I EVENTUALLY SAT MYSELF AT THE GATE, AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO HOURS CHASING AN ELUSIVE NAP. I NOTED ONE INDIVIDUAL I'D BE FLYING WITH HAD A SIGNIFICANT BEARD... AND AN EVEN MORE SIGNIFICANT TURBAN. I IMMEDIATELY SQUASHED THE VISION IN MY HEAD OF RELIABLE OL' WILL SMITH TURNING TO THE CAMERA, PAUSING FOR EFFECT, AND DECLARING, "Awww, HELL NAW!" SUCH THOUGHTS WERE WON OVER BY THE BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL IN ME RATIONALIZING THAT THIS FELLA DESERVES THE SAME RIGHTS AND MODICUM OF RESPECT THAT SHOULD BE AFFORDED ANYONE ELSE (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW BLEEDING HEART LIBERALS ALWAYS GET THEIR WAY).
IT STRUCK ME HOW BAD IT MUST SUCK GETTING ON A PLANE AND HAVING EVERYONE LOOK AT YOU FROM THE SIDES OF THEIR EYES, ASSUMING YOU WANT TO KILL THEM ALL (IT'S THE SAME CAUTIOUS LOOK I GET FROM EVERYONE WHEN THEY SEE MY REACTION TO A RESTAURANT FULL OF SCREAMING CHILDREN).
THE FLIGHT CREW (ALL JAPANESE) GATHERED FOR SOME KIND OF 10 MINUTE PEP-RALLY BY THE CHECK-IN COUNTER (INVOLVING LOTS OF BOWING AND NODS OF ENCOURAGEMENT). I'D LIKE TO THINK IT WAS SOME KIND OF SHINTO RITUAL PRAYING TO THE GODS OF THE WINDS FOR A SAFE FLIGHT - BUT I THINK PERHAPS THEY WERE JUST ORGANIZING WHO HAD WHICH SECTIONS. OH WELL. THE SIGHT GAVE ME A VISION OF WHAT THE SO-CALLED "GOLDEN AGE" OF FLYING IS RUMORED TO HAVE BEEN LIKE. BY THAT I MEAN ALL 12 STEWARDESSES WERE ALL CERTIFIED HOT MAMA-JAMAS. EVEN THE GRIZZLED OLD VETERANS OF THE BUNCH WERE QUITE PRESENTABLE. AND NOT A SINGLE DUDE AMONG THEM. THE LECH IN ME SMILED TO SEE THAT CERTAIN DESPICABLE HIRING PRACTICES WERE STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD.
SO... I'M ONLY 4 PARAGRAPHS INTO DESCRIBING MY TRIP, AND WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THE POSSIBILITY THAT I AM BOTH A RACIST AND A SEXIST PIG (AND THERE'S STILL ANOTHER TWO AND A HALF WEEKS LEFT TO WRITE ABOUT).
I WAS ONE THE FEW AMERICANS ON BOARD, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A SURPRISE BLESSING. EVERYONE ON THE FLIGHT WAS THIN, AND DIDN'T SPILL INTO MY SEAT WITH ANY OVERABUNDANT FLESH. SCORE! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I HAD ONE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME. DOUBLE SCORE!!! Ahhh... IF THE PLANE GOES DOWN, AT LEAST I'LL DIE COMFORTABLY.
SPEAKING OF DYING IN A PLANE CRASH: THE LAST TIME I FLEW TO JAPAN, I WAS SUBJECTED TO THE "FILM" (USING THE TERM LOOSELY) KNOWN AS "THE CORE". THE STORY INVOLVES A PLOT-CRUCIAL SCENE OF A SPACE SHUTTLE BURNING THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE, AND MAKING A DESPERATE BUT SUCCESSFUL CRASH LANDING TO EARTH. MY AIRLINE REMOVED THE SCENE COMPLETELY, CENSORING IT FOR THE SAKE OF ANY SENSITIVE PASSENGERS WHOM SUCH IMAGERY MIGHT CONCERN. EVEN IF THE MOVIE DIDN'T BLOW, I MIGHT STILL FORGIVE SUCH CENSORSHIP. EVERYONE KNOWS THEY DON'T SHOW PLANE CRASHES TO PEOPLE ON PLANES, RIGHT? (I SHOULD MENTION, THOUGH, THAT WE WERE ALSO SHOWN "ABOUT SCHMIDT". THE AIRLINE CENSORS CURIOUSLY CHOSE TO LEAVE KATHY BATES' INFAMOUS NUDE SCENE UNTOUCHED AND INTACT FOR ALL THE FAMILIES ON BOARD TO ENJOY - AS IF THE AIRLINE FOOD WAS NOT ALREADY ENOUGH TO SPOIL MY APPETITE).
I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE ON TODAY'S FLIGHT THEY SHOWED A RECORDING OF A JAPANESE NEWS BROADCAST COVERING A RATHER INTERESTING TOPIC... THE HARROWING CRASH LANDING OF AN ENORMOUS PASSENGER PLANE WITH MALFUNCTIONING FRONT WHEELS! WE WERE TREATED TO NO LESS THAN SIX MINUTES OF MULTI-ANGLE FOOTAGE OF THE FRONT END OF THE AIRCRAFT SKIDDING ACROSS TO THE END OF THE RUNWAY IN A BALL OF SPARKLING FLAMES, FOLLOWED BY INTERVIEWS WITH VISIBLY SHAKEN SURVIVORS. UNBELIEVABLE!
NEVERTHELESS, I STILL FOUND THE UNLEASHED UPPER HALF OF KATHY BATES TO BE A MORE TRAUMATIZING SIGHT TO WITNESS.
TODAY I LIKE: WINDOW SEATS
TODAY I DISLIKE: 14 HOURS OF RECIRCULATED AIRPLANE AIR (FARTS AND ALL)
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