INOJOUFUTA

THESE ARE THE PICS FROM INOJOUFUTA THAT I PROMISED IN MY EARLIER BIRTHDAY POST. NOTE THE TWO DUDES FISHING FROM THE OVERHANG.




IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SPOT, BUT THE CRASHING WAVES AND KNIFE EDGE ROCKS MAKE SWIMMING AN IMPOSSIBILITY. WERE YOU TO STEP FOOT IN THE WATER, YOU WOULD BE TORN TO RAGGEDY STRIPS OF FLESH BEFORE YOU COULD SAY, "OOH, CHILLY!" LIKE DATING A CRAZY CHICK, THE DANGER IS PART OF WHAT MAKES THE EXPERIENCE SO BEAUTIFUL.








JUST BEYOND THE COASTLINE IS AN ALTAR TO THE SEA CREATED BY (AND SLOWLY BEING UNDONE BY) MOTHER NATURE. IT RISES FROM THE WATERLINE TO COLLECT ON ITS FLATTENED TOP A SERENE POOL PROTECTED FROM THE TUMULTUOUS WAVES CRASHING AGAINST IT. I'M THINKING IT JUST MIGHT BE THE MOST INTERESTING NATURAL FORMATION I'VE EVER SEEN.

JAPAN'S UNDERGROUND SCENE

IT WAS THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. I WOKE UP AND CALLED HOME TO WISH MY SISTER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY (HERS IS THE DAY AFTER MINE. YES, I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SHARE ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD BIRTHDAY PARTIES WITH HER AND HER GROSS GIRLY FRIENDS). HOWEVER, ON THIS MORNING I WAS THE ONE BEING WISHED A HAPPY DAY OF BIRTH. OHHH, THAT’S RIGHT! I ALMOST FORGOT THAT I LIVE IN THE FUTURE. JAPAN IS 14 HOURS AHEAD OF AMERICA, SO TECHNICALLY, IT WAS STILL MY DAY. RIGHTEOUS!

LATER, I GOT A CALL FROM MY FRIEND LAURA ASKING IF I’D CARE TO JOIN HER BOYFRIEND’S FAMILY ON A HIKE.

“SURE, I LOVE HIKES.”

I WAS TOLD TO WEAR LONG CLOTHING THAT I WOULDN’T MIND GETTING WET.

“UH, SURE. I KIND OF LIKE WET HIKES.”

SHE CALLED BACK SHORTLY AND TOLD ME I HAD 10 MINUTES TO GET READY AND GO TO THE STORE TO BUY FLASHLIGHTS.

“ERR, SURE, I GUESS. IT’S POSSIBLE I MIGHT ENJOY RUSHED SOGGY DAYTIME HIKES OF MYSTERY THAT REQUIRE FLASHLIGHTS. UM, WHERE ARE WE GOING AGAIN?”

SHE WASN’T SURE HERSELF. SHE WAS ONLY TOLD WHAT TO BRING AND WHAT TIME TO GATHER BY. AFTER A LOT OF SCRAMBLING WE MET UP IN TOWN WITH A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE IN HARD HATS CAREFULLY SCANNING SOME MAP LAYOUTS.

“SAY LAURA, I WAS WONDERING… WHAT THE F**K HAVE YOU GOT ME INVOLVED IN HERE?”

TURNS OUT WE WERE TO GO CAVE EXPLORING. THE GUIDE WENT THROUGH A BRIEF EXPLANATION ON HOW TO USE AN ODD LOOKING TOURNIQUET DEVICE DESIGNED TO CUT OFF THE BLOOD SUPPLY TO A LIMB AND HELP EXTEND YOUR LIFE ANOTHER 20 OR 30 MINUTES IN THE CASE OF A SNAKE BITE.

“SAY… COULD YOU REPEAT THAT PART ABOUT, UH… EVERYTHING? IT’S JUST THAT I DON’T REALLY SPEAK JAPANESE SO WELL, AND I’M KIND OF ALLERGIC TO DEADLY POISONS.”

THIS WAS TO BE SOME SERIOUS GOSH DARN CAVING. NOT THE KIND WHERE YOU BUY A TICKET AND FOLLOW A MARKED PATH TO ADMIRE ALL THE WELL LIT WALLS. NO, THIS IS THE KIND OF CAVE WHERE YOU ENTER A DEEP HOLE IN THE GROUND AND CRAWL THROUGH A SERIES OF VARIED TUNNELS BARELY AS WIDE AS YOUR SHOULDERS. THIS IS THE KIND OF CAVE WHERE IF YOU ARE ALONE AND YOUR FLASHLIGHT DIES, YOU DIE TOO. SERIOUSLY.

SO WHAT BETTER WAY TO MAKE THE ADVENTURE EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN BY BRINGING ALONG YOUR SMALL CHILD, RIGHT? WELL, I’VE GOT A BETTER WAY. HOW ABOUT ALSO BRINGING THAT SMALL CHILD’S FRIEND ALONG WITHOUT HIS PARENTS?


BEFORE DESCENDING INTO THE PIT OF DARKNESS, WE PARKED HALF OF OUR CARAVAN OF CARS IN ONE LOCATION, AND THE REST AT ANOTHER SPOT DOWN THE ROAD. WHY…? I DON’T KNOW. I GAVE UP ASKING “WHY” IN JAPAN SOME TIME AGO.



BY THE WAY, I DIDN’T TAKE THESE PICTURES (WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN THE UNUSUAL PRESENCE OF ACTUAL PEOPLE IN THE SHOTS, AS OPPOSED TO MY PREFERRED STYLE OF TAKING CLOSE-UPS OF PROFOUNDLY UNINTERESTING OBJECTS).

NONE OF THESE PHOTOS DO MUCH JUSTICE TO HOW DARK AND TIGHT MOST OF THE CAVE WAS. THEY WERE TAKEN IN THE FEW SPOTS WHERE WE HAD ROOM TO STAND AROUND AND POINT OUR LIGHTS IN THE SAME DIRECTION. THE MAJORITY OF OUR TIME WAS SPENT IN A SINGLE FILE LINE TRUDGING THROUGH WATER UP TO OUR NIPPLES, UNAWARE OF ANYTHING THAT WAS NOT IN DIRECTLY IN THE SPOTLIGHT OF OUR OWN HEADLAMP. SUCH CONDITIONS DON’T FACILITATE THE TAKING OF NICE SNAPSHOTS, THOUGH.


PLEASE NOTE THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND BELOW. I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S EXAMINING THE ROCK FORMATIONS, OR CHECKING OUT LAURA'S SOGGY BOTTOM WITH HIS FLASHLIGHT.


AT ONE BREAK POINT, OUR GUIDE HAD US ALL SHUT OFF OUR LIGHTS. YOU KNOW, FOR KICKS. THAT WAS THE DARKEST DARK THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN, OR RATHER, THAT I HAVE NOT EVER SEEN. COMPLETE AND TOTAL ABSENCE OF ILLUMINATION. THE ONLY HINT THAT MY FINGERS WERE WAVING BACK AND FORTH 2 INCHES FROM MY BLINDED EYEBALLS WAS THE FACT THAT MY BRAIN HAD INSTRUCTED THEM TO DO SO AS A TEST.

THESE CRAMPED, WET, DARK CONDITIONS MADE FOR A FASCINATING EXPERIENCE - BUT IT’S NOT THE KIND OF PLACE YOU’D WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE YOU SUSPECT MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

AND SO IT WAS THAT AT 45 MINUTES INTO OUR DESCENT, I CAME TO REALIZE THAT THE MAN CROUCHING DIRECTLY BEHIND ME MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

HIS BREATHS CAME TOO HARD, TOO HEAVY, AND WAY TOO FAST. HE WAS INCHES AWAY FROM MY PROTRUDING BUTT, AND SEEMED QUITE EAGER TO PUSH PAST IT.

HOOOOOLEEEEEEEE….SH**********************T!!!
IF THIS DUDE FREAKS, WE ARE IN SERIOUS, SERIOUS TROUBLE. IF HE’S UNABLE TO CONTINUE, THOSE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE BEHIND HIM WILL BE EQUALLY UNABLE TO CONTINUE. GOOD LUCK TRYING TO TURN BACK WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE CAVE GUIDE TRAPPED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF YOUR PARALYZED COMPATRIOT. IF OUR MORNING MEETING COVERED WHAT TO DO IN CASE SOMEONE BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK HAS A PANIC ATTACK, MY LANGUAGE SKILLS WEREN’T UP TO THE TASK OF MAKING ANY USE OF SUCH ADVICE. I ASKED IF HE WAS OK. HE GRUNTED. I ASSUMED IT WAS MEANT AS A RESPONSE.



COMING TO A COMFORTABLE SPOT WHERE WE COULD ALMOST STRETCH OUR ELBOWS OUT AND RAISE OUR HEADS TO A HEIGHT OF 4 FEET, OUR GUIDE GAVE US A VERY CAUTIOUS WARNING ABOUT WHAT WAS WAITING FOR US AROUND THE CORNER. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW YOUR LISTENING SKILLS IMPROVE WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. I HAD A CHOICE OF TWO PATHS.

CHOICE 1: CLIMB UP 4 FEET AND OUT THROUGH A CRAGGY OPENING IN THE WALL THAT WAS WIDE ENOUGH TO ACCOMODATE A HUMAN HEAD PLUS ONE SHOULDER. AT THE OTHER SIDE WAS ANOTHER WALL REQUIRING A 90 DEGREE TWIST AS YOU PASSED THROUGH (IF YOU PASSED THROUGH).

CHOICE 2: DROP DOWN INTO A TUNNEL STRETCHING 2 METERS LONG WITH ABOUT 4 INCHES OF BREATHING SPACE BETWEEN THE WATER LEVEL AND THE CEILING. ALMOST ENOUGH ROOM TO KEEP YOUR EYES AND NOSE FROM BEING SUBMERGED IF YOU LOOK STRAIGHT UP AND MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH BY TOUCH.

UM, YEAH… I’LL TAKE CHOICE NUMBER 1, THANKS.

LUCKY FOR ME, BREATHY McBREATHERSON BEHIND ME DID NOT YET HAVE THE SPACE TO MANUEVER IN FRONT OF ME AND POTENTIALLY CUT OFF MY ESCAPE BACK TO THE SURFACE. IN A FEAT OF EXCRUTIANTINGLY SLOW GYMNASTICS THAT I WAS UNAWARE I WAS EVEN CAPABLE OF, I WAS ABLE TO SQUEEZE MY FRONT HALF THROUGH THE HOLE, TWIST MYSELF INTO A PRETZEL SHAPE, AND EVENTUALLY PUSH MY LEGS BACK BENEATH ME AGAIN FOR A SAFE LANDING.

AFTER ABOUT ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF WALKING LIKE DUCKS, WE MANAGED TO MAKE IT TOWARDS THE END OF OUR UNDERGROUND TREK. THERE WERE ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE ROCKS FORMATIONS ALONG THE WAY, EACH REPRESENTING A TREMENDOUS EFFORT BY THE FORCES OF GRAVITY AND MOISTURE TO SCULPT SOMETHING PARTICULARLY WEIRD AND FUNKY LOOKING. EVERY TIME WE BUMPED OUR HARD HATS ON A SHARP STALACTITE (WHICH HAPPENED ABOUT ONCE EVERY 5 MINUTES), THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF HISTORY DROPPED TO THE GROUND IN THE FORM OF A CHIPPED PEBBLE OR TWO.



I FOUND QUITE A SURPRISE OFF IN ONE OF THE COUNTLESS DARK LITTLE CORNERS. WE WERE NOT YET NEAR ANY POTENTIAL SOURCE OF LIGHT WHATSOEVER, BUT HERE WAS THIS BRAVE LITTLE SPROUT RAISING ITSELF FROM THE GROUND AND SHAKING ITS FISTS DEFIANTLY AT GOD AND HIS FEEBLE LAWS OF NATURE. Ahhh, A PLANT AFTER MY OWN HEART.


AFTER CLIMBING A ROPE OUT OF THIS HOLE NATURE HADN’T QUITE INTENDED US TO CLIMB INTO IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE MADE OUR WAY OUT OF THE SNAKE INFESTED WOODS AND BACK TO OUR TWO SEPARATE PARKING AREAS. EVERYONE BEGAN STRIPPING NAKED OUT OF THEIR WET CLOTHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS DIRT ROAD. AHA - THUS, THE REASON FOR THE SEPARATE PARKING AREAS. ONE FOR NEKKID DUDES. ONE FOR NEKKID CHICKS. ANYONE DRIVING BY WOULD GET A FULL SHOW OF US IN ALL OUR SHAME/GLORY… BUT AT LEAST WE WOULDN’T SEE EACH OTHER. ON THE SCALE OF WELL THOUGHT OUT PLANS, I GIVE THIS ONE A B- (WHICH IS QUITE A BIT HIGHER THAN I TEND TO GRADE MOST OF THE BEHAVIOR I ENCOUNTER THESE DAYS).


DESPITE BEING BACK OUT IN THE OPEN, THAT EDGY FELLOW WHO HAD MY PULSE RAISED A FEW NOTCHES HIGHER FOR THE LATTER HALF OF OUR EXCERSION WAS STILL DRAWING BREATHS AS IF THE WORLD WAS CLOSING IN ON HIM. HE CONTINUED TO SHRUG OFF ANY CONCERN SHOWN TO HIM, THOUGH. MAYBE IT WAS A BAD MIX OF DUSTY CAVE AIR AND ASTHMA. OR MAYBE HE’S JUST A REAL CREEPY SON-OF-A-MOTHER. I’M GUESSING BOTH.


HERE WE ARE POSING FOR OUR GROUP SHOT BEFORE PARTING WAYS. AS THERE WERE ONLY 3 PEOPLE UNACCOUNTED FOR, THE REMAINING 16 OF US TO MAKE IT OUT OF THE CAVE ALIVE REGARDED THE DAY AS A SUCCESS. IT WAS CERTAINLY A BIRTHDAY-AND-A-HALF THAT I SHANT FORGET ANYTIME SOON.

HAPPA BAPPADAY

I WOKE UP A FEW WEEKS AGO ONE YEAR OLDER THAN I WAS THE DAY BEFORE. I DON'T CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY ANYMORE. INSTEAD, I CELEBRATE THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY 29th BIRTHDAY. IT'S A DIFFICULT THING TO EXPLAIN IN JAPANESE.

MY FRIEND LAURA INVITED ME TO A FARMER'S FAIR WHERE SHE WAS SERVING GOAT SOUP. A CHANCE TO TASTE GOAT IN LIQUID FORM, YOU SAY? IT'LL BE A COLD DAY IN MY HUMID ISLAND BEFORE I PASS UP AN INVITATION THAT GOOD!

AT THE FAIRGROUND, MY FRIEND WAS WALKING HAND IN HAND WITH A LITTLE 6 YEAR OLD CUTIE NAMED ASUKA. IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE ASUKA GRABBED MY HAND AND BEGAN PULLING ME HERE AND THERE AS WELL. I WOULD INFORM ANYONE WHO LOOKED AT OUR ODD TRIO STRANGELY THAT SHE WAS OUR DAUGHTER. THIS WAS MET WITH POLITE NODS.


LAURA'S MAIN SQUEEZE YOSHIRO WAS UP FOR THE ANNUAL UDON (NOODLE) EATING CONTEST. LAST YEAR HE CAME IN 2nd TO A SIZABLE YOUNG LADY WHO INHALES FOOD, AS OPPOSED TO EATING IT. THIS YEAR, HOWEVER, HE CRUSHED ALL WHO OPPOSED HIM. 15 SMALL BOWLS IN 3 MINUTES. I WAS AS AMAZED AS I WAS APPALLED.

AFTERWARDS, I WENT OFF ON MY OWN TO A SPECIAL SPOT CALLED INOJOUFUTA. IT'S AN UNEARTHLY COASTLINE COMPRISED OF KNIFE-EDGE ROCKS AND DEAD CORAL OUTCROPS. TRULY A THING TO SEE (YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T SEE YET - THE PHOTOS AIN'T READY).




THAT NIGHT I WENT TO AN IZAKAYA TO MEET A FEW FRIENDS AND COWORKERS FOR FOOD UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT IT WAS IN HONOR OF MY CONTINUING AGING PROCESS. THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT JAPANESE CULTURE IS THAT THEY ALL FELT OBLIGATED TO BRING A GIFT. THE AWFUL FLIPSIDE TO JAPANESE CULTURE IS THAT I WILL NOW HAVE TO DO THE SAME FOR THEIR BIRTHDAYS.





AFTER 3 HOURS OF EATING, DRINKING, AND TALKING NONSENSE, MANY OF THE REMAINING PARTY-GOERS INSISTED ON CONTINUING THE DRINKING AND NONSENSE TALKING PORTION OF THE CELEBRATION AT A LOCAL SNACK BAR (CHECK BACK A FEW POSTS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT A SNACK BAR IS, AND WHY I WAS LESS THAN THRILLED BY THIS PROPOSITION).

SO... MY FIRST STEP INTO THE BAR OF SNACKS, REPLETE WITH TREPIDATION. WE WERE SEATED IN THE CORNER AND PROVIDED WITH TWO FEMALE CONVERSATION PARTNERS - A MODERNIZED AND PROFOUNDLY LESS ROMANTICIZED INCARNATION OF THE ANCIENT GEISHA GIRL. THE WHITE FACES AND ELABORATE KIMINOS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY MASCARA AND PROM DRESSES FAR TOO SHORT TO SIT PROPERLY IN. THE GIRL TO MY RIGHT SEEMED NICE ENOUGH. IT WAS HER FIRST WEEK ON THE JOB. SHE CAME TO THE ISLAND FOR THE SURFING, AND THIS WORK IS CLOSE TO THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY AVAILABLE TO YOUNG FEMALES MOVING HERE. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TRAINING SHE COULD HAVE HAD IN THE VAUNTED "ART OF CONVERSATION" YET, BUT SHE SEEMED TO HAVE NO TROUBLE WITH MY POOR GRAMMAR, AND SHE WAS CAREFUL TO DUMB DOWN HER VOCABULARY TO MY LEVEL - SO SHE GETS MY STAMP OF APPROVAL. IT WAS AN ODD VIBE TO KNOW SHE WAS BEING PAID TO CHAT WITH ME, SO I DISCARDED ANY PRETENSE THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY FLIRTING, AND HAD A FRANK CHAT ABOUT HOW SHE FELT ABOUT WORKING THERE. HER RESPONSES SEEMED SURPRISINGLY HONEST. I WISH HER THE BEST, AND HOPE TO NEVER SPEAK TO HER UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES AGAIN.

AFTER THE ENTIRE BAR SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, IT WAS CLOSING TIME. EVERYONE STUMBLED OUT, AND ON THE WAY HOME I MET A NUMBER OF HOMEBOUND ASSOCIATES AND COWORKERS DOING THEIR OWN RESPECTIVE STUMBLING. I ALSO CAME ACROSS TWO TRUCKS PARKED IN AN ODDLY SUGGESTIVE MANNER. WHY AM I SUDDENLY REMINDED OF THAT MOVIE "REQUIEM FOR A DREAM"?


HAVING SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED THE 30 MINUTE 2am STROLL HOME WITHOUT BEING HIT BY ANY DRUNK DRIVERS, I'D HAVE TO LABEL THIS AS ONE OF THE MORE SPECIAL BIRTHDAYS I'VE HAD IN QUITE A WHILE.

NO, NOT BIRTHDAY. IT WAS ONE OF THE MORE SPECIAL ANNIVERSARIES OF MY 29TH BIRTHDAY THAT I'VE HAD IN A WHILE. THANKS, EVERYONE.

AN ODE TO HUMIDITY

THE HUMIDITY HERE IS AN OBSCENITY
IT IS A SACRILEGE
THE SUN IS A MONSTROUSITY FILLED WITH HATE
THE AIR IS AN ABOMINATION
PURE SALTY FILTH IN GASEOUS FORM
IT RUINS THE SKIN, TEARS AT THE LUNGS, AND CRUSHES THE MIND
IT BLEEDS THE SOUL DRY THROUGH EVERY PORE ON YOUR BODY

IT IS SO HUMID HERE, MY ARM HAIRS LOOK LIKE I’VE HAD THEM PERMED AT THE SALON. MY FACE IS A CONSTANT SHEEN OF GREASE AND SALT. RIVERS OF FILTHY PERSPIRATION FLOW OFF OF ME FROM PARTS OF MY BODY I WAS PREVIOUSLY UNAWARE COULD PRODUCE MOISTURE .

“BUT JIM,” YOU SAY, “YOU LIVE ON AN ISLAND. ISN’T THERE AT LEAST SOMETHING OF AN OCEAN BREEZE TO ENJOY?” I REPLY, “YES, THERE IS… AND IT IS AS REFRESHING AS A HAIR DRYER TO THE FACE.”

TEACHING CLASS IS A BATTLE OF ENDURANCE, TESTING MY BODY’S ABILITY TO MAINTAIN ENOUGH INTERNAL HYDRATION TO STAY ALIVE FOR THE NEXT HOUR. I DON’T SIMPLY SWEAT. I SPRAY SALT WATER FROM THE ENTIRETY OF MY EPIDERMUS. BEFORE EACH CLASS, I SET UP THE SAME SIGN THEY USE AT SEA WORLD ATTRACTIONS. “IF YOU ARE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROWS, YOU WILL GET WET!” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SWEATY DANCE ROUTINES FROM THE MOVIE “FLASHDANCE”? I UNINTENTIONALLY RE-ENACT THOSE SCENES ON A DAILY BASIS. A SLIGHT TWIST OF MY HEAD SENDS A FOUNTAIN OF WATER DROPLETS SHIMMERING THROUGH THE AIR. I LIVE… THEREFORE I SWEAT.

I DON’T MUCH CARE FOR THE HUMIDITY HERE.

TANJOUBI OMEDETOU TO ME!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! BOO!

BUT TODAY I SAW A SHARK WHILE WATCHING THE SUNSET OVER THE OCEAN. YAY!

HOW TO TURN YOUR LIFE UPSIDE-DOWN. STEP 1:

I STEP OFF THE PLANE, AND STEP INTO JAPAN. TURNING BACK IS AN OPTION NO LONGER AVAILABLE TO ME. MY YEAR LONG OBLIGATION TO LIVE IN THIS FOREIGN LAND HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.


WE ARE BUSED TO AN ENORMOUS HOTEL IN THE CENTER OF TOKYO FOR A WEEK’S WORTH OF ORIENTATION. I’M TO SHARE A ROOM WITH TWO OTHER STRANGERS. HOTEL ROOMS IN JAPAN ARE SMALL AND TIGHT. HOTEL ROOMS IN JAPAN SHARED BY THREE DUDES ARE ESPECIALLY SMALL AND TIGHT. THESE KIDS SEEMED NICE ENOUGH AT FIRST, BUT ONE OF THEM TURNED OUT TO BE LESS THAN AN IDEAL ROOMIE. HE SLEPT NO MORE THAN A FOOT AWAY FROM ME – AND AT VARYING POINTS IN OUR JET-LAGGED SLUMBERS THE MOST CURIOUS OF NOISES CAME FROM THAT BED OF HIS. RUSTLING AND SCRATCHING NOISES. UNUSUALLY ENTHUSIASTIC SCRATCHING. THESE SCRATCHING EFFORTS LASTED FOR A GOOD FOUR MINUTES AT A TIME, AND INCLUDED QUITE A BIT OF MOANING.

NOTHING ADDS TO THE DIFFICULTIES OF A RESTLESS NIGHT QUITE LIKE SUSPECTING THAT A MAN A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM YOU IS, UH… TAKING MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.

THE ODD THING IS, HE WAS STILL BREATHING LIKE A HIBERNATING BEAR. I’M ALMOST CERTAIN HE WAS ASLEEP. I COULDN’T QUITE FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND TRIED MY BEST TO NOT FIGURE IT OUT – EVEN WHEN THIS AWFUL BEHAVIOR CONTINUED EACH FOLLOWING NIGHT.


ON OUR LAST MORNING IN THE HOTEL, I WAS ALONE WITH MY NON-MOANING ROOMIE. WHILE PACKING, HE SHEEPISHLY ASKED, “Errr… DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING… WEIRD… LAST NIGHT?”

“YES! YES, I DID! MAN, I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. I FIGURED YOU MIGHT THINK IT WAS ME.”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK HE’S DOING?”

“I’VE GOT NO IDEA, BUT IF IT TURNS OUT HE SIMPLY HAS AN REEEALLY ITCHY RASH ON THE INSIDE OF HIS LEG, I’LL FEEL A LOT BETTER ABOUT THIS PAST WEEK.”

AFTER BREAKFAST, I SAID MY GOODBYES TO DOZENS OF NEW FRIENDS. WE EXCHANGED CONTACT INFO AS A POLITE GESTURE, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT HUMAN NATURE DICTATES NONE OF US WILL MAKE ANY EFFORT TO CONTACT THE OTHER PERSON EVER AGAIN (UNLESS WE CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE TO PROFIT FROM THE INTERACTION).


THOSE OF US TO BE SHIPPED TO THE ASS END OF THE COUNTRY (KAGOSHIMA) WERE PUT ON AN AIRPORT BUS AND TAUGHT HOW TO PROPERLY GREET OUR NEW COWORKERS WITHOUT OFFENDING THEM. IT WASN’T LONG BEFORE WE STEPPED OFF THE PLANE AND INTO THE THRONGS OF TEACHERS AND STUDENTS PATIENTLY WAITING TO WELCOME THEIR NEWLY HIRED ENGLISH EXPERTS. INTRICATELY DECORATED BANNERS AND BALLOONS WERE HELD ALOFT TO LET US KNOW WHICH GROUP OF EXCITED JAPANESE SCHOOL CHILDREN WE WOULD HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BEING ESCORTED HOME BY. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED WAS A SMILING FACE CALLING OUT OUR NAMES. WELL, EVERY NAME BUT MINE, THAT IS.

“OH, THAT’S RIGHT… YOU’RE THE ISLAND DUDE, AREN’T YOU?” SOMEONE SAID, ALMOST APOLOGETICALLY.

AS MY FELLOW WESTERNERS JOINED THEIR NEW FAMILIES, AND THE CHEERFUL CROWD SLOWLY DISPERSED, I WAS HANDED 2 NEW PLANE TICKETS (YEAH, THERE WERE STILL 2 MORE FLIGHTS TO GO) AND WAS ASKED IF I CAN FIGURE OUT MY WAY TO TOKUNOSHIMA ON MY OWN. I TOOK A SEAT IN THE EMPTY WAITING ROOM, AND TRIED TO KEEP MYSELF FROM WONDERING, “WHAT THE F**K AM I DOING HERE?” WITH MODERATE SUCCESS.


THE STEWARDESS ON MY NEXT (TINY) PLANE GAVE HER WELCOME SPEECH IN JAPANESE, AND THEN READ IT AGAIN OFF A PIECE OF PAPER IN ENGLISH. CONSIDERING THAT LITERALLY 0.00011% OF THE ISLAND INHABITANTS (INCLUDING ME) ARE NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS, I WAS FLATTERED BY THE EFFORT. AS THE AIRCRAFT CREPT CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EQUATOR, I NOTED HOW THE SUNSHINE COMING IN THROUGH THE AIRPLANE WINDOW BEGAN TO HURT. REALLY, REALLY HURT.

MY FIRST STEP ONTO THE SOIL OF MY NEW ISLAND HOME GREETS ME WITH A SMACK OF HUMIDITY SO INTENSE THAT IT NEARLY KNOCKED ME BACK INTO THE AIRCRAFT. MY LUNGS RETRACTED IN HORROR AT THIS NEW FORM OF “AIR” THAT THEY NOW HAD TO CONTEND WITH. THE SECOND THING MY SENSES PICKED UP ON WAS THE OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD VOICE OF A CHILD SCREAMING SOME INSANELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE GREETING TO SOMEONE FROM THE ROOF OF THE AIRPORT (IF IT CAN BE CALLED AN “AIRPORT”. PERHAPS “AIR-HOUSE” MIGHT BE MORE APPROPRIATE, SINCE “AIR-SHACK” MY SOUND A BIT RUDE).

INSIDE THE AIR-HOUSE, I AM MET BY A WOMAN ASKING ME TO WAIT A MOMENT FOR HER HUSBAND. MOMENTS LATER HE DESCENDS THE STAIRS WITH THE ROOFTOP GIRL IN HIS ARMS – OR AS I LIKE TO THINK OF HER, A THREE FOOT TALL SET OF VOCAL CHORDS IN THE SHAPE OF A FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD. APPARENTLY HER EAR SHREDDING VOCALIZATIONS AIMED AT THE RUNWAY WERE MEANT AS A GREETING FOR ME. HER NAME IS HARUKA, AND SHE IS THE MOST SPECIAL PERSON ON THIS ISLAND. (MORE ON HER AT ANOTHER TIME)


EVERY ALT (ASSISTANT LANGUAGE TEACHER) IS ASSIGNED AN ADVISOR TO HELP HIM/HER ADJUST TO LIFE IN JAPAN. THEY TAKE CARE OF ALL OUR PAPERWORK, HELP WITH PAYING BILLS, AND SHOW US ALTs HOW TO DO OUR WORK PROPERLY (SINCE ALL OF THE ABOVE IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE FOR A NON-NATIVE TO UNDERSTAND). THE ADVISOR ENABLES SURVIVAL. UNFORTUNATELY, MY ADVISOR IS NOT CAPABLE OF ENABLING MY SURVIVAL. THIS IS BECAUSE MY ISLAND IS SO REMOTE, THE PERSON ASSIGNED TO HELP ME THROUGH MY DAY-TO-DAY BIZNESS DOES NOT EVEN LIVE HERE. IT’S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD, EXCEPT THAT IT’S NOT AT ALL FUNNY.

ANYWAY, THE MAN CARRYING HARUKA IS AN ENGLISH TEACHER AT ONE OF MY (22!!!) SCHOOLS. HE’S BEEN ASSIGNED THE UNENVIABLE TASK OF TAKING ME UNDER HIS WING AS BEST HE CAN, SINCE MY ADVISOR CAN NOT. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE VICE-PRINCIPAL OF MY SCHOOL, WHO IMMEDIATELY INFORMS ME THAT I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE DAVID BECKHAM. THIS UNEXPECTED APPRAISAL QUALIFIES HIM FOR A SPOT ON MY LIST OF “COOL PEOPLE I KNOW”, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS FACILITIES ARE SO CLEARLY IMPAIRED.

FOR MY FIRST TASTE OF THIS NEW ISLAND LIFE, WE STOP AT A ROADSIDE VEGETABLE SHACK SO THAT THEIR NEW VEGETARIAN WILL BE ABLE TO EAT TONIGHT. THE CASH REGISTER IS A WOODEN BOX AND A BROKEN CALCULATOR MANNED BY A SWEET OLD GRANDMOTHER. THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF VEGETABLES TO CHOOSE FROM, NONE OF WHICH I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE. MOMENTS LATER, THE BLUE SKIES SPLIT OPEN. THE TORRENTIAL RAINS, MUCH LIKE THE TEARS OF A GIRLFRIEND, ARE AS LOUD AS THEY ARE UNEXPECTED. IN ABOUT THREE MINUTES, THE SKY IS BLUE AGAIN, AND ENORMOUS COLUMNS OF WHITE CLOUDS BLOSSOM VERTICALLY INTO THE SKY.

I’M TAKEN TO MY NEW HOME. THE GAS IS TURNED ON, THE WATER IS CHECKED, AND I AM LEFT ALONE (WITH MY THREE VEGETABLES) TO SPEND THE NIGHT CONTEMPLATING THIS UNIQUE NEW TURN MY LIFE HAS TAKEN. MY JET LAG PROMISES IT WILL BE A LONG NIGHT.

STORY OF MY LIFE

I’M NO CITY BOY, BUT LIVING NEXT TO MANHATTAN CERTAINLY HAD ITS PERKS. OPTIONS ABOUND. WITH MINIMAL TRAVELLING EFFORT, I COULD SEE UNUSUAL FILMS, EAT EXOTIC FOODS, AND STEP INTO THE JAPANESE FOREIGN EMBASSY FOR A LOVELY AFTERNOON OF INTERROGATIONS REGARDING MY QUALIFICATIONS FOR OVERSEAS EMPLOYMENT. THE EMPLOYMENT IN QUESTION IS MY CURRENT ENGLISH TEACHING POSITION HERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.

THE JET PROGRAM HIRES HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF NEW YOUNG AMERICAN HOPEFULS TO SEND ACROSS THE PACIFIC, BUT LIKE THE ANNUAL MIGRATION OF BAR-TAILED GODWIT FLOCKS FROM ALASKA TO NEW ZEALAND, THE PROCESS ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR (AS WE ALL KNOW). THAT’S TOO MANY FAT AMERICAN ASSES TO FIT ON A PLANE AT ONCE, SO HALF OF THE STATES LEAVE ON THE LAST WEEKEND OF JULY (GROUP A), AND THE REST FOLLOW ON THE FIRST WEEKEND OF AUGUST (GROUP B). NEW YORK IS IN GROUP A. IF YOU INTERVIEW SUCCESSFULLY WITH GROUP A, YOU LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITH GROUP A. NO CHANGING DATES. NO CHANGING LOCATIONS. NO IFs, ANDs, or BUTs.

PROBLEM. OF ALL THE 365 DAYS THAT THE 12 MONTHS OF THE YEAR HAVE TO OFFER, THE DEPARTURE DATE FOR GROUP A JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SAME DAY AS A PREVIOUS (AND SECRET) PRIOR ENGAGEMENT THAT I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE ABSENT FROM. MY LIFE IS A CALENDAR’S WORTH OF SUPREMELY UNIMPORTANT DAYS, EACH USELESS MOMENT MOCKING ME AS THEY BUFFER THAT ONE PARTICULARLY CRUCIAL DATE. WHAT OUTRAGEOUSLY POOR TIMING! I BELIEVE 15th CENTURY SCHOLAR AND PHILOSOPHER NICHOLAS OF CUSA PUT IT BEST IN HIS SUMMARY ON THE PRINCIPLE OF COINCIDENCE WHEN HE ASKED, “CAN YOU FUCKIN’ BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!?”

AFTER NUMEROUS EMAILS AND PHONE CALLS PLEADING MY CASE TO THE JAPANESE BIGWIGS IN WASHINGTON, I WAS INFORMED THAT MY ONLY OPTION WOULD BE TO INTERVIEW WITH (AND THUS LEAVE WITH) BOSTON’S GROUP B. I WAS ALSO INFORMED THAT THIS WAS A CONCESSION THEY REALLY WEREN’T CRAZY ABOUT MAKING FOR ME… JUST IN CASE I WAS WONDERING.

AND SO IT WAS THAT I WOULD DRIVE 4 HOURS NORTH TO THE HOME OF THE RED SOX, SPEND 15 MINUTES IN THE INTERVIEW HOT SEAT, AND THEN DRIVE BACK ANOTHER 4 HOURS SOUTH TO THE HOME OF THE YANKEES – ALL BEFORE THE SUN HAD SET. FUN.

AUGUST ARRIVES. DESPITE HAVING THE EXTRA WEEK IN AMERICA THAT I WAS AFFORDED BY BEING PART OF GROUP B, MY PENULTIMATE NIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES WOULD BE SPENT WITHOUT SLEEP AS I DESPERATELY SCRAMBLED TO ORGANIZE AND SIGN OFF ON EVERY ASPECT PERTAINING TO MY PREVIOUS LIFE BEFORE LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND (“PENULTIMATE” MEANS SECOND TO LAST, BY THE WAY. IMPRESSED?). I CAN SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY SUCH A MARATHON OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NOT HOW YOU WANT TO PREPARE FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL JET-LAG INDUCING FLIGHTS.

SO AFTER ANOTHER 4 HOUR TRIP TO BOSTON, I BOARD MY PLANE AND DISCOVER THAT GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. WE ARE FLYING BACK TO NEW YORK.

THE PLANE THAT IS ACTUALLY CROSSING THE OCEAN TO JAPAN IS WAITING FOR US ON A RUNWAY A MERE 30 MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. YES, THE BOSTON FLIGHT, WHICH I WAS NOT TO MISS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WAS FLYING ME BACK TO THE HOME I HAD JUST LEFT. AN INTERESTING TONE FOR MY NEW LIFE HAS NOW BEEN SET, AND IT IS CHOCK FULL OF IRONIC GOODNESS.

BUT WAIT. I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU THE PUNCHLINE YET. REMEMBER THAT UNRESOLVABLE SCHEDULE CONFLICT THAT SENT THIS WHOLE SERIES OF SILLY EVENTS INTO MOTION?

It was cancelled.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOGCAST…

EWW! THAT TITLE MAKES ME CRINGE. BUT I GUESS IT’S APPROPRIATE SINCE I MUST INTERRUPT MY TALES OF VACATIONING IN JAPAN. WHY? BECAUSE I’M NOW LIVING IN JAPAN.

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT WOULD MAKE A PERSON QUIT HIS JOB, LEAVE HIS HOME, AND SAY GOODBYE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GO LIVE IN A COUNTRY PLAGUED BY NATURAL DISASTERS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE GLOBE. EVERYONE IS A STRANGER, THE LANGUAGE IS AN ENIGMA, AND THE LIMITED EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES ENTAIL A GREAT DEAL OF GUT WRENCHING PUBLIC SPEAKING DUTIES. SO WHY? WELL, TO BE HONEST… I REALLY LIKE WHITE RICE.

I AM NOW A MEMBER OF THE INTERNATIONAL J.E.T. PROGRAM. I HAVE BEEN HIRED (ALONG WITH APPROXIMATELY 2,000 OTHER NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS THIS YEAR) TO HELP SPREAD GOODWILL AND PROPER GRAMMAR TO THE INHABITANTS OF JAPAN. I AM AN EMPLOYEE OF MY LOCAL JAPANESE GOVERNMENT. I HAVE BEEN HIRED TO ASSIST ENGLISH TEACHERS VIA (1) SPEAKING IN MY BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK ACCENT, (2) SHARING MY COMPLETE MASTERY OF ALL THINGS GRAMMATICAL, AND (3) ALLOWING THEM TO GAZE UPON MY WILDLY EXOTIC CAUCASIAN FACIAL FEATURES. HAVING TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS, AND HELPING THEM IN THEIR EFFORTS TO BETTER THEMSELVES IS THE LAST THING I THOUGHT I’D EVER CARE TO DO FOR A LIVING – BUT IT’S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET INTO THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN… SO HERE I AM.

DURING THE (GRUELING) APPLICATION PROCESS WE WERE OFFERED A CHANCE TO REQUEST THREE LOCALES IN JAPAN WHERE WE’D MOST LIKE TO BE PLACED. ON PREVIOUS TRIPS HERE, I’VE TRULY ENJOYED EVERYWHERE I’VE BEEN, SO I SAID “ANYWHERE” IS FINE. WELL… THEY TOOK THAT AND RAN WITH IT, BECAUSE I HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN PLACED “ANYWHERE”. OR AS MY JAPANESE FRIENDS HAVE ASKED, "UM... WHERE?!?” (MORE ON THAT IN A MOMENT) THERE’S NO POINT IN BEMOANING MY NOT REQUESTING WHERE TO BE PLACED, THOUGH. OF THE HUNDRED OR SO J.E.T. APPLICANTS I’VE MET WHO ACTUALLY ASKED FOR A SPECIFIC LOCATION, PERHAPS ONLY TWO OF THEM WERE NOT SENT HUNDREDS OF KILOMETERS FROM THEIR DESIRED HOME (YES, I SAID KILOMETERS. JAPAN DOESN’T USE MILES, SO I GUESS I DON’T EITHER, ANYMORE).

A LITTLE INFO ABOUT JAPAN. JAPAN IS HOT. HOT AND HUMID. ENDURING JAPANESE SUMMER IS LIKE ENDURING THE MOVIE “SHOWGIRLS.” EVERYONE FEELS SWEATY, EMPTY AND DISGUSTED AFTERWARDS. MYSELF? I’M A WINTER ENTHUSIAST. I’LL HAPPILY WALK OUT INTO A SNOWSTORM IN SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT - BUT THEN RUN BACK INTO THE HOUSE REALIZING THAT I FOOLISHLY FORGOT MY SPF 70 SUNBLOCK FOR THE CRUEL WINTER SUN.

SO, I WAS OFFERED THE JOB, BUT HAD TO SIGN AWAY A YEAR OF MY LIFE WELL BEFORE I’D ACTUALLY BE TOLD WHERE MY PLACEMENT WAS. AS YOU CAN GUESS, I WAS HOPING TO GO SOMEPLACE SOMEWHAT NORTHERLY IN JAPAN TO MINIMIZE MY EXPOSURE TO THE INEVITABLE MISERY THAT IS PACIFIC OCEAN SUMMERTIME. NORTHERLY WOULD BE NICE.

I WAS INFORMED THAT I WOULD BE LIVING IN KAGOSHIMA.

WELL… KAGOSHIMA IS NOT NORTHERLY. IF YOU LOOK AT A MAP OF JAPAN, RUN YOUR FINGER ALONG ITS LENGTH AND CONTINUE AS FAR SOUTH AS YOU CAN GO. AT THE ASS END OF THE COUNTRY, YOU WILL FIND KAGOSHIMA. THE TEMPERATURE THERE MAKES THE SWELTERING POLLUTED AIR OF TOKYO SEEM UNBELIEVABLY COOL AND REFRESHING BY COMPARISON. TO SAY I WAS STRUCK WITH SEVERE SECOND THOUGHTS WOULD NOT BE AN UNTRUTH.

KAGOSHIMA IS AS FAR FROM EVERYTHING ELSE IN JAPAN AS YOU CAN GET. IT IS FAMOUS FOR MOUNT SAKURAJIMA, AN ACTIVE (VERY ACTIVE) VOLCANO THAT SITS NEXT TO THE CITY. ASH FALLS TO THE STREETS ON A WEEKLY BASIS. WHAT IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS HAD I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

AFTER ABOUT THREE WEEKS OF CONTEMPLATION, INTROSPECTION, AND DESPERATION, I FOUND MYSELF AT PEACE WITH WHAT WAS TO BE MY NEW HOME. IT WAS AT THIS TIME I WAS GIVEN THE EXACT ADDRESS I WOULD INHABIT. TOKUNOSHIMA. THE, UM… ISLAND OF TOKUNOSHIMA. THE TINY ISLAND OF TOKUNOSHIMA. NOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW FAR SOUTH I THOUGHT I WAS GOING, TRACE YOUR FINGER STRAIGHT DOWN ON THE MAP SEVERAL HUNDRED MORE KILOMETERS. IT IS SOOO FAR SOUTH, IT IS NOT INCLUDED ON MOST MAPS OF JAPAN.

(…CONCERN)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, TOKUNOSHIMA DOESN’T HAVE ANY OF KAGOSHIMA’S VOLCANOES TO WORRY ABOUT. HOWEVER, I WAS TRADING IN THAT CONCERN FOR A BATCH OF NEW ONES. FOR EXAMPLE…

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS A POPULATION THAT SPEAKS “HOUGEN”, A DISTINCT LANGUAGE WHICH IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO OTHER JAPANESE PEOPLE (AND THUS, EVEN MORE SO TO MYSELF).

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS VERY FEW FRESH FRUITS OR VEGETABLES FOR A VEGETARIAN (LIKE MYSELF) TO SURVIVE ON.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS FEW CONVENIENT WAYS TO REACH ITS SHORES, AND THEY ARE ALL PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS TYPHOONS, AS IT IS SITTING DEAD CENTER IN THE PATH OF PREDICTABLY CATASTROPHIC WEATHER PATTERNS.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS A POPULATION OF VIPERS CALLED HABU THAT OUTNUMBER THE POPULATION OF PEOPLE. IF YOU CAN’T REACH THE HOSPITAL WITHIN AN HOUR OF BEING BITTEN BY A HABU, THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE REACHES A CONCLUSION.

(…FEAR)

AND TOKUNOSHIMA HAS HEAT! SUCH HEAT! THIS ISLAND SHOULD REQUIRE SCHOLARS TO TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT THE DICTIONARY, FOR THE CURRENT DEFINITION OF “HUMID” FALLS FAR SHORT OF PROPERLY ENCAPSULATING THE INDESCRIBABLE CONDITIONS THAT AWAIT YOU HERE. EXPERIENCING TOKUNOSHIMA HUMIDITY IS KNOWN TO BE A PRACTICE IN OUTRAGEOUS PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT.

(…PANIC! SHEER AND UNADULTERATED PANIC!)


SO… WERE MY FEARS UNFOUNDED? KEEP READING AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. I’VE GOT 2 MONTHS UNDER MY BELT NOW, AND EVERY DAY HAS PRESENTED ME WITH A WIDE ASSORTMENT OF CHALLENGES, EMBARRASSMENTS, BEFUDDLEMENTS, MISERIES, TRIUMPHS, AND JOYS SUCH AS I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. SINCE YOU AND I ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, I’LL TAKE SOME TIME TO SHARE SOME OF THE MORE NOTEWORTHY MOMENTS WITH YOU. HOPE YOU ENJOY.

STILL ALIVE... MOSTLY

BIG THINGS COMING SOON (AS SOON AS I GET AN INTERNET CONNECTION IN MY NEW HOME). STAY TUNED.

JAPAN DAY 8 (PT.2): NIHON DAIRA

YEP, THAT'S MOUNT FUJI IN THE BACKGROUND. WE LUCKED OUT WITH A CLEAR VIEW FROM THE GROUNDS OF NIHON-DAIRA ("DAIRA, NOT "DIARRHEA"). I HIGHLY RECOMMEND SPENDING AN AFTERNOON THERE WITH A CAMERA (OR A PAINTBRUSH, IF YOU ROLL OLD-SCHOOL LIKE THAT).








TODAY I DISLIKE: TOO MUCH TIME BETWEEN POSTS
TODAY I LIKE: MOUNTAIN-TOP VIEWS