THEORY OF RELATIVITY: A TRUE STORY

SO LAST NIGHT I GOT ON MY XBOX TO SEE IF MY BROTHER IS ONLINE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY I HAVE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE GLOBE. THE DRIVE FREEZES UP AND REFUSES TO ALLOW ME ONLINE FOR WHATEVER REASON.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET SOME WORK DONE ON MY COMPUTER. IT'S A MONSTROUS PIECE OF PIMPED OUT HARDWARE COSTING 3 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER EXPENSIVE. THIS FACT IS MULTIPLIED FURTHER BY THE PRO-LEVEL ANIMATION SOFTWARE I'VE GOT INSTALLED, COSTING 8 TIMES WHAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER SANE. SOME FRIGHTENINGLY UNFAMILIAR GIBBERISH IS SPLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN, TELLING ME ONLY THAT MY BABY IS IN DIRE TROUBLE, AND SETTING ME UP FOR A PROFOUNDLY FRUSTRATING EVENING OF TRYING TO SALVAGE IT FROM A METALLIC GRAVE.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET TO BED SO I CAN PUT AN END TO THIS DAY AND GET SOME DECENT REST. I'M PLAGUED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT BY THREE SEPARATE DREAMS INVOLVING MURDEROUS ANIMALS AND ANIMALISTIC MURDERERS TRYING TO PUT AN END TO MY LIFE WITH SHARP TEETH AND SHARPER KNIVES.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME START THE DAY AND SEE WHATS HAPPENING ON THE INTERWEBS. WITHIN 30 SECONDS, MY LAPTOP DECIDES TO MYSTERIOUSLY DISENGAGE ITSELF (AND STAY DISENGAGED) FROM THE HIGH SPEED WIRELESS CONNECTION I RECENTLY SIGNED OVER MY FIRSTBORN FOR.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GET OUT OF THIS DAMNED APARTMENT AND WALK ACROSS TOWN TO MY FAVORITE BAKERY FOR MY FAVORITE SANDWICH. THAT'LL CHEER ME UP. IT'S ONLY 10:30AM, BUT MY FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY ALL SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME FALL BACK ON MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH SINCE I'M ALREADY HERE. MY SECOND FAVORITE SANDWICH IS ALREADY SOLD OUT.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME STOP BY THE SPECIALTY FOOD STORE SO I CAN AT LEAST HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR HAVING WALKED ALL THE WAY OUT HERE. IT IS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN THAT STOCKS THE FOOD THAT HELPS A SILLY VEGETARIAN LIKE ME STAY FED IN A SILLY COUNTRY LIKE THIS. THE STORE IS CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... LET ME GRAB THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT AND SWING IT AT EVERY SKULL THAT COMES INTO SIGHT. ONE OF THE FIRST TARGETS THAT I LOCK ONTO IS AN OLDER GENTLEMAN, JUST OVER 4 FEET IN STATURE, HUNCHED OVER, AND STRUGGLING TO KEEP HIS LEGS PROPERLY STEPPING ONE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER - AS THEY ARE CLEARLY BENT, CROOKED, AND NOT THE OF THE SAME LENGTH.

SO I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT... ALRIGHT... AND I SEEM TO FORGET ABOUT WHATEVER IT WAS THAT I HAD ON MY MIND EARLIER.

NOT A JOKE

THERE WERE THREE GUYS AT THE GYM TODAY FROM THE Kagoshima University of Medicine. THEIR SHIRTS WERE EMBLAZONED WITH KUM.

SERIOUSLY.