THINGS THAT I CAN NEVER UNSEE

I'VE SEEN SOME TRULY REMARKABLE THINGS SINCE I'VE ARRIVED ON THESE SHORES. TAKE FOR EXAMPLE...

-AN 8 YEAR OLD CHILD STEPPING INTO THE CENTER OF A HEAVILY TRAFFICKED ROAD, LEADING A MONSTROUSLY OVERSIZED FIGHTING BULL (BRED SIMPLY TO HURT OTHER BULLS) BY ITS NOSE
-A BIKE THAT FOLDS IN HALF
-A GECKO DESPERATELY TRYING TO SCRAMBLE UP MY LEG TO AVOID DROWNING WHILE I SHOWERED
-BOULDERS THE SIZE OF TRUCKS DELICATELY PERCHED UPON UNIMAGINABLY THIN BASES CARVED AWAY BY TIME AND THE WAVES OF THE OCEAN

-A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HAND
-A REAR VIEW CAMERA FOR PARKING THAT DISPLAYS COMPUTER OVERLAYS OF CALCULATED ANGLES AND DISTANCES
-A LIVE (AND QUITE ACTIVE) VOLCANO SITTING ALONGSIDE A BUSTLING URBAN CITY


-A MAN USING AN EIGHT FOOT ROD TO BEAT A POISONOUS SNAKE TO DEATH NEXT TO MY DRIVEWAY
-A CROWD OF HYSTERICAL JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS REACTING TO MY PRESENCE IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THE BEATLES WERE GREETED WHEN LANDING IN AMERICA (INCLUDING AUTOGRAPH REQUESTS AND TEARS... DON'T ASK WHY, I'M JUST A CLUELESS)
-A CELL PHONE WITH TV RECEPTION
-A PARCHED GOAT DRINKING FROM IT’S OWN SWOLLEN NIPPLES


-AN INJURED CAT VIOLENTLY FLOPPING UP AND DOWN 2 FEET IN THE AIR BEFORE COLLAPSING IN A POOL OF ITS OWN BLOOD
-"HONOR SYSTEM" VEGETABLE STANDS WITH NO ATTENDANTS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY
-A FURIOUS THREE LEGGED DOG CHASING ME OFF ITS PROPERTY
-AND THIS THING! WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEN FRANKLIN IS THIS THING?!?


ALL THOSE MOMENTS WILL BE LOST IN TIME... LIKE TEARS IN RAIN.

ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

10 PM. PHONE RINGS. HUH? NOBODY CALLS ME AT 10PM. IT’S A TEACHER WONDERING IF I’LL BE ABLE TO ATTEND HER 2ND PERIOD CLASS ON TIME TOMORROW, SINCE I’M APPARENTLY EXPECTED AT ANOTHER SCHOOL FOR FIRST PERIOD.

WHAT? I DON’T HAVE THAT SCHOOL ON MY SCHEDULE. I’VE ALREADY GOT ANOTHER SCHOOL TO DO IN THE AFTERNOON. THREE IN ONE DAY? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING. TOO LATE TO CALL THE SCHOOLS. TOO LATE TO CALL MY ADVISOR. RESTLESS NIGHT’S SLEEP WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO.

MORNING. BACK AND FORTH CALLS BETWEEN MYSELF, MY ADVISOR, AND VARIOUS BOARDS OF EDUCATION. EVERYONE IS CONFUSED AND STRESSED.

ONE HOUR LATER. TURNS OUT THE TEACHER WAS LOOKING AT THE FEBRUARY PAGE OF THE CALENDAR, NOT JANUARY. OOPS.


CLASS TIME. I SHOW THIS TEACHER SOME SMALL AMERICAN CANDIES I BROUGHT AS PRIZES FOR STUDENTS WHO SUCCESSFULLY PARTICIPATE IN MY CAREFULLY PLANNED VIDEO PRESENTATION. HER EYES LIGHT UP. I’M TOLD IT’S A GREAT IDEA, AND THE CHILDREN WILL BE EXCITED. SHE'S RIGHT. ALL GOES WELL.

CLASS ENDS. THIS TEACHER FROWNS AND INFORMS ME THAT I SHOULDN’T GIVE CANDY TO STUDENTS. IT’S AGAINST SOME KIND OF RULE. A RULE THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO OTHER SCHOOLS, HAS NOT APPLIED ON OTHER DAYS, AND DID NOT APPLY ONE HOUR EARLIER. NEW RULE, I GUESS. NOW I’M LEFT WITHOUT THE CRUCIAL BRIBERY TO MOVE MY LESSON PLAN ALONG PROPERLY. NOW ALL THE OTHER CLASSES KNOW I GAVE TREATS TO ONE CLASS AND NOT ANYONE ELSE. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHY.


LUNCHTIME. AS I OFTEN USE VIDEO IN CLASS, I JOKE WITH THE TEACHER THAT “SOMEDAY” I WILL PREPARE SOMETHING DOESN’T REQUIRE SETTING UP THE PROJECTOR. JUST A JOKE, BUT SHE EMPHATICALLY INFORMS ME THAT TO SEE SUCH THINGS IS REALLY RARE FOR THE STUDENTS ON THE ISLAND, AND THAT THE VIDEOS AND PHOTOS I SHOW ON MY MONTHLY VISIT ARE ALWAYS GREATLY ANTICIPATED.

11PM. I’M IN BED. CHECK MY EMAIL AND FIND A MAIL FROM TODAY’S TEACHER. I’M ASKED TO NOT USE VIDEO THE NEXT TIME I VISIT.

HOME FOR THE HORIDEIZU

WENT BACK TO AMERICA BRIEFLY TO EAT SOME ITALIAN FOOD AND PICK UP MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. THE RETURN TRIP BACK TO JAPAN WAS REMARKABLE IN ITS LENGTH, A FACT MADE ALL THE MORE NOTICEABLE BY THE COMPLETE MALFUNCTIONING OF ALL TVs ON THE PLANE. HERE'S HOW IT PLAYED OUT...

05 HOURS: SLEEP
14 HOURS: NEW YORK TO TOKYO
03 HOURS: TOKYO LAY-OVER
03 HOURS: TOKYO TO OKINAWA
08 HOURS: OKINAWA LAY-OVER
10 HOURS: OKINAWA TO TOKUNOSHIMA (VIA FERRY)
½ HOUR: WALK HOME FROM FERRY PORT

DUE TO THE CURVATURE OF THE EARTH AND OTHER SCIENTIFIC MUMBO JUMBO, THE TRANS-PACIFIC FLIGHT TAKES A DETOUR WAAAY THE HELL UP NORTH INSTEAD OF TRAVELING IN A STRAIGHT LINE TO JAPAN. TAKES LESS TIME. UP THERE, THE SUN TENDS TO CROSS THE SKY HORIZONTALLY INSTEAD OF VERTICALLY. I WAS REMINDED OF THIS WHEN I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND NOTICED AN HOUR HAD PASSED SINCE THE SUN BEGAN TO DIP…


…AND THEN ANOTHER HOUR…


…AND THEN ANOTHER HOUR. GROOVY PICKLES!