IT WAS THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. I WOKE UP AND CALLED HOME TO WISH MY SISTER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY (HERS IS THE DAY AFTER MINE. YES, I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SHARE ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD BIRTHDAY PARTIES WITH HER AND HER GROSS GIRLY FRIENDS). HOWEVER, ON THIS MORNING
I WAS THE ONE BEING WISHED A HAPPY DAY OF BIRTH. OHHH, THAT’S RIGHT! I ALMOST FORGOT THAT I LIVE IN THE FUTURE. JAPAN IS 14 HOURS AHEAD OF AMERICA, SO TECHNICALLY, IT WAS STILL
MY DAY. RIGHTEOUS!
LATER, I GOT A CALL FROM MY FRIEND LAURA ASKING IF I’D CARE TO JOIN HER BOYFRIEND’S FAMILY ON A HIKE.
“SURE, I LOVE HIKES.”
I WAS TOLD TO WEAR LONG CLOTHING THAT I WOULDN’T MIND GETTING WET.
“UH, SURE. I KIND OF LIKE WET HIKES.”
SHE CALLED BACK SHORTLY AND TOLD ME I HAD 10 MINUTES TO GET READY AND GO TO THE STORE TO BUY FLASHLIGHTS.
“ERR, SURE, I GUESS. IT’S POSSIBLE I MIGHT ENJOY RUSHED SOGGY DAYTIME HIKES OF MYSTERY THAT REQUIRE FLASHLIGHTS. UM, WHERE ARE WE GOING AGAIN?”
SHE WASN’T SURE HERSELF. SHE WAS ONLY TOLD WHAT TO BRING AND WHAT TIME TO GATHER BY. AFTER A LOT OF SCRAMBLING WE MET UP IN TOWN WITH A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE IN HARD HATS CAREFULLY SCANNING SOME MAP LAYOUTS.
“SAY LAURA, I WAS WONDERING… WHAT THE F**K HAVE YOU GOT ME INVOLVED IN HERE?”
TURNS OUT WE WERE TO GO CAVE EXPLORING. THE GUIDE WENT THROUGH A BRIEF EXPLANATION ON HOW TO USE AN ODD LOOKING TOURNIQUET DEVICE DESIGNED TO CUT OFF THE BLOOD SUPPLY TO A LIMB AND HELP EXTEND YOUR LIFE ANOTHER 20 OR 30 MINUTES IN THE CASE OF A SNAKE BITE.
“SAY… COULD YOU REPEAT THAT PART ABOUT, UH… EVERYTHING? IT’S JUST THAT I DON’T REALLY SPEAK JAPANESE SO WELL, AND I’M KIND OF ALLERGIC TO DEADLY POISONS.”
THIS WAS TO BE SOME SERIOUS GOSH DARN CAVING. NOT THE KIND WHERE YOU BUY A TICKET AND FOLLOW A MARKED PATH TO ADMIRE ALL THE WELL LIT WALLS. NO, THIS IS THE KIND OF CAVE WHERE YOU ENTER A DEEP HOLE IN THE GROUND AND CRAWL THROUGH A SERIES OF VARIED TUNNELS BARELY AS WIDE AS YOUR SHOULDERS. THIS IS THE KIND OF CAVE WHERE IF YOU ARE ALONE AND YOUR FLASHLIGHT DIES, YOU DIE TOO. SERIOUSLY.
SO WHAT BETTER WAY TO MAKE THE ADVENTURE EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN BY BRINGING ALONG YOUR SMALL CHILD, RIGHT? WELL, I’VE GOT A BETTER WAY. HOW ABOUT ALSO BRINGING THAT SMALL CHILD’S FRIEND ALONG WITHOUT HIS PARENTS?
BEFORE DESCENDING INTO THE PIT OF DARKNESS, WE PARKED HALF OF OUR CARAVAN OF CARS IN ONE LOCATION, AND THE REST AT ANOTHER SPOT DOWN THE ROAD. WHY…? I DON’T KNOW. I GAVE UP ASKING “WHY” IN JAPAN SOME TIME AGO.
BY THE WAY, I DIDN’T TAKE THESE PICTURES (WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN THE UNUSUAL PRESENCE OF ACTUAL PEOPLE IN THE SHOTS, AS OPPOSED TO MY PREFERRED STYLE OF TAKING CLOSE-UPS OF PROFOUNDLY UNINTERESTING OBJECTS).
NONE OF THESE PHOTOS DO MUCH JUSTICE TO HOW DARK AND TIGHT MOST OF THE CAVE WAS. THEY WERE TAKEN IN THE FEW SPOTS WHERE WE HAD ROOM TO STAND AROUND AND POINT OUR LIGHTS IN THE SAME DIRECTION. THE MAJORITY OF OUR TIME WAS SPENT IN A SINGLE FILE LINE TRUDGING THROUGH WATER UP TO OUR NIPPLES, UNAWARE OF ANYTHING THAT WAS NOT IN DIRECTLY IN THE SPOTLIGHT OF OUR OWN HEADLAMP. SUCH CONDITIONS DON’T FACILITATE THE TAKING OF NICE SNAPSHOTS, THOUGH.
PLEASE NOTE THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND BELOW. I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S EXAMINING THE ROCK FORMATIONS, OR CHECKING OUT LAURA'S SOGGY BOTTOM WITH HIS FLASHLIGHT.
AT ONE BREAK POINT, OUR GUIDE HAD US ALL SHUT OFF OUR LIGHTS. YOU KNOW, FOR KICKS. THAT WAS THE DARKEST DARK THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN, OR RATHER, THAT I HAVE
NOT EVER SEEN. COMPLETE AND TOTAL ABSENCE OF ILLUMINATION. THE ONLY HINT THAT MY FINGERS WERE WAVING BACK AND FORTH 2 INCHES FROM MY BLINDED EYEBALLS WAS THE FACT THAT MY BRAIN HAD INSTRUCTED THEM TO DO SO AS A TEST.
THESE CRAMPED, WET, DARK CONDITIONS MADE FOR A FASCINATING EXPERIENCE - BUT IT’S NOT THE KIND OF PLACE YOU’D WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE YOU SUSPECT MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA.
AND SO IT WAS THAT AT 45 MINUTES INTO OUR DESCENT, I CAME TO REALIZE THAT THE MAN CROUCHING DIRECTLY BEHIND ME MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA.
HIS BREATHS CAME TOO HARD, TOO HEAVY, AND WAY TOO FAST. HE WAS INCHES AWAY FROM MY PROTRUDING BUTT, AND SEEMED QUITE EAGER TO PUSH PAST IT.
HOOOOOLEEEEEEEE….SH**********************T!!!
IF THIS DUDE FREAKS, WE ARE IN SERIOUS, SERIOUS TROUBLE. IF HE’S UNABLE TO CONTINUE, THOSE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE BEHIND HIM WILL BE EQUALLY UNABLE TO CONTINUE. GOOD LUCK TRYING TO TURN BACK WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE CAVE GUIDE TRAPPED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF YOUR PARALYZED COMPATRIOT. IF OUR MORNING MEETING COVERED WHAT TO DO IN CASE SOMEONE BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK HAS A PANIC ATTACK, MY LANGUAGE SKILLS WEREN’T UP TO THE TASK OF MAKING ANY USE OF SUCH ADVICE. I ASKED IF HE WAS OK. HE GRUNTED. I ASSUMED IT WAS MEANT AS A RESPONSE.
COMING TO A COMFORTABLE SPOT WHERE WE COULD ALMOST STRETCH OUR ELBOWS OUT AND RAISE OUR HEADS TO A HEIGHT OF 4 FEET, OUR GUIDE GAVE US A VERY CAUTIOUS WARNING ABOUT WHAT WAS WAITING FOR US AROUND THE CORNER. YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW YOUR LISTENING SKILLS IMPROVE WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. I HAD A CHOICE OF TWO PATHS.
CHOICE 1: CLIMB UP 4 FEET AND OUT THROUGH A CRAGGY OPENING IN THE WALL THAT WAS WIDE ENOUGH TO ACCOMODATE A HUMAN HEAD PLUS ONE SHOULDER. AT THE OTHER SIDE WAS ANOTHER WALL REQUIRING A 90 DEGREE TWIST AS YOU PASSED THROUGH (
IF YOU PASSED THROUGH).
CHOICE 2: DROP DOWN INTO A TUNNEL STRETCHING 2 METERS LONG WITH ABOUT 4 INCHES OF BREATHING SPACE BETWEEN THE WATER LEVEL AND THE CEILING. ALMOST ENOUGH ROOM TO KEEP YOUR EYES AND NOSE FROM BEING SUBMERGED IF YOU LOOK STRAIGHT UP AND MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH BY TOUCH.
UM, YEAH… I’LL TAKE CHOICE NUMBER 1, THANKS.
LUCKY FOR ME, BREATHY McBREATHERSON BEHIND ME DID NOT YET HAVE THE SPACE TO MANUEVER IN FRONT OF ME AND POTENTIALLY CUT OFF MY ESCAPE BACK TO THE SURFACE. IN A FEAT OF EXCRUTIANTINGLY SLOW GYMNASTICS THAT I WAS UNAWARE I WAS EVEN CAPABLE OF, I WAS ABLE TO SQUEEZE MY FRONT HALF THROUGH THE HOLE, TWIST MYSELF INTO A PRETZEL SHAPE, AND EVENTUALLY PUSH MY LEGS BACK BENEATH ME AGAIN FOR A SAFE LANDING.
AFTER ABOUT ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF WALKING LIKE DUCKS, WE MANAGED TO MAKE IT TOWARDS THE END OF OUR UNDERGROUND TREK. THERE WERE ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE ROCKS FORMATIONS ALONG THE WAY, EACH REPRESENTING A TREMENDOUS EFFORT BY THE FORCES OF GRAVITY AND MOISTURE TO SCULPT SOMETHING PARTICULARLY WEIRD AND FUNKY LOOKING. EVERY TIME WE BUMPED OUR HARD HATS ON A SHARP STALACTITE (WHICH HAPPENED ABOUT ONCE EVERY 5 MINUTES), THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF HISTORY DROPPED TO THE GROUND IN THE FORM OF A CHIPPED PEBBLE OR TWO.
I FOUND QUITE A SURPRISE OFF IN ONE OF THE COUNTLESS DARK LITTLE CORNERS. WE WERE NOT YET NEAR ANY POTENTIAL SOURCE OF LIGHT WHATSOEVER, BUT HERE WAS THIS BRAVE LITTLE SPROUT RAISING ITSELF FROM THE GROUND AND SHAKING ITS FISTS DEFIANTLY AT GOD AND HIS FEEBLE LAWS OF NATURE. Ahhh, A PLANT AFTER MY OWN HEART.
AFTER CLIMBING A ROPE OUT OF THIS HOLE NATURE HADN’T QUITE INTENDED US TO CLIMB INTO IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE MADE OUR WAY OUT OF THE SNAKE INFESTED WOODS AND BACK TO OUR TWO SEPARATE PARKING AREAS. EVERYONE BEGAN STRIPPING NAKED OUT OF THEIR WET CLOTHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS DIRT ROAD. AHA - THUS, THE REASON FOR THE SEPARATE PARKING AREAS. ONE FOR NEKKID DUDES. ONE FOR NEKKID CHICKS. ANYONE DRIVING BY WOULD GET A FULL SHOW OF US IN ALL OUR SHAME/GLORY… BUT AT LEAST WE WOULDN’T SEE EACH OTHER. ON THE SCALE OF WELL THOUGHT OUT PLANS, I GIVE THIS ONE A B- (WHICH IS QUITE A BIT HIGHER THAN I TEND TO GRADE MOST OF THE BEHAVIOR I ENCOUNTER THESE DAYS).
DESPITE BEING BACK OUT IN THE OPEN, THAT EDGY FELLOW WHO HAD MY PULSE RAISED A FEW NOTCHES HIGHER FOR THE LATTER HALF OF OUR EXCERSION WAS STILL DRAWING BREATHS AS IF THE WORLD WAS CLOSING IN ON HIM. HE CONTINUED TO SHRUG OFF ANY CONCERN SHOWN TO HIM, THOUGH. MAYBE IT WAS A BAD MIX OF DUSTY CAVE AIR AND ASTHMA. OR MAYBE HE’S JUST A REAL CREEPY SON-OF-A-MOTHER. I’M GUESSING BOTH.
HERE WE ARE POSING FOR OUR GROUP SHOT BEFORE PARTING WAYS. AS THERE WERE ONLY 3 PEOPLE UNACCOUNTED FOR, THE REMAINING 16 OF US TO MAKE IT OUT OF THE CAVE ALIVE REGARDED THE DAY AS A SUCCESS. IT WAS CERTAINLY A BIRTHDAY-AND-A-HALF THAT I SHANT FORGET ANYTIME SOON.
