I STEP OFF THE PLANE, AND STEP INTO JAPAN. TURNING BACK IS AN OPTION NO LONGER AVAILABLE TO ME. MY YEAR LONG OBLIGATION TO LIVE IN THIS FOREIGN LAND HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.
WE ARE BUSED TO AN ENORMOUS HOTEL IN THE CENTER OF TOKYO FOR A WEEK’S WORTH OF ORIENTATION. I’M TO SHARE A ROOM WITH TWO OTHER STRANGERS. HOTEL ROOMS IN JAPAN ARE SMALL AND TIGHT. HOTEL ROOMS IN JAPAN SHARED BY THREE DUDES ARE ESPECIALLY SMALL AND TIGHT. THESE KIDS SEEMED NICE ENOUGH AT FIRST, BUT ONE OF THEM TURNED OUT TO BE LESS THAN AN IDEAL ROOMIE. HE SLEPT NO MORE THAN A FOOT AWAY FROM ME – AND AT VARYING POINTS IN OUR JET-LAGGED SLUMBERS THE MOST CURIOUS OF NOISES CAME FROM THAT BED OF HIS. RUSTLING AND SCRATCHING NOISES. UNUSUALLY ENTHUSIASTIC SCRATCHING. THESE SCRATCHING EFFORTS LASTED FOR A GOOD FOUR MINUTES AT A TIME, AND INCLUDED QUITE A BIT OF MOANING.
NOTHING ADDS TO THE DIFFICULTIES OF A RESTLESS NIGHT QUITE LIKE SUSPECTING THAT A MAN A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM YOU IS, UH… TAKING MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.
THE ODD THING IS, HE WAS STILL BREATHING LIKE A HIBERNATING BEAR. I’M ALMOST CERTAIN HE WAS ASLEEP. I COULDN’T QUITE FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND TRIED MY BEST TO NOT FIGURE IT OUT – EVEN WHEN THIS AWFUL BEHAVIOR CONTINUED EACH FOLLOWING NIGHT.
ON OUR LAST MORNING IN THE HOTEL, I WAS ALONE WITH MY NON-MOANING ROOMIE. WHILE PACKING, HE SHEEPISHLY ASKED, “Errr… DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING… WEIRD… LAST NIGHT?”
“YES! YES, I DID! MAN, I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. I FIGURED YOU MIGHT THINK IT WAS ME.”
“WHAT DO YOU THINK HE’S DOING?”
“I’VE GOT NO IDEA, BUT IF IT TURNS OUT HE SIMPLY HAS AN REEEALLY ITCHY RASH ON THE INSIDE OF HIS LEG, I’LL FEEL A LOT BETTER ABOUT THIS PAST WEEK.”
AFTER BREAKFAST, I SAID MY GOODBYES TO DOZENS OF NEW FRIENDS. WE EXCHANGED CONTACT INFO AS A POLITE GESTURE, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT HUMAN NATURE DICTATES NONE OF US WILL MAKE ANY EFFORT TO CONTACT THE OTHER PERSON EVER AGAIN (UNLESS WE CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE TO PROFIT FROM THE INTERACTION).
THOSE OF US TO BE SHIPPED TO THE ASS END OF THE COUNTRY (KAGOSHIMA) WERE PUT ON AN AIRPORT BUS AND TAUGHT HOW TO PROPERLY GREET OUR NEW COWORKERS WITHOUT OFFENDING THEM. IT WASN’T LONG BEFORE WE STEPPED OFF THE PLANE AND INTO THE THRONGS OF TEACHERS AND STUDENTS PATIENTLY WAITING TO WELCOME THEIR NEWLY HIRED ENGLISH EXPERTS. INTRICATELY DECORATED BANNERS AND BALLOONS WERE HELD ALOFT TO LET US KNOW WHICH GROUP OF EXCITED JAPANESE SCHOOL CHILDREN WE WOULD HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BEING ESCORTED HOME BY. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED WAS A SMILING FACE CALLING OUT OUR NAMES. WELL, EVERY NAME BUT MINE, THAT IS.
“OH, THAT’S RIGHT… YOU’RE THE ISLAND DUDE, AREN’T YOU?” SOMEONE SAID, ALMOST APOLOGETICALLY.
AS MY FELLOW WESTERNERS JOINED THEIR NEW FAMILIES, AND THE CHEERFUL CROWD SLOWLY DISPERSED, I WAS HANDED 2 NEW PLANE TICKETS (YEAH, THERE WERE STILL 2 MORE FLIGHTS TO GO) AND WAS ASKED IF I CAN FIGURE OUT MY WAY TO TOKUNOSHIMA ON MY OWN. I TOOK A SEAT IN THE EMPTY WAITING ROOM, AND TRIED TO KEEP MYSELF FROM WONDERING, “WHAT THE F**K AM I DOING HERE?” WITH MODERATE SUCCESS.
THE STEWARDESS ON MY NEXT (TINY) PLANE GAVE HER WELCOME SPEECH IN JAPANESE, AND THEN READ IT AGAIN OFF A PIECE OF PAPER IN ENGLISH. CONSIDERING THAT LITERALLY 0.00011% OF THE ISLAND INHABITANTS (INCLUDING ME) ARE NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS, I WAS FLATTERED BY THE EFFORT. AS THE AIRCRAFT CREPT CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE EQUATOR, I NOTED HOW THE SUNSHINE COMING IN THROUGH THE AIRPLANE WINDOW BEGAN TO HURT. REALLY, REALLY HURT.
MY FIRST STEP ONTO THE SOIL OF MY NEW ISLAND HOME GREETS ME WITH A SMACK OF HUMIDITY SO INTENSE THAT IT NEARLY KNOCKED ME BACK INTO THE AIRCRAFT. MY LUNGS RETRACTED IN HORROR AT THIS NEW FORM OF “AIR” THAT THEY NOW HAD TO CONTEND WITH. THE SECOND THING MY SENSES PICKED UP ON WAS THE OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD VOICE OF A CHILD SCREAMING SOME INSANELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE GREETING TO SOMEONE FROM THE ROOF OF THE AIRPORT (IF IT CAN BE CALLED AN “AIRPORT”. PERHAPS “AIR-HOUSE” MIGHT BE MORE APPROPRIATE, SINCE “AIR-SHACK” MY SOUND A BIT RUDE).
INSIDE THE AIR-HOUSE, I AM MET BY A WOMAN ASKING ME TO WAIT A MOMENT FOR HER HUSBAND. MOMENTS LATER HE DESCENDS THE STAIRS WITH THE ROOFTOP GIRL IN HIS ARMS – OR AS I LIKE TO THINK OF HER, A THREE FOOT TALL SET OF VOCAL CHORDS IN THE SHAPE OF A FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD. APPARENTLY HER EAR SHREDDING VOCALIZATIONS AIMED AT THE RUNWAY WERE MEANT AS A GREETING FOR ME. HER NAME IS HARUKA, AND SHE IS THE MOST SPECIAL PERSON ON THIS ISLAND. (MORE ON HER AT ANOTHER TIME)
EVERY ALT (ASSISTANT LANGUAGE TEACHER) IS ASSIGNED AN ADVISOR TO HELP HIM/HER ADJUST TO LIFE IN JAPAN. THEY TAKE CARE OF ALL OUR PAPERWORK, HELP WITH PAYING BILLS, AND SHOW US ALTs HOW TO DO OUR WORK PROPERLY (SINCE ALL OF THE ABOVE IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE FOR A NON-NATIVE TO UNDERSTAND). THE ADVISOR ENABLES SURVIVAL. UNFORTUNATELY, MY ADVISOR IS NOT CAPABLE OF ENABLING MY SURVIVAL. THIS IS BECAUSE MY ISLAND IS SO REMOTE, THE PERSON ASSIGNED TO HELP ME THROUGH MY DAY-TO-DAY BIZNESS DOES NOT EVEN LIVE HERE. IT’S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD, EXCEPT THAT IT’S NOT AT ALL FUNNY.
ANYWAY, THE MAN CARRYING HARUKA IS AN ENGLISH TEACHER AT ONE OF MY (22!!!) SCHOOLS. HE’S BEEN ASSIGNED THE UNENVIABLE TASK OF TAKING ME UNDER HIS WING AS BEST HE CAN, SINCE MY ADVISOR CAN NOT. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE VICE-PRINCIPAL OF MY SCHOOL, WHO IMMEDIATELY INFORMS ME THAT I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE DAVID BECKHAM. THIS UNEXPECTED APPRAISAL QUALIFIES HIM FOR A SPOT ON MY LIST OF “COOL PEOPLE I KNOW”, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS FACILITIES ARE SO CLEARLY IMPAIRED.
FOR MY FIRST TASTE OF THIS NEW ISLAND LIFE, WE STOP AT A ROADSIDE VEGETABLE SHACK SO THAT THEIR NEW VEGETARIAN WILL BE ABLE TO EAT TONIGHT. THE CASH REGISTER IS A WOODEN BOX AND A BROKEN CALCULATOR MANNED BY A SWEET OLD GRANDMOTHER. THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF VEGETABLES TO CHOOSE FROM, NONE OF WHICH I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE. MOMENTS LATER, THE BLUE SKIES SPLIT OPEN. THE TORRENTIAL RAINS, MUCH LIKE THE TEARS OF A GIRLFRIEND, ARE AS LOUD AS THEY ARE UNEXPECTED. IN ABOUT THREE MINUTES, THE SKY IS BLUE AGAIN, AND ENORMOUS COLUMNS OF WHITE CLOUDS BLOSSOM VERTICALLY INTO THE SKY.
I’M TAKEN TO MY NEW HOME. THE GAS IS TURNED ON, THE WATER IS CHECKED, AND I AM LEFT ALONE (WITH MY THREE VEGETABLES) TO SPEND THE NIGHT CONTEMPLATING THIS UNIQUE NEW TURN MY LIFE HAS TAKEN. MY JET LAG PROMISES IT WILL BE A LONG NIGHT.
