WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

JIM HENSON'S NIGHTMARE

NO CHILDREN WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM.
...however, several pairs of undergarments were irreparably soiled.