STORY OF MY LIFE

I’M NO CITY BOY, BUT LIVING NEXT TO MANHATTAN CERTAINLY HAD ITS PERKS. OPTIONS ABOUND. WITH MINIMAL TRAVELLING EFFORT, I COULD SEE UNUSUAL FILMS, EAT EXOTIC FOODS, AND STEP INTO THE JAPANESE FOREIGN EMBASSY FOR A LOVELY AFTERNOON OF INTERROGATIONS REGARDING MY QUALIFICATIONS FOR OVERSEAS EMPLOYMENT. THE EMPLOYMENT IN QUESTION IS MY CURRENT ENGLISH TEACHING POSITION HERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.

THE JET PROGRAM HIRES HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF NEW YOUNG AMERICAN HOPEFULS TO SEND ACROSS THE PACIFIC, BUT LIKE THE ANNUAL MIGRATION OF BAR-TAILED GODWIT FLOCKS FROM ALASKA TO NEW ZEALAND, THE PROCESS ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR (AS WE ALL KNOW). THAT’S TOO MANY FAT AMERICAN ASSES TO FIT ON A PLANE AT ONCE, SO HALF OF THE STATES LEAVE ON THE LAST WEEKEND OF JULY (GROUP A), AND THE REST FOLLOW ON THE FIRST WEEKEND OF AUGUST (GROUP B). NEW YORK IS IN GROUP A. IF YOU INTERVIEW SUCCESSFULLY WITH GROUP A, YOU LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITH GROUP A. NO CHANGING DATES. NO CHANGING LOCATIONS. NO IFs, ANDs, or BUTs.

PROBLEM. OF ALL THE 365 DAYS THAT THE 12 MONTHS OF THE YEAR HAVE TO OFFER, THE DEPARTURE DATE FOR GROUP A JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SAME DAY AS A PREVIOUS (AND SECRET) PRIOR ENGAGEMENT THAT I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE ABSENT FROM. MY LIFE IS A CALENDAR’S WORTH OF SUPREMELY UNIMPORTANT DAYS, EACH USELESS MOMENT MOCKING ME AS THEY BUFFER THAT ONE PARTICULARLY CRUCIAL DATE. WHAT OUTRAGEOUSLY POOR TIMING! I BELIEVE 15th CENTURY SCHOLAR AND PHILOSOPHER NICHOLAS OF CUSA PUT IT BEST IN HIS SUMMARY ON THE PRINCIPLE OF COINCIDENCE WHEN HE ASKED, “CAN YOU FUCKIN’ BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!?”

AFTER NUMEROUS EMAILS AND PHONE CALLS PLEADING MY CASE TO THE JAPANESE BIGWIGS IN WASHINGTON, I WAS INFORMED THAT MY ONLY OPTION WOULD BE TO INTERVIEW WITH (AND THUS LEAVE WITH) BOSTON’S GROUP B. I WAS ALSO INFORMED THAT THIS WAS A CONCESSION THEY REALLY WEREN’T CRAZY ABOUT MAKING FOR ME… JUST IN CASE I WAS WONDERING.

AND SO IT WAS THAT I WOULD DRIVE 4 HOURS NORTH TO THE HOME OF THE RED SOX, SPEND 15 MINUTES IN THE INTERVIEW HOT SEAT, AND THEN DRIVE BACK ANOTHER 4 HOURS SOUTH TO THE HOME OF THE YANKEES – ALL BEFORE THE SUN HAD SET. FUN.

AUGUST ARRIVES. DESPITE HAVING THE EXTRA WEEK IN AMERICA THAT I WAS AFFORDED BY BEING PART OF GROUP B, MY PENULTIMATE NIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES WOULD BE SPENT WITHOUT SLEEP AS I DESPERATELY SCRAMBLED TO ORGANIZE AND SIGN OFF ON EVERY ASPECT PERTAINING TO MY PREVIOUS LIFE BEFORE LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND (“PENULTIMATE” MEANS SECOND TO LAST, BY THE WAY. IMPRESSED?). I CAN SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY SUCH A MARATHON OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NOT HOW YOU WANT TO PREPARE FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL JET-LAG INDUCING FLIGHTS.

SO AFTER ANOTHER 4 HOUR TRIP TO BOSTON, I BOARD MY PLANE AND DISCOVER THAT GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. WE ARE FLYING BACK TO NEW YORK.

THE PLANE THAT IS ACTUALLY CROSSING THE OCEAN TO JAPAN IS WAITING FOR US ON A RUNWAY A MERE 30 MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. YES, THE BOSTON FLIGHT, WHICH I WAS NOT TO MISS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WAS FLYING ME BACK TO THE HOME I HAD JUST LEFT. AN INTERESTING TONE FOR MY NEW LIFE HAS NOW BEEN SET, AND IT IS CHOCK FULL OF IRONIC GOODNESS.

BUT WAIT. I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU THE PUNCHLINE YET. REMEMBER THAT UNRESOLVABLE SCHEDULE CONFLICT THAT SENT THIS WHOLE SERIES OF SILLY EVENTS INTO MOTION?

It was cancelled.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOGCAST…

EWW! THAT TITLE MAKES ME CRINGE. BUT I GUESS IT’S APPROPRIATE SINCE I MUST INTERRUPT MY TALES OF VACATIONING IN JAPAN. WHY? BECAUSE I’M NOW LIVING IN JAPAN.

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT WOULD MAKE A PERSON QUIT HIS JOB, LEAVE HIS HOME, AND SAY GOODBYE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GO LIVE IN A COUNTRY PLAGUED BY NATURAL DISASTERS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE GLOBE. EVERYONE IS A STRANGER, THE LANGUAGE IS AN ENIGMA, AND THE LIMITED EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES ENTAIL A GREAT DEAL OF GUT WRENCHING PUBLIC SPEAKING DUTIES. SO WHY? WELL, TO BE HONEST… I REALLY LIKE WHITE RICE.

I AM NOW A MEMBER OF THE INTERNATIONAL J.E.T. PROGRAM. I HAVE BEEN HIRED (ALONG WITH APPROXIMATELY 2,000 OTHER NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS THIS YEAR) TO HELP SPREAD GOODWILL AND PROPER GRAMMAR TO THE INHABITANTS OF JAPAN. I AM AN EMPLOYEE OF MY LOCAL JAPANESE GOVERNMENT. I HAVE BEEN HIRED TO ASSIST ENGLISH TEACHERS VIA (1) SPEAKING IN MY BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK ACCENT, (2) SHARING MY COMPLETE MASTERY OF ALL THINGS GRAMMATICAL, AND (3) ALLOWING THEM TO GAZE UPON MY WILDLY EXOTIC CAUCASIAN FACIAL FEATURES. HAVING TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS, AND HELPING THEM IN THEIR EFFORTS TO BETTER THEMSELVES IS THE LAST THING I THOUGHT I’D EVER CARE TO DO FOR A LIVING – BUT IT’S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET INTO THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN… SO HERE I AM.

DURING THE (GRUELING) APPLICATION PROCESS WE WERE OFFERED A CHANCE TO REQUEST THREE LOCALES IN JAPAN WHERE WE’D MOST LIKE TO BE PLACED. ON PREVIOUS TRIPS HERE, I’VE TRULY ENJOYED EVERYWHERE I’VE BEEN, SO I SAID “ANYWHERE” IS FINE. WELL… THEY TOOK THAT AND RAN WITH IT, BECAUSE I HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN PLACED “ANYWHERE”. OR AS MY JAPANESE FRIENDS HAVE ASKED, "UM... WHERE?!?” (MORE ON THAT IN A MOMENT) THERE’S NO POINT IN BEMOANING MY NOT REQUESTING WHERE TO BE PLACED, THOUGH. OF THE HUNDRED OR SO J.E.T. APPLICANTS I’VE MET WHO ACTUALLY ASKED FOR A SPECIFIC LOCATION, PERHAPS ONLY TWO OF THEM WERE NOT SENT HUNDREDS OF KILOMETERS FROM THEIR DESIRED HOME (YES, I SAID KILOMETERS. JAPAN DOESN’T USE MILES, SO I GUESS I DON’T EITHER, ANYMORE).

A LITTLE INFO ABOUT JAPAN. JAPAN IS HOT. HOT AND HUMID. ENDURING JAPANESE SUMMER IS LIKE ENDURING THE MOVIE “SHOWGIRLS.” EVERYONE FEELS SWEATY, EMPTY AND DISGUSTED AFTERWARDS. MYSELF? I’M A WINTER ENTHUSIAST. I’LL HAPPILY WALK OUT INTO A SNOWSTORM IN SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT - BUT THEN RUN BACK INTO THE HOUSE REALIZING THAT I FOOLISHLY FORGOT MY SPF 70 SUNBLOCK FOR THE CRUEL WINTER SUN.

SO, I WAS OFFERED THE JOB, BUT HAD TO SIGN AWAY A YEAR OF MY LIFE WELL BEFORE I’D ACTUALLY BE TOLD WHERE MY PLACEMENT WAS. AS YOU CAN GUESS, I WAS HOPING TO GO SOMEPLACE SOMEWHAT NORTHERLY IN JAPAN TO MINIMIZE MY EXPOSURE TO THE INEVITABLE MISERY THAT IS PACIFIC OCEAN SUMMERTIME. NORTHERLY WOULD BE NICE.

I WAS INFORMED THAT I WOULD BE LIVING IN KAGOSHIMA.

WELL… KAGOSHIMA IS NOT NORTHERLY. IF YOU LOOK AT A MAP OF JAPAN, RUN YOUR FINGER ALONG ITS LENGTH AND CONTINUE AS FAR SOUTH AS YOU CAN GO. AT THE ASS END OF THE COUNTRY, YOU WILL FIND KAGOSHIMA. THE TEMPERATURE THERE MAKES THE SWELTERING POLLUTED AIR OF TOKYO SEEM UNBELIEVABLY COOL AND REFRESHING BY COMPARISON. TO SAY I WAS STRUCK WITH SEVERE SECOND THOUGHTS WOULD NOT BE AN UNTRUTH.

KAGOSHIMA IS AS FAR FROM EVERYTHING ELSE IN JAPAN AS YOU CAN GET. IT IS FAMOUS FOR MOUNT SAKURAJIMA, AN ACTIVE (VERY ACTIVE) VOLCANO THAT SITS NEXT TO THE CITY. ASH FALLS TO THE STREETS ON A WEEKLY BASIS. WHAT IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS HAD I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

AFTER ABOUT THREE WEEKS OF CONTEMPLATION, INTROSPECTION, AND DESPERATION, I FOUND MYSELF AT PEACE WITH WHAT WAS TO BE MY NEW HOME. IT WAS AT THIS TIME I WAS GIVEN THE EXACT ADDRESS I WOULD INHABIT. TOKUNOSHIMA. THE, UM… ISLAND OF TOKUNOSHIMA. THE TINY ISLAND OF TOKUNOSHIMA. NOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW FAR SOUTH I THOUGHT I WAS GOING, TRACE YOUR FINGER STRAIGHT DOWN ON THE MAP SEVERAL HUNDRED MORE KILOMETERS. IT IS SOOO FAR SOUTH, IT IS NOT INCLUDED ON MOST MAPS OF JAPAN.

(…CONCERN)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, TOKUNOSHIMA DOESN’T HAVE ANY OF KAGOSHIMA’S VOLCANOES TO WORRY ABOUT. HOWEVER, I WAS TRADING IN THAT CONCERN FOR A BATCH OF NEW ONES. FOR EXAMPLE…

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS A POPULATION THAT SPEAKS “HOUGEN”, A DISTINCT LANGUAGE WHICH IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO OTHER JAPANESE PEOPLE (AND THUS, EVEN MORE SO TO MYSELF).

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS VERY FEW FRESH FRUITS OR VEGETABLES FOR A VEGETARIAN (LIKE MYSELF) TO SURVIVE ON.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS FEW CONVENIENT WAYS TO REACH ITS SHORES, AND THEY ARE ALL PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS TYPHOONS, AS IT IS SITTING DEAD CENTER IN THE PATH OF PREDICTABLY CATASTROPHIC WEATHER PATTERNS.

TOKUNOSHIMA HAS A POPULATION OF VIPERS CALLED HABU THAT OUTNUMBER THE POPULATION OF PEOPLE. IF YOU CAN’T REACH THE HOSPITAL WITHIN AN HOUR OF BEING BITTEN BY A HABU, THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE REACHES A CONCLUSION.

(…FEAR)

AND TOKUNOSHIMA HAS HEAT! SUCH HEAT! THIS ISLAND SHOULD REQUIRE SCHOLARS TO TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT THE DICTIONARY, FOR THE CURRENT DEFINITION OF “HUMID” FALLS FAR SHORT OF PROPERLY ENCAPSULATING THE INDESCRIBABLE CONDITIONS THAT AWAIT YOU HERE. EXPERIENCING TOKUNOSHIMA HUMIDITY IS KNOWN TO BE A PRACTICE IN OUTRAGEOUS PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT.

(…PANIC! SHEER AND UNADULTERATED PANIC!)


SO… WERE MY FEARS UNFOUNDED? KEEP READING AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. I’VE GOT 2 MONTHS UNDER MY BELT NOW, AND EVERY DAY HAS PRESENTED ME WITH A WIDE ASSORTMENT OF CHALLENGES, EMBARRASSMENTS, BEFUDDLEMENTS, MISERIES, TRIUMPHS, AND JOYS SUCH AS I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. SINCE YOU AND I ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, I’LL TAKE SOME TIME TO SHARE SOME OF THE MORE NOTEWORTHY MOMENTS WITH YOU. HOPE YOU ENJOY.