JAPAN DAY 5 (PT.1): CROSSWALK OF LIFE

TODAY I DISLIKE: WAKING WELL BEFORE SUNRISE
TODAY I LIKE: WANDERING ALONE WITH MY CAMERA

JAPAN DAY 4 (PT.3): THE DAY THE POLITE JAPANESE STEREOTYPE DIED

IT'S ELECTION SEASON HERE IN JAPAN. I'M WALKING AROUND KAMAKURA WITH MY 2 LADY COMPANIONS, WHEN I SPOT A WALL PLASTERED WITH THE FACES OF VARIOUS POLITICAL HOPEFULS. ALL HEADSHOTS, ALL LOOKING APPROPRIATELY DIGNIFIED AND STOIC... EXCEPT FOR THIS MADMAN BELOW. I WAS SO ENAMORED WITH HIS CRAZED LOOK OF BEING SIMULTANEOUSLY DRUNK WITH POWER, YET DESPERATELY FEARFUL... I JUST HAD TO TAKE A PHOTO. LOOKING AT THE PIC NOW, I'M NOT SURE IF THE DROPLETS RUNNING DOWN THE FACE OF MY MACHIAVELLIAN FRIEND WERE SIMPLY REMNANTS OF A RAIN SHOWER, OR IF HE WAS TRULY PERSPIRING RIGHT THROUGH THE SURFACE OF THE POSTER. MY GUESS? I SAY HE'S SWEATIN' BALLS!


I WAS PRETTY PLEASED WITH MYSELF (TURNED OUT TO BE 1 OF MY 3 FAVORITES PHOTOS FROM THE TRIP... OR AT IN LEAST THE TOP 5). MY WALKING PARTNERS, HOWEVER, WERE A BIT BEFUDDLED. THUS WAS I GIVEN THE SECOND OF THREE NAMES KEIKO WOULD BESTOW UPON ME THIS DAY...

NAME #2: "HEN NA GAIJIN" (WEIRD FOREIGNER)

WE ARRIVED AT KOTOKUIN TEMPLE, RESTING PLACE OF THE 13 METER HIGH BRONZED INCARNATION OF AMIDA BUDDHA. NOTE THE HINGED OPENINGS ON HIS BACK. MAIKO SAID THEY ARE WINDOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO CLIMB THE INSIDE OF THE STATUE - BUT I'M CONVINCED THAT'S WHERE HIS ROBOT WINGS SPROUT FROM WHEN HE IS CALLED UPON TO PROTECT JAPAN FROM GODZILLA, AND OTHER SUCH ORNERY RUBBER-SUITED BEASTS.





ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE TRAIN STATION, WE STOPPED AT A KOREAN TEA HOUSE FOR A SNACK. THE ONLY OTHER PATRONS WERE A TABLE FULL OF TEXANS. I ONLY MENTION THAT CUZ... WHO ELSE CAN SAY THEY FOUND A TABLE FULL OF TEXANS AT A KOREAN TEA HOUSE IN RURAL JAPAN? I ENTRUSTED MAIKO AND KEIKO WITH FOOD ORDERING DUTIES, AND ENDED UP WITH A BOWL FULL OF BEANS. SOYBEANS IN THE MIDDLE, SOME OTHER KINDA BEANS ON THE LEFT, AND SILKY TOFU (SOYBEAN CURD) ON THE RIGHT - ALL SOFTENED UP AND SWEETENED INTO A UNIQUE DESSERT DISH. IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY NICE.


ON THE RIDE HOME, KEIKO COULD HARDLY KEEP HER EYES OPEN. AH, AFTER A LONG DAY, THE TABLES HAD FINALLY TURNED IN MY FAVOR. I ROSE FROM BEING A HELPLESS TEASEE TO A RIGHTEOUS TEASER.

ME: KEIKO OBAACHAN, DAIJOUBU? NEMUI? (ARE YOU OK THERE, GRANDMA KEIKO? FEELING SLEEPY?)
KEIKO: <...SILENT GLARE...>

WE WOKE UP OL' SLEEPYHEAD AFTER ARRIVING AT TOKYO, AND MET MY OTHER FRIEND FOR DINNER AT AN OLD FASHIONED IZAKAYA RESTAURANT. I FORGET WHAT THE PLACE WAS CALLED, BUT APPARENTLY THE ROUGH TRANSLATION OF THE NAME INSPIRED KEIKO WITH SOMETHING NEW TO CALL ME. THUS WAS I GIVEN THE THIRD AND FINAL OF THREE NAMES KEIKO WOULD BESTOW UPON ME THIS DAY...

NAME #3: "UNCLE BEANS"

I'LL REFRAIN FROM DISCLOSING DETAILS, BUT THE DINNER CONVERSATION CENTERED AROUND A MUCHO GRANDE LIFE DECISION KEIKO WAS ABOUT TO DIVE INTO HEADFIRST. LIKE A SCRAPPY DOG SMELLING FEAR - MY PAL SENSED HER UNCERTAINTY, AND GLEEFULLY TORE INTO HER PLANS WITH HIS MERCILESSLY COLD LOGIC. SHE SPENT THE BETTER PART OF THE EVENING DEFENDING HER DREAMS AGAINST HIS ATTACKS - LEAVING HER TOO BUSY TO TEASE ME ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. NOT UNLIKE JAPANESE SUSHI, I FIND REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED RAW.

DESPITE WHAT I MIGHT BE LEADING YOU TO BELIEVE, I'M REALLY GLAD TO HAVE MET HER. SHE WAS A REAL CHARACTER. KEIKO, IF YOU'RE READING THIS (THOUGH I KNOW YOU'RE NOT), BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR DREAM. AND BE CAREFUL THE NEXT TIME YOU GO OUT TO EAT WITH 3 SUCH HOPELESS CYNICS.

TODAY I DISLIKE: WATER NOT BEING A DRINK CHOICE AT IZAKAYAS
TODAY I LIKE: KARMA

JAPAN DAY 4 (PT.2): BIG BUDDHA

OUR LUNCH CONVERSATION WAS SOMEHOW DIRECTED TOWARDS WHETHER OR NOT HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE IN JAPAN ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST. KEIKO SEEMED TO THINK THAT I'D BE CONSIDERED QUITE ATTRACTIVE BY MEMBERS OF SUCH A COMMUNITY. HMMM... I THINK SHE MEANT THAT AS A COMPLIMENT... POSSIBLY... RIGHT???









TODAY I LIKE: COMPLIMENTS
TODAY I DISLIKE: DUBIOUSLY BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS

JAPAN DAY 4 (PT.1): BABYSITTING A FOREIGNER

SEEING AS HOW I LOST ALMOST 10 POUNDS FROM THE RIGORS OF JAPANESE SIGHTSEEING THREE YEARS EARLIER - THIS TIME AROUND I FELT QUITE CONTENT TO SIMPLY HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS AND PUT THOSE POUNDS BACK ON. MY FRIENDS HERE ARE MUCH TOO KIND TO LET ME WALLOW IN COMFORT, THOUGH - SO TODAY WE WERE OFF TO HIKE THE MOUNTAINOUS, SHRINE-LITTERED TRAILS OF KAMAKURA. I'VE HEARD IT REFERRED TO AS "THE POOR MAN'S KYOTO" (MUCH LIKE HOW PORTLAND MAINE IS "THE POOR MAN'S SAN FRAN", OR BAGHDAD IS "THE POOR MAN'S DETROIT").



MY FRIEND MAIKO WAS TO BE MY GUIDE (CULTURAL NOTE: THE WORD "MAIKO" MEANS "DANCING GIRL" IN JAPANESE, AND MY FRIEND MAIKO IS ACTUALLY A TRAINED DANCER. ISN'T THAT SWELL?). SHE BROUGHT ALONG HER FRIEND KEIKO. LIKE MAIKO, KEIKO IS ALSO FLUENT AT ENGLISH... OR AT LEAST I THINK SHE IS. SHE MUCH PREFERRED SPEAKING TO ME IN JAPANESE - THE REALLY QUICK PACED, COLLOQUIAL, SLANG INFUSED STYLE OF JAPANESE THAT FOREIGNERS LIKE MYSELF SHOULD OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING (HAHAHA, DID YOU PICK UP ON THE SARCASM THERE, KIDS? MUCH TO HER APPARENT DELIGHT, I UNDERSTOOD NOT A WORD THAT SHE SPOKE TO ME IN THAT DEVIL TONGUE OF THEIRS).



CONSIDERING HOW POPULAR KAMAKURA IS WITH VISITORS (PARTICULARLY ON SPRING WEEKENDS SUCH AS THIS), WE WERE FORTUNATE TO HAVE PRACTICALLY ALL THE GARDENS, SHRINES, WOODED TRAILS, AND TACKY SOUVENIR SHOPS TO OURSELVES. NICE.

I WAS TAKING MY SWEET TIME LOOKING FOR PHOTO OP's ON OUR WALK, FALLING BEHIND THE LADIES FROM TIME TO TIME - AND I CAUGHT AN EARFUL ABOUT MY LEISURELY PACE AS A RESULT. THUS WAS I GIVEN THE FIRST OF THREE NAMES KEIKO WOULD BESTOW UPON ME THIS DAY...

NAME #1: "JIMU OJICHAN" (GRANDPA JIM)

THE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY GLEEFUL TORMENTOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON WERE AS FOLLOWS...

KEIKO: JIMU OJICHAN, DAIJOUBU? (ARE YOU OK, GRANDPA JIM?)
ME: HAI, DAIJOUBU DESU. OKAGESAMA DE (YES, I'M FINE. THANKS FOR ASKING)

<5 MINUTES PASS>

KEIKO: OJICHAN, DAIJOUBU? (YOU OK, GRANDPA?)
ME: DAIJOUBU YO. (I'M FINE)

<5 MINUTES PASS>

KEIKO: DAIJOUBU...? (YOU OK?)
ME: URUSAI YO! (...SHADDUP!)



TODAY I LIKE: KAMAKURA
TODAY I DISLIKE: (TAKE A GUESS)

JAPAN DAY 3: NO TENTACLES, PLEASE

TODAY THE DIFFERENCE IN TIME ZONES HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP, AND IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS (AND NOT THOSE NICE SOFT KIND OF BRICKS, EITHER). DESPITE THE FACT THAT "OL' MAN JET LAG" ARRIVED LATE TO THE PARTY, HE DIDN'T JUST POLITELY KNOCK ON THE DOOR - HE KICKED THE ENTIRE WALL DOWN. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRAVEL 13 HOURS INTO THE FUTURE.

TODAY WE FARTED AROUND TOWN, CHECKED OUT A FEW SHOPS, AND TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE OF THE EXOTIC CULTURAL CUISINE TO BE ENJOYED AT A STANDARD ITALIAN CHAIN RESTAURANT. YOU HAVEN'T HAD A HOUSE SALAD AND A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI UNTIL YOU'VE HAD IT IN JAPAN... POSSIBLY.

ALSO FOUND MYSELF A NICE PAIR OF SNEAKERS. HAD TO BUY THEM, SINCE NON-LEATHER SHOES ARE SO TOUGH FOR ME TO FIND. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE A BIT TOO THIN FOR MY FAT IRISH FEET. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GUYS WITH FAT FEET, RIGHT? ...I THINK THEY SAY NOT TO BUY SHOES IN JAPAN.

WHEREVER WE WENT, I'VE BEEN WHIPPING OUT MY 2,000 YEN BILLS (ROUGHLY $20) TO PAY FOR STUFF. IT WASN'T UNTIL I ALREADY SPENT HALF OF THEM THAT I CAME TO UNDERSTAND HOW RARE THESE PARTICULAR BILLS ARE. APPARENTLY IT'S RIGHT ON PAR WITH TRAVELLING TO THE STATES AND DISPENSING A WALLET FULL OF $2 BILLS. OR PERHAPS GOING TO CANADA AND TRADING A BEAVER PELT FOR A PIZZA (WHICH I HEAR IS STILL NOT UNHEARD OF IN FRENCH-CANADIAN REGIONS). HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT WADS OF CASH COULD BE WORTH ANYTHING? LUCKILY, I'VE STILL GOT A FEW LEFT IN MY POCKET TO FLASH AROUND TOWN. ONE MORE THING TO ADD TO MY ARSENAL OF THINGS-I-CAN-IMPRESS-JAPANESE-CHICKS-WITH-BUT-NOT-ENOUGH-SO-THAT-IT-MAKES-ANY-KIND-OF-REAL-DIFFERENCE.

SAW A BUNCH OF HIP YOUNG FELLAS IN A PARK PRACTICING HIGHLY SYNCHRONIZED J-POP DANCE MOVES TOGETHER - COMPLETE WITH LEG KICKS, HIP SHAKES, AND DRAMATIC HEAD WHIPS (THINK BRITNEY SPEARS, BUT A TOUCH MORE FEMININE). NOTE TO SELF: IF THIS PUBLIC ENDEAVOR EVER BECOMES AN ASPECT OF JAPANESE CULTURE I'D LIKE TO PURSUE... PURSUE IT IN FRONT OF SPEEDING TRAFFIC. THAT WAY IT WORKS OUT BEST FOR ALL INVOLVED.

SHINPEI'S FRIEND WAS SHOWING SOME OF HER PHOTOGRAPHY AT A GALLERY, SO WE WENT TO CHECK IT OUT. I STILL HAD ALL MY CAMERA GEAR AND TRIPOD WITH ME AT THE TIME, WHICH PIQUED THE INTEREST OF APPROXIMATELY NONE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHY ENTHUSIASTS IN ATTENDANCE. CURIOUS. SOMEDAY I PLAN TO ATTEND A FINE ART GALLERY WITH PAINT BRUSH AND EASEL IN HAND TO SEE IF THAT HAS BETTER SUCCESS AS A CONVERSATIONAL ICE BREAKER.

AFTERWARDS, A GROUP FROM THE GALLERY WENT OUT FOR CHINESE. NOT "REAL" CHINESE, BUT JAPANESE-CHINESE (MUCH THE WAY THAT THE FOOD IN THE STATES IS GENERALLY NOT REAL CHINESE, BUT AMERICAN-CHINESE. NONE OF MY FRIENDS FROM CHINA KNOW WHAT (OR WHO) GENERAL TSO IS). I ATE SOME PICKLED THINGIES, AND SOME FRIED THINGIES, AND WHATEVER ELSE DIDN'T HAVE EYES OR TENTACLES IN THE MIX. DIDN'T HEAR A WORD OF ENGLISH THE ENTIRE NIGHT, AND MY JET LAGGED HEAD WAS NOT QUITE UP TO THE TASK OF DECIPHERING MUCH OF WHAT WAS BEING SAID. FOR ALL I KNOW, THE CONVERSATION WAS NOTHING BUT CRUEL JOKES ABOUT THE WEIRD FOREIGNER WHO WOULDN'T EAT ANYTHING WITH EYES OR TENTACLES. (SIGH) I HOPE MY BRAIN TURNS BACK ON BY TOMORROW.

COMING SOON! PICTURES!!!

TODAY I LIKE: SEEING CROWS UP CLOSE ON CITY STREETS
TODAY I DISLIKE: WHATEVER REASON WHY "CHILDREN OF MEN" WAS RENAMED "TOMORROW-LAND" IN JAPAN

JAPAN DAY 2: A POX ON SANDISK!

MUCH TO MY SURPRISE AND JOY, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE FALLING (AND STAYING) ASLEEP. THE BEDROOM I WAS PROVIDED WAS REALLY COMFORTABLE - AND BENEFITED FROM NOT BEING DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM A GIANT "EPSON" SIGN ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A SCHOOL SPEWING BLINDING WHITE FLASHES OF ILLUMINATION IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. UNFORTUNATELY, I WAS NOT AS FORTUNATE THE FIRST TIME I CAME TO JAPAN (SEE PIC BELOW), AND SLEPT VERY LITTLE AS A RESULT.


THE BEDROOM I WAS STAYING IN THIS WEEK HAD THESE THICK IRON SHUTTERS OUTSIDE THAT SLOWLY (AND NOISILY) OPENED AND RAISED AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON. SO COOL. I IMAGINED THEM TO BE FROM SOME SCI-FI MOVIE IN WHICH A WEARY SPACE TRAVELLER WAKES FROM HYPER SLEEP, SIPS FROM A CUP OF SPACE COFFEE, AND SCRATCHES HIMSELF (OR HERSELF) AS THE ROBOTIC WINDOW SHADES OPEN TO REVEAL A BEAUTIFUL FOREIGN WORLD OUTSIDE.

(THE ANALOGY WORKS, CUZ NOT ONLY IS JAPAN LIKE A FOREIGN WORLD, BUT I ALSO HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO ENJOY A NICE MORNING SCRATCH. SEE?)

HAVING ALREADY LIVED IN THIS HOUSE FOR DECADES, THE FAMILY I WAS STAYING WITH DID NOT SHARE MY EXCITEMENT FOR THEIR HOME'S WINDOW APPLIANCES. LOOKING BACK, I SUPPOSE I MIGHT BE EQUALLY INDIFFERENT IF A FOREIGN GUEST HERALDED MY TOASTER OVEN AS SOME KIND OF FANTASTIC CONTRAPTION THAT CLEARLY MUST HAVE COME FROM NASA.

AFTER LUNCH, SHINPEI AND I DROVE NORTH TO THE SEASIDE OF CHIBA. THE LONG BEACHES HERE LOOKED A BIT LIKE THOSE OF NEW JERSEY, ALBEIT WITH LESS MEDICAL WASTE WASHING UP ON SHORE. ALSO, NONE OF THE LOCALS WORE T-SHIRTS THAT WARNED "DON'T F**K WITH ME, I'M LOCAL!" (YES, SOME JERSEY LOCALS REALLY WEAR THOSE). NOBODY WAS SWIMMING, GIVEN THAT THE EARLY SPRING TEMPERATURES WOULD PROBABLY KILL ANY BATHERS WITHIN 10 MINUTES OR SO. BESIDES, I FORGOT MY SWIMMING TRUNKS AT HOME TODAY - ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET. BUT IT WAS STILL NICE TO SIT FOR A WHILE AND CHILL (QUITE LITERALLY).

AS WE WERE GETTING READY TO LEAVE, 4 TEENS MADE THEIR WAY DOWN NEAR THE WATER. THEY FORMED A LINE AND JUMPED SKYWARDS IN UNISON, AGAIN AND AGAIN, STRIKING RIDICULOUS POSES WHILE ONE OF THEM TOOK PHOTOS OF THE EVENT. TAKING FULL ADVANTAGE OF MY LONG CAMERA LENS AND A PERFECT VANTAGE POINT, I SEIZED UPON WHAT I KNEW WOULD BE THE DEFINING PHOTOGRAPHIC OPPORTUNITY OF MY ENTIRE TRIP. THE DUNES AND REEDS IN THE FOREGROUND; LAYER UPON LAYER OF CRASHING WAVES IN THE BACKGROUND; AND SEVERAL COLORFUL YOUNG JAPANESE GOOFBALLS FLASHING AIRBORNE PEACE SIGNS IN THE CENTER OF IT ALL. I WAS SO EXCITED TO GET HOME AND SEE HOW THE PHOTOS CAME OUT.

...WELL, BY NOW YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I HAVEN'T POSTED A SINGLE VACATION PHOTO YET (THE EPSON SIGN ABOVE DOESN'T COUNT - THAT'S FROM 2003). THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE MY MEMORY CARD DECIDED TO DECLARE ITSELF CORRUPT 3 DAYS INTO MY TRIP, AND IT DRAGGED ALL OF MY BELOVED PHOTOS KICKING & SCREAMING TO THE DIGITAL GRAVE ALONG WITH IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DEEPLY THAT BREAKS MY HEART. SERIOUSLY. IF ONLY I WAS CAPABLE OF HUMAN EMOTIONS, I WOULD HAVE CRIED. WHEN I FIND WHO'S IN CHARGE OF KARMA AND COSMIC JUSTICE AND ALL THAT NONSENSE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE WORDS... WORDS, AND A GOOD OLD FASHIONED KNIFE FIGHT. TEXAS STYLE!

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ME BLABBING A LITTLE MORE BEFORE ANY PICS GO UP. I'LL TALK LESS ONCE I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW. APOLOGIES.

TODAY I LIKE: RARE MOMENTS THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN
TODAY I DISLIKE: CORRUPTED MEDIA OF RARE MOMENTS THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN

JAPAN DAY 1 (Pt.2): I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF*****G STEAKS ON THIS MOTHERF*****G PLANE!

MY PLANE TOUCHED DOWN 14 HOURS LATER, AND ALL THAT STOOD BETWEEN ME AND COZY BED WAS A SERIES OF IMMIGRATION/SECURITY CHECKPOINTS; A 1 HOUR TRAIN RIDE FROM NARITA; A NUMBER OF SUBWAY RIDES THROUGH THE WINDING BOWELS OF TOKYO; AND A CAR RIDE FROM ONE END OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST CITY OVER TO THE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE END... SO I WAS STILL JUST ROUGHLY 2/3rds OF THE WAY TO MY DESTINATION.

MY TURBAN WEARING FRIEND (WHOM I MENTIONED IN THE PREVIOUS POST) ENDED UP IN FRONT OF ME AT THE LAST OF MANY CHECKPOINTS BEFORING EXITING THE AIRPORT. HE WAS POLITELY ASKED FOR HIS PASSPORT. HE WAS THEN POLITELY ASKED FOR FURTHER IDENTIFICATION. HE WAS THEN POLITELY ASKED TO SUBMIT HIS BAG FOR INSPECTION. LASTLY HE WAS FRISKED (POLITELY, OF COURSE). THEN IT WAS MY TURN. A QUICK FLASH OF MY PASSPORT AND A QUICK FLASH OF MY SMILE WAS ALL I NEEDED TO BE ALLOWED THROUGH.

MY FRIEND (AND HOST) SHINPEI MET ME AT UENO, AND ESCORTED ME TO THE LOVELY HOME OF HIS FAMILY. THEY HAD A WONDERFUL MEAL ALREADY PREPARED FOR OUR ARRIVAL. NICE.

I SHOULD MENTION HERE THAT I'M A VEGETARIAN, AND HAVE BEEN FOR MORE THAN HALF MY LIFE. YES, I ACTUALLY CHOOSE TO COMPLETELY ABSTAIN FROM EATING ANIMALS, AND AM VERY STRICT ABOUT DAIRY PRODUCTS. IF I HAD ONE YEN FOR EVERY TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED, "NOT EVEN FISH?!?", I'D HAVE, LIKE... SOOO MUCH YEN! MY FRIEND ONCE TOLD ME OF A JAPANESE MAN THAT ENCOUNTERED ANOTHER SUCH AMERICAN WHOM ABSTAINED FROM EATING ANIMAL CARCASSES. THE MAN KINDLY LET THE VEGETARIAN IN ON THE FACT THAT, "A FISH IS REALLY JUST A VEGETABLE THAT SWIMS." TRUE STORY.

I FIND EXPLAINING VEGETARIANISM TO JAPANESE PEOPLE TO BE NOT UNLIKE EXPLAINING QUANTUM PHYSICS TO A HERD OF GOATS. THEY SIMPLY DON'T GET IT. FORTUNATELY, JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE FAR MORE RESPECTFUL OF SUCH CRAZY IDEAS THAN GOATS TEND TO BE. THEY ALSO SMELL BETTER THAN GOATS. IN FACT, JAPANESE PEOPLE MAKE FOR BETTER COMPANY THAN GOATS IN ALMOST EVERY WAY, BUT THAT'S GETTING AWAY FROM MY POINT. MY POINT IS, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M REGARDED AS MILDLY INSANE, ALL JAPANESE PEOPLE I'VE HAD THE FORTUNE TO BECOME FRIENDLY WITH HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OUTRAGEOUSLY ACCOMMODATING TO MY PARTICULAR DINING LIFESTYLE. THIS WAS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE HOME-COOKED MEAT-FREE FEAST OF SOUP, TOFU, TEMPURA, SALAD, AND VARIOUS EXOTIC VEGETABLE SPREADS THAT I FILLED MYSELF ON THIS NIGHT. AFTER A 24 HOUR PERIOD OF HAVING EATEN NOTHING BUT AIRLINE FOOD, THIS WAS THE WARMEST WELCOME I COULD POSSIBLY ASK FOR.

IN MY EFFORTS TO MAKE LIFE EVEN LESS ENJOYABLE THAN A STEAK-DEFICIENT DIET WOULD SEEM, I ALSO TEND TO ABSTAIN FROM CONSUMING ALCOHOL. IT'S NOT A "RULE", REALLY - JUST A LACK OF INTEREST. HOWEVER, AS PART OF THE WELCOMING MEAL, A FINE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE WAS UNCORKED TO TOAST THEIR AMERICAN GUEST. THEY ALREADY KNEW I WASN'T MUCH OF A DRINKER, BUT I WAS NOT ABOUT TO REFUSE SUCH A GESTURE. WORDS OF WELCOME WERE SPOKEN, GLASSES WERE RAISED, DRINKS WERE DOWNED, AND THROATS (MINE, SPECIFICALLY) SPASMED INTO AN EMBARRASSING FIT OF FIERCE COUGHING AND WHEEZING. GOOD LUCK TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT THE FIZZY DRINK HAD SIMPLY GONE DOWN THE WRONG PIPE, AND THAT YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, A SAD LITTLE NANCY-BOY WHO CAN'T HANDLE A SIP OF CHAMPAGNE - EXPLAINING IN BROKEN JAPANESE, NO LESS. IN SUCH A CASE, I DOUBT I'D BE ABLE TO CONVINCE ANYONE OF THAT, EVEN USING ENGLISH.

OH WELL. SO MUCH FOR FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

TODAY I LIKE: HOME-COOKED MEAT-FREE FEASTS OF SOUP, TOFU, TEMPURA, SALAD, AND VARIOUS EXOTIC VEGETABLE SPREADS
TODAY I DISLIKE: HOW I SMELL AFTER 24 HOURS OF TRAVELLING

JAPAN DAY 1 (Pt.1): ONLY 19 HOURS OF TRAVELLING TO GO

IS THERE A BETTER WAY TO START A TRIP TO THE FAR EAST THAN WITH YOUR PANTS OFF? I HOPE NOT, CUZ THAT'S HOW I STARTED MINE. NOT INTENTIONALLY, THOUGH. SEEMS I CHOSE THE WRONG PANTS TO WEAR TO THE AIRPORT. AFTER SUBMITTING MY SHOES AND BELT FOR APPROVAL AT THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT, MY HANDS WERE QUITE BUSY JUGGLING MY JACKET, TICKET, PASSPORT, ETC. MY UNBELTED JEANS RECOGNIZED A RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR ESCAPE, AND THEY SEIZED UPON IT. I JUST BARELY KEPT THEM FROM FLOPPING TO THE FLOOR AS I AWKWARDLY MADE MY WAY THROUGH THE LONG "GAUNTLET OF OBSERVATION AND SCRUTINY".

I EVENTUALLY SAT MYSELF AT THE GATE, AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO HOURS CHASING AN ELUSIVE NAP. I NOTED ONE INDIVIDUAL I'D BE FLYING WITH HAD A SIGNIFICANT BEARD... AND AN EVEN MORE SIGNIFICANT TURBAN. I IMMEDIATELY SQUASHED THE VISION IN MY HEAD OF RELIABLE OL' WILL SMITH TURNING TO THE CAMERA, PAUSING FOR EFFECT, AND DECLARING, "Awww, HELL NAW!" SUCH THOUGHTS WERE WON OVER BY THE BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL IN ME RATIONALIZING THAT THIS FELLA DESERVES THE SAME RIGHTS AND MODICUM OF RESPECT THAT SHOULD BE AFFORDED ANYONE ELSE (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW BLEEDING HEART LIBERALS ALWAYS GET THEIR WAY).

IT STRUCK ME HOW BAD IT MUST SUCK GETTING ON A PLANE AND HAVING EVERYONE LOOK AT YOU FROM THE SIDES OF THEIR EYES, ASSUMING YOU WANT TO KILL THEM ALL (IT'S THE SAME CAUTIOUS LOOK I GET FROM EVERYONE WHEN THEY SEE MY REACTION TO A RESTAURANT FULL OF SCREAMING CHILDREN).

THE FLIGHT CREW (ALL JAPANESE) GATHERED FOR SOME KIND OF 10 MINUTE PEP-RALLY BY THE CHECK-IN COUNTER (INVOLVING LOTS OF BOWING AND NODS OF ENCOURAGEMENT). I'D LIKE TO THINK IT WAS SOME KIND OF SHINTO RITUAL PRAYING TO THE GODS OF THE WINDS FOR A SAFE FLIGHT - BUT I THINK PERHAPS THEY WERE JUST ORGANIZING WHO HAD WHICH SECTIONS. OH WELL. THE SIGHT GAVE ME A VISION OF WHAT THE SO-CALLED "GOLDEN AGE" OF FLYING IS RUMORED TO HAVE BEEN LIKE. BY THAT I MEAN ALL 12 STEWARDESSES WERE ALL CERTIFIED HOT MAMA-JAMAS. EVEN THE GRIZZLED OLD VETERANS OF THE BUNCH WERE QUITE PRESENTABLE. AND NOT A SINGLE DUDE AMONG THEM. THE LECH IN ME SMILED TO SEE THAT CERTAIN DESPICABLE HIRING PRACTICES WERE STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD.

SO... I'M ONLY 4 PARAGRAPHS INTO DESCRIBING MY TRIP, AND WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THE POSSIBILITY THAT I AM BOTH A RACIST AND A SEXIST PIG (AND THERE'S STILL ANOTHER TWO AND A HALF WEEKS LEFT TO WRITE ABOUT).

I WAS ONE THE FEW AMERICANS ON BOARD, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A SURPRISE BLESSING. EVERYONE ON THE FLIGHT WAS THIN, AND DIDN'T SPILL INTO MY SEAT WITH ANY OVERABUNDANT FLESH. SCORE! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I HAD ONE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME. DOUBLE SCORE!!! Ahhh... IF THE PLANE GOES DOWN, AT LEAST I'LL DIE COMFORTABLY.

SPEAKING OF DYING IN A PLANE CRASH: THE LAST TIME I FLEW TO JAPAN, I WAS SUBJECTED TO THE "FILM" (USING THE TERM LOOSELY) KNOWN AS "THE CORE". THE STORY INVOLVES A PLOT-CRUCIAL SCENE OF A SPACE SHUTTLE BURNING THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE, AND MAKING A DESPERATE BUT SUCCESSFUL CRASH LANDING TO EARTH. MY AIRLINE REMOVED THE SCENE COMPLETELY, CENSORING IT FOR THE SAKE OF ANY SENSITIVE PASSENGERS WHOM SUCH IMAGERY MIGHT CONCERN. EVEN IF THE MOVIE DIDN'T BLOW, I MIGHT STILL FORGIVE SUCH CENSORSHIP. EVERYONE KNOWS THEY DON'T SHOW PLANE CRASHES TO PEOPLE ON PLANES, RIGHT? (I SHOULD MENTION, THOUGH, THAT WE WERE ALSO SHOWN "ABOUT SCHMIDT". THE AIRLINE CENSORS CURIOUSLY CHOSE TO LEAVE KATHY BATES' INFAMOUS NUDE SCENE UNTOUCHED AND INTACT FOR ALL THE FAMILIES ON BOARD TO ENJOY - AS IF THE AIRLINE FOOD WAS NOT ALREADY ENOUGH TO SPOIL MY APPETITE).


I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE ON TODAY'S FLIGHT THEY SHOWED A RECORDING OF A JAPANESE NEWS BROADCAST COVERING A RATHER INTERESTING TOPIC... THE HARROWING CRASH LANDING OF AN ENORMOUS PASSENGER PLANE WITH MALFUNCTIONING FRONT WHEELS! WE WERE TREATED TO NO LESS THAN SIX MINUTES OF MULTI-ANGLE FOOTAGE OF THE FRONT END OF THE AIRCRAFT SKIDDING ACROSS TO THE END OF THE RUNWAY IN A BALL OF SPARKLING FLAMES, FOLLOWED BY INTERVIEWS WITH VISIBLY SHAKEN SURVIVORS. UNBELIEVABLE!

NEVERTHELESS, I STILL FOUND THE UNLEASHED UPPER HALF OF KATHY BATES TO BE A MORE TRAUMATIZING SIGHT TO WITNESS.

TODAY I LIKE: WINDOW SEATS
TODAY I DISLIKE: 14 HOURS OF RECIRCULATED AIRPLANE AIR (FARTS AND ALL)

A NOT-UNTRUE STORY #2: THE PERILS OF XMAS MORNING

THIS NON-JAPAN-RELATED POST IS IN NO WAY AN ATTEMPT TO BUY MORE TIME TO GET MY JAPAN PHOTOS ORGANIZED. WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT IS A LIAR. THEY WOULD HAVE YOU THINK THAT I'M UNORGANIZED AND LAX IN MY BLOGGING RESPONSIBILITIES - AND IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BELIEVE SUCH THINGS, MY FRIEND... THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON.

ANYWAY, WHAT FOLLOWS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES IN THE HISTORY OF PEOPLE BEING QUOTED. IT'S FROM MY OLD WILDLIFE BIOLOGY COURSE AT COLLEGE. I CREDIT MYSELF WITH BEING THE ONLY ONE TO TRULY APPRECIATE THE DEPTHS OF THE QUOTE'S MEANING (AS I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN CLASS TO LAUGH OUT LOUD).

AS MY PROFESSOR STRUGGLED TO FIND A POIGNANT ANALOGY TO IMPART A PROPER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW UNPREDICTABLE FIELD STUDIES CAN BE, I BELIEVE HE MAY HAVE CHANNELED THE SPIRIT OF DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., OR PERHAPS GEORGE W. BUSH, TO DELIVER THIS MEMORABLE PEARL OF WISDOM...

"SAMPLING FOR FISH POPULATIONS IN A RIVER IS A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING... (long pause)...
...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO COME UP AGAINST!"


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