STORY OF MY LIFE

I’M NO CITY BOY, BUT LIVING NEXT TO MANHATTAN CERTAINLY HAD ITS PERKS. OPTIONS ABOUND. WITH MINIMAL TRAVELLING EFFORT, I COULD SEE UNUSUAL FILMS, EAT EXOTIC FOODS, AND STEP INTO THE JAPANESE FOREIGN EMBASSY FOR A LOVELY AFTERNOON OF INTERROGATIONS REGARDING MY QUALIFICATIONS FOR OVERSEAS EMPLOYMENT. THE EMPLOYMENT IN QUESTION IS MY CURRENT ENGLISH TEACHING POSITION HERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.

THE JET PROGRAM HIRES HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF NEW YOUNG AMERICAN HOPEFULS TO SEND ACROSS THE PACIFIC, BUT LIKE THE ANNUAL MIGRATION OF BAR-TAILED GODWIT FLOCKS FROM ALASKA TO NEW ZEALAND, THE PROCESS ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR (AS WE ALL KNOW). THAT’S TOO MANY FAT AMERICAN ASSES TO FIT ON A PLANE AT ONCE, SO HALF OF THE STATES LEAVE ON THE LAST WEEKEND OF JULY (GROUP A), AND THE REST FOLLOW ON THE FIRST WEEKEND OF AUGUST (GROUP B). NEW YORK IS IN GROUP A. IF YOU INTERVIEW SUCCESSFULLY WITH GROUP A, YOU LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITH GROUP A. NO CHANGING DATES. NO CHANGING LOCATIONS. NO IFs, ANDs, or BUTs.

PROBLEM. OF ALL THE 365 DAYS THAT THE 12 MONTHS OF THE YEAR HAVE TO OFFER, THE DEPARTURE DATE FOR GROUP A JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SAME DAY AS A PREVIOUS (AND SECRET) PRIOR ENGAGEMENT THAT I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE ABSENT FROM. MY LIFE IS A CALENDAR’S WORTH OF SUPREMELY UNIMPORTANT DAYS, EACH USELESS MOMENT MOCKING ME AS THEY BUFFER THAT ONE PARTICULARLY CRUCIAL DATE. WHAT OUTRAGEOUSLY POOR TIMING! I BELIEVE 15th CENTURY SCHOLAR AND PHILOSOPHER NICHOLAS OF CUSA PUT IT BEST IN HIS SUMMARY ON THE PRINCIPLE OF COINCIDENCE WHEN HE ASKED, “CAN YOU FUCKIN’ BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!?”

AFTER NUMEROUS EMAILS AND PHONE CALLS PLEADING MY CASE TO THE JAPANESE BIGWIGS IN WASHINGTON, I WAS INFORMED THAT MY ONLY OPTION WOULD BE TO INTERVIEW WITH (AND THUS LEAVE WITH) BOSTON’S GROUP B. I WAS ALSO INFORMED THAT THIS WAS A CONCESSION THEY REALLY WEREN’T CRAZY ABOUT MAKING FOR ME… JUST IN CASE I WAS WONDERING.

AND SO IT WAS THAT I WOULD DRIVE 4 HOURS NORTH TO THE HOME OF THE RED SOX, SPEND 15 MINUTES IN THE INTERVIEW HOT SEAT, AND THEN DRIVE BACK ANOTHER 4 HOURS SOUTH TO THE HOME OF THE YANKEES – ALL BEFORE THE SUN HAD SET. FUN.

AUGUST ARRIVES. DESPITE HAVING THE EXTRA WEEK IN AMERICA THAT I WAS AFFORDED BY BEING PART OF GROUP B, MY PENULTIMATE NIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES WOULD BE SPENT WITHOUT SLEEP AS I DESPERATELY SCRAMBLED TO ORGANIZE AND SIGN OFF ON EVERY ASPECT PERTAINING TO MY PREVIOUS LIFE BEFORE LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND (“PENULTIMATE” MEANS SECOND TO LAST, BY THE WAY. IMPRESSED?). I CAN SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY SUCH A MARATHON OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NOT HOW YOU WANT TO PREPARE FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL JET-LAG INDUCING FLIGHTS.

SO AFTER ANOTHER 4 HOUR TRIP TO BOSTON, I BOARD MY PLANE AND DISCOVER THAT GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. WE ARE FLYING BACK TO NEW YORK.

THE PLANE THAT IS ACTUALLY CROSSING THE OCEAN TO JAPAN IS WAITING FOR US ON A RUNWAY A MERE 30 MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. YES, THE BOSTON FLIGHT, WHICH I WAS NOT TO MISS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WAS FLYING ME BACK TO THE HOME I HAD JUST LEFT. AN INTERESTING TONE FOR MY NEW LIFE HAS NOW BEEN SET, AND IT IS CHOCK FULL OF IRONIC GOODNESS.

BUT WAIT. I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU THE PUNCHLINE YET. REMEMBER THAT UNRESOLVABLE SCHEDULE CONFLICT THAT SENT THIS WHOLE SERIES OF SILLY EVENTS INTO MOTION?

It was cancelled.