE COLORFUL SKYLINE, APPRECIATING THAT I HAVE THE PLACE TO MYSELF AGAIN, WHEN SUDDENLY... FOOTSTEPS… AGAIN. HE'S BACK, AND HE'S CLOSE. TOO CLOSE.


REMEMBER HOW I MENTIONED THIS SPOT IS AT A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY? WELL, THIS IS THE MOMENT IT FINALLY OCCURS TO ME THAT, "OHHH... THIS IS A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY!!!" I WATCH MOVIES. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

HE RENEWS THE MEANINGLESS BANTER, BUT THIS TIME IT'S TINGED WITH A DISQUIETING HINT OF DESPERATION. CROOKED YELLOW TEETH FLASHED BEHIND HIS AWKWARD SMILE. DOES THIS GUY WANT TO KNIFE ME?!? DOES HE WANT TO KSS ME?!? GIVEN THE CHOICE, I MIGHT HAVE PREFERRED A STAB ATTEMPT.

I CLENCHED A FIST WITHIN MY COAT POCKET, TIGHTENING ON THE CAR KEY PROTRUDING FROM BETWEEN MY KNUCKLES. I WAS POISED TO CLAW OUT HALF OF HIS THROAT WITH IT - BUT WAS TORN BETWEEN MY ANIMAL INSTINCTS FOR SURVIVAL, AND MY PREDISPOSITION TO NOT SEEM IMPOLITE TO STRANGERS. FAKING ONE LAST GLANCE INTO MY CAMERA, I DECLARED THAT I BELIEVED I HAD ALL THE SHOTS I NEEDED, WISHED HIM A GOOD DAY, AND CAREFULLY CIRCLED AROUND HIM WITH ARMFULS OF MY UNWEILDY GEAR.


AND THAT'S ALL. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED. I WAS ABLE TO RETURN TO WORK WITH MY PROJECT COMPLETED, AND MY BODY UNSULLIED. BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON THIS GUY'S FACE. IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS WALKING AWAY FROM A CONFUSED PUPPY THAT HAD BEEN PROMISED SOME KIND OF SPECIAL TREAT. OH WELL.

I SUPPOSE THE THING I LEARNED FROM ALL THIS IS:
WHEN TAKING NATURE PHOTOS ALL BY YOURSELF DURING ODD HOURS AT A QUIET AND SECLUDED REST STOP OFF OF A HIGHWAY, BE SURE TO USE A SLOWER SHUTTER SPEED ON THE CAMERA. THAT WAY THE APERTURE CAN ACCOMODATE THE LOW LIGHT SETTINGS.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE PHOTOS. I PUT MY ASS ON THE LINE FOR THEM... LITERALLY.

TODAY I LIKE: FRIDAYS
TODAY I DISLIKE: WHATEVER IT IS ABOUT ME THAT MAKES THIS THE SECOND(!) CREEPY DUDE TO EVER PROPOSITION ME