JAPAN DAY 7: MOVING ON

TODAY I’M LEAVING TOKYO AND HEADING FOR SHIZUOKA, A QUAINT LITTLE CITY NESTLED SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE OCEAN AND MOUNT FUJI. SPENT THE EARLY HALF OF THE MORNING PACKING. IT TOOK SOME ENGINEERING, BUT I WAS ABLE TO ARRANGE EVERYTHING IN MY SMALL LITTLE BAGS “JUST SO” (AS I TOUCH A FEW FINGERTIPS TOGETHER IN A DAINTY FASHION, FOR EMPHASIS). REALIZED I DIDN’T HAVE MY PASSPORT. SPENT THE LATE HALF OF THE MORNING UNPACKING, SEARCHING, MUMBLING VARIOUS CUSS WORDS, AND REPACKING AGAIN.

SHINPEI CAME TO THE ROOM TO SAY GOOD MORNING, AND HE BROUGHT WITH HIM A MIGHTY BEARD UPON HIS PREVIOUSLY CLEAN-SHAVEN FACE. MY GOD, WHAT A VISION OF MANLINESS! EITHER HE WAS BITTEN BY A WOLF LAST NIGHT, OR HE’S BEEN SHOOTING 2 QUARTS OF TESTOSTERONE INTO HIS NECK BEFORE BEDTIME.

BUT AS HE GOT CLOSER, I REALIZED IT WAS NOT SHINPEI - BUT AN IMPOSTOR! OR, MORE ACCURATELY, SHINPEI’S BROTHER YOHEI. HE LIVES ON HIS OWN, BUT STOPPED BY THE FAMILY’S HOUSE TO SAY “HELLO”. SO, WE SAID “HELLO”, INTRODUCED OURSELVES, STRUGGLED THROUGH A MULTILINGUAL CONVERSATION ON MY VACATION PLANS, AND AGREED TO MEET WHEN I RETURN TO TOKYO NEXT WEEK. I DOUBT HE HAS ANY INTENTION TO ACTUALLY MEET UP AGAIN, BUT I LOVE THE JAPANESE FOR BEING SO POLITE ABOUT SUCH THINGS.


I GOT ON THE SHINKANSEN (BULLET TRAIN) TO SHIZUOKA, AND GOT TOGETHER WITH MY AMERICAN FRIENDS MARCUS, CHRIS, AND CHAZ (ABOVE). I ORIGINALLY MET THEM ON MY FIRST TRIP TO JAPAN 3 YEARS AGO. THEY USED TO RUN AN INTERNET RADIO SHOW ON LIFE IN JAPAN, AND HAD ME ON AS A GUEST . THE SHOW HAS SINCE EVOLVED INTO A PODCAST CALLED GUZEN MEDIA JAPAN.


SEEING AS I WAS DEVELOPING LIMITATIONS ON MY TOLERANCE FOR ALL THINGS NEW AND EXCITING, CHAZ AND I OPTED FOR AN AMERICAN STYLE DINER FOR SUPPER THAT NIGHT. I HAD PANCAKES. THEY WUZ GOOD.


WHILE WE DISCUSSED OUR THOUGHTS ON INTERNET CULTURE, AUDIO SOFTWARE, AND ALL THAT’S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY, MY ATTENTION WAS DRAWN TO A YOUNG WAITRESS AT THE OTHER END OF THE DINER. I WAS CAPTIVATED. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT IT, BUT SHE HAD THE MOST ODDLY STRIKING FEATURES AND DEMEANOR THAT I HAD YET TO COME ACROSS IN MY TRAVELS.

SHE LOOKED TO BE NO MORE THAN 80 lbs, AND THAT’S GIVING HER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. HER SKIN WAS THIS FLAWLESSLY WHITE SHADE OF PORCELAIN, AND HER EYES WERE DARKER THAN THE BURNT STEAKS SHE WAS SERVING. HER FACE WAS THE EXPRESSION OF EXPRESSIONLESSNESS, AS IF SHE WAS HAVING A PLEASANT DISCUSSION ABOUT EMPTINESS WITH BUDDHA UNDER A LOTUS TREE INSIDE HER MIND.

…I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WRAP UP WHAT I STARTED TALKING ABOUT HERE, SO I’LL JUST SIMPLY SAY… I SAW SOMEONE VERY INTERESTING.

TODAY I LIKE: TRAIN RIDES. WHEEE!
TODAY I DISLIKE: TRYING TO FIND WHERE TO GET MY RAIL PASS AUTHORIZED

JAPAN DAY 6 (PT.3): SPRING HANAMI = BOOZE TSUNAMI

THIS MORNING WE RAN OUT OF SHINPEI’S HOUSE (WITHOUT BREAKFAST – FROWN!) TO MEET HIS PALS AND PREPARE FOR THE BIG HANAMI CELEBRATION TONIGHT. FOUR OF US DROVE TO THIS GINORMOUS 5-FLOOR BUILDING THAT TRULY PUTS THE “SUPER” IN “SUPERMARKET”. WHILE THE BOYS HUNTED AND GATHERED THE GOODS FOR TONIGHT’S FESTIVITIES, I WANDERED AROUND ADMIRING THE WIDE ASSORTMENT OF CRUSTACEAN FLAVORED SNACKS AND FROZEN FISH HEADS ON DISPLAY.


I TURNED A CORNER AND PASSED TWO CUTE YOUNG “OFFICE LADIES” (OR “O.L.’s” AS THEY ARE SOMETIMES CALLED) SHOPPING DURING THEIR LUNCH HOUR. PERIPHERALLY, I GOT THE FEELING I WAS BEING STARED AT. GLANCING THEIR WAY CAUSED A FIT OF WHISPERS & GIGGLES. THEY BLUSHED, SMILED, AND BOWED EVER SO SLIGHTLY.

NOW THAT’S A REACTION I DON’T OFTEN GET IN THE U.S. WHILE PERUSING THE AISLES FOR FRESH PRODUCE. COULD IT BE THEY WERE SMITTEN BY THE MAJESTIC VISION OF MY PIERCING BLUE EYES AND BULGING PECTORAL MUSCLES? …PROBABLY NOT. THEY MUST HAVE SIMPLY OVERHEARD THE UNDENIABLE SEXINESS OF MY SILKY SMOOTH NEW YORK ACCENT. YEAH, DEM CHICKS GO FRIGGIN NUTS WHEN DEY HEAR A GUY LIKE ME TAWKIN. FUGGEDABOWDIT!


WE SPENT SO MUCH YEN ON FOOD AND DRINKS, WE EARNED A FISTFUL OF IN-STORE LOTTERY TICKETS. WE PRESENTED OUR EARNINGS TO THE CLERKS AT A TABLE FULL OF ENCLOSED WOODEN WHEELS. EACH WHEEL CONTAINED DOZENS OF SPECIALLY MARKED MARBLES, AND WHEN YOU GIVE THE HANDLE A 360 DEGREE TURN, ONE OF THE MARBLES DROPS OUT AND DETERMINES WHAT YOU WIN. I WAS HOPING TO SCORE SOMETHING TO IMPRESS THOSE OFFICE LADIES WITH (LIKE A NEW CAR, OR A YEAR’S SUPPLY OF GREEN TEA), BUT FOR THE MOST PART WE JUST WON STORE COUPONS. WE WERE ALSO HANDED SOME FISH FROM A COOLER UNDER THE TABLE. HOORAY FOR THE VEGETARIAN, AND HIS HANDS FULL OF DEAD FISH TO TAKE HOME!

BACK AT SHINPEI’S ART STUDIO, THE FELLAS PUT THEMSELVES TO THE TASK OF PREPARING TONIGHT’S FEAST. I TWIDDLED MY THUMBS AND PUT MYSELF TO THE TASK OF FORMULATING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT QUESTIONS IN JAPANESE TO ASK THEM, FOR THE SAKE OF CONVERSATION.


WE DROVE OVER TO THEIR ANNUAL HANAMI SPOT IN A THIN STRETCH OF GREEN BETWEEN A CANAL AND A HIGHWAY. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SAKURA TREES HAD NOT QUITE FULLY BLOSSOMED YET… BUT LACK OF FLOWERS TO VIEW WASN’T GOING TO STOP ANYONE FROM HAVING THEIR FLOWER VIEWING PARTY! NOT WHEN THERE’S ALCOHOL WAITING TO BE CONSUMED, AT LEAST.


AFTER A WHILE, A GOOD CROWD OF FRIENDS HAD GATHERED FOR THE FESTIVITIES. I KNEW NONE OF THEM. MORE IMPORTANTLY, NONE OF THEM KNEW ME. I WOULD INTRODUCE MYSELF TO THE NEW ARRIVALS, BUT THOSE BREIF EXCHANGES DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH STEAM TO DEVELOP INTO ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS.


AN HOUR OR TWO PASSED OF ME POLITELY TRYING TO LISTEN IN ON THE CHIT CHAT, WHEN SUDDENLY SOME OF THE PARTY-GOERS WERE STRUCK WITH THE COURAGE TO ENGAGE THIS INTRUSIVE ROUND-EYED MANGLER OF THE JAPANESE LANGUAGE. I’M NO SCIENTIST, BUT I SUSPECT THIS WAS ABOUT THE SAME TIME THE BOOZE SLOSHING AROUND IN THEIR TUMMIES WAS STARTING TO COURSE ITS WAY THRU THEIR VEINS. JUST A GUESS.


FROM THAT POINT ON, IT WAS A BLAST. I’D BOUNCE AROUND FROM GROUP TO GROUP AND STRIKE UP CONVERSATIONS ON EVERYTHING FROM SUNSETS ON MOUNTAINTOPS, TO HOW LOVELY THE WORLD HAS BECOME SINCE GEORGE BUSH AND HIS CRONIES CAME ON THE SCENE. THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF LINGUISTIC HICCUPS ON EITHER SIDE, BUT THE GENERAL IDEAS WERE GETTING ACROSS. WELL.. EXCEPT WITH PERHAPS ONE PARTICULAR YOUNG GIRL, THAT IS…

THE INDIVIDUAL IN QUESTION ARRIVED LATE TO THE SHINDIG. FROM WHAT I'M TOLD, SHE’D LIKE TO BE FLUENT IN ENGLISH SOME DAY. SHINPEI INTRODUCED ME, SUSPECTING THAT MEETING A FOREIGNER WOULD BE OF SOME INTEREST TO HER. HE SUSPECTED CORRECTLY. SHE BOUNCED UP AND DOWN AT THE REVELATION THAT THERE WAS AN ACTUAL ENGLISH SPEAKER IN HER MIDST.

…LITERALLY …SHE WAS BOUNCING.

GIRL: Ano… NE! WHY… FOR… YOU HERE?
ME: I AM HERE FOR VACATION.
GIRL: ...NANI? (WHAT?)
ME: VACATION. BOKU NO YASUMI DESU. (THIS IS MY VACATION)
GIRL: Anouuu… EH? NANI? (Ummm… WHAT?)
ME: YASUMI! YA-SU-MI. (VACATION! VA-CA-TION)
GIRL: …?
EVERYONE ELSE: NAN DAROU! NIHONGO MO WAKARANAI?!? (WHAT THE HELL! NOW YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND JAPANESE EITHER?!?)

AND THEN EVERYONE LAUGHED, AND DRANK A TOAST TO THE SAKURA BLOSSOMS THAT WERE YET TO BE.


TODAY I LIKE: TALKING IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, AND BEING UNDERSTOOD… ALMOST
TODAY I DISLIKE: RUNNING TO THE STATION FOR THE LAST TRAIN

JAPAN DAY 6 (PT.2): JAPAN VS. IRELAND

I’M VERY EXCITED. TODAY IS TO BE MY FIRST HANAMI. WHAT IS THIS HANAMI I SPEAK OF? WELL, JAPAN IS FAMOUS FOR THE BEAUTIFUL BUT SHORT LIVED WHITE AND PINKS BLOSSOMS OF THEIR SAKURA (CHERRY) TREES IN EARLY SPRING. THE THING TO DO IS TO GATHER A BUNCH OF FRIENDS AND SPEND THE DAY EATING AND DRINKING ON A BLUE TARP BENEATH THE FALLING FLOWER PETALS AS THEY DRIFT LIKE SNOWFLAKES IN THE GENTLE BREEZE. THAT’S HANAMI.



NOT UNLIKE SAINT PATRICK’S DAY, HANAMI-TIME IS TOUTED AS AN IMPORTANT CULTURAL EXPERIENCE PROMOTING REFLECTION ON THE VALUE OF FRIENDS, FAMILY, COUNTRY, AND THE BEAUTY OF LIFE.

AND AS WITH SAINT PATRICK’S DAY, THE REALITY IS THAT IT’S TREATED AS LITTLE MORE THAN AN EXCUSE TO SPEND THE DAY GETTING BLITHERINGLY TRASHED OUT IN PUBLIC.



HOWEVER, DESPITE THEIR SIMILARITIES, THERE ARE A FEW KEY DIFFERENCES THAT SET HANAMI SEASON APART FROM THE DAY OF PATRICK THE SAINT...

1) HANAMI SEASON CAN LAST A WEEK OR TWO, INSTEAD OF ONE DAY
WINNER: HANAMI

2) CROWDS CONGEST IN THE PARKS, NOT IN THE CITY STREETS
WINNER: DRAW?

3) GIRLS DON’T SAY, “KISS ME, I’M JAPANESE!”
WINNER: ST. PAT’S

4) NOBODY SINGS SONGS ABOUT BEING PILLAGED, RAPED, AND MURDERED BY THOSE BLOODY BRITISH BASTARDS!
WINNER: HANAMI

5) YOU HAVE A GOOD CHANCE OF MAKING IT THRU THE DAY WITHOUT ANYONE SMASHING A BEER BOTTLE OR A BAR STOOL ACROSS YOUR FACE
WINNER: HANAMI

6) DUDES DON’T PRANCE AROUND IN PLAID SKIRTS
WINNER: HANAMI

IT SEEMS THAT HANAMI CELEBRATIONS BEAT OUT EL DIA DE SANTO PATRICK... BUT I’M IRISH, AND THE IRISH PLAY DIRTY, SO I DECLARE SAINT PATTY-CAKES DAY AS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY’S HOLIDAY IN THE WORLD (YES, THAT INCLUDES BOXING DAY IN CANADA). IN THE WORDS OF OUR REVERED PATRON SAINT, “POG MO THOIN, MUTHA TRUCKERS!”



TODAY I LIKE: EATING TOO MUCH PICNIC FOOD
TODAY I DISLIKE: BARBEQUED NATTO

JAPAN DAY 6 (PT.1): URBAN TEMPLES

TODAY I DISLIKE: NO TIME FOR LUNCH
TODAY I LIKE: YIN & YANG, CONTRASTING ELEMENTS, DICHOTOMY OF FORM... ALL THAT GOOD STUFF

JAPAN DAY 5 (Pt.2): 1ST SAKURA OF THE YEAR ...POSSIBLY

SPENT MOST OF THE DAY BY MY LONESOME WANDERING THE STREETS OF UENO IN TOKYO. A FRIEND OF MINE (WHOSE IDENTITY I WILL KEEP ANONYMOUS) WAS KIND ENOUGH TO DRAW ME THE PRICELESS MAP BELOW. NOW, MY FRIEND'S ENGLISH IS EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT WITH A CAPITAL X. FAR BETTER THAN I CAN EVER HOPE MY JAPANESE TO BE. BUT ON THIS OCCASION HE HAPPENED TO MAKE A RARE ERROR THAT WILL MAKE ME CHUCKLE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE, OR LOSE MY MEMORY.

WELL, I BELIEVE IT WAS AN ERROR... OR PERHAPS A VERY CRUEL ATTEMPT TO HAVE ME WANDER AROUND TOWN ASKING PASSERS-BY, "EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND SOME REALLY BIG C*CK?" CLICK THE MAP, IF YOU DON'T ALREADY SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.




I ENDED UP IN UENO PARK, WHERE I FOUND ONE OF THE FIRST OF JAPAN'S SAKURA TREES TO BLOOM THIS SEASON IN TOKYO. I CAN'T SAY I WAS FLOORED, SINCE THE PETALS WERE ONLY HALF OUT, AND IT WAS ALREADY PRETTY DARK OUTSIDE - BUT JUDGING FROM ALL THE GIDDY PEDESTRIANS WAITING IN LINE TO POSE FOR CELL PHONE SNAPSHOTS IN FRONT OF IT, ONE MIGHT THINK THIS WAS THE GREATEST TREE IN THE WORLD. MAYBE IT WAS. I DUNNO.




TODAY I LIKE: HOMEMADE JAPANESE STYLE CURRY RICE
TODAY I DISLIKE: INSANE LATE NIGHT WINDSTORMS HAMMERING ON JAPANESE STYLE WINDOWS WHILE I TRY TO SLEEP