I SHOULDN'T POST THIS, BUT...

DID I MENTION I TEACH AT UP TO 20 SCHOOLS IN JAPAN? 12 OF THESE ARE ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS. INTERESTING THING ABOUT TEACHING ENGLISH AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS IS THAT NOBODY THERE CAN SPEAK IT BESIDES ME. FORTUNATELY, I AM ALSO FLUENT IN "ENGRISH", SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM WHEN I RECEIVE A LESSON PLAN BY FAX SUCH AS THIS ONE...

Children look forward to studying the English with Mr. James very much. I introduce myself and I become slightly close and think that I am happy and should have been able to learn it while singing an English song.

DID YOU NOTICE THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPELLING MISTAKE?

MAKIN' BABIES

THE FULL MOON IS HERE, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR THE RARE SEA TURTLE TO CLIMB OUT OF THE OCEAN TO DUMP ITS BABIES IN A PIT ONSHORE. THE EGG LAYING PROCESS IS AN INCREDIBLY ARDUOUS AND VULNERABLE TIME FOR THIS LUMBERING MAIDEN OF THE OCEAN, MAKING IT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO HARASS HER UP CLOSE WITH FLASHES OF CAMERAS AND POKES WITH STICKS. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CREATURE HERE WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD FIND AT THE BEACH THAT NIGHT. SHE ALSO REFUSED TO GIVE BIRTH TO ANYTHING IN FRONT OF ME. MAYBE NEXT MONTH.

CUZ A "REAL" POST IS TOO MUCH WORK

SO I MEET THIS GOAT ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? AN HE'S ALL, "YO, MY MAN! CAN YOU SPARE TWO DOLLARS?" AND I'M LIKE, "SORRY BRO, I DON'T HAVE ANY TO SPARE." BUT HE'S ALL LIKE, "C'MON, SON! I NEED IT TO GET HOME ON THE LAST BUS. HELP A BRUTHA OUT!" AND THEN I'M LIKE, " YO! YO! WAIT A MINUTE! ...THIS CRAZY ASS GOAT IS TALKING TO ME!!! HOW'D HE LEARN ENGLISH OUT HERE IN THE BOONIES OF JAPAN?!?"

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? (OR: I GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE)

THERE ARE A LOT OF JAPANESE KIDS ON MY ISLAND. CONVERSELY, THERE ARE VERY FEW NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS WORKING HERE. Hmm... TWO, TO BE PRECISE. AS SUCH, I'M IN THE ENVIABLE POSITION OF ACTING AS A TRAVELING SALESMAN OF ENGLISH TO UP TO 20 HIGH SCHOOLS, JUNIOR HIGHS AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS ON EVERY CORNER OF THIS OCEAN BOUND ROCK CALLED TOKUNOSHIMA. (NOTE: LAST YEAR I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 SCHOOLS!)

ONE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING JUNIOR HIGH CONSISTS OF FIVE 1st YEAR STUDENTS, THREE 2nd YEARS, AND TWO 3rd YEARS. ON ONE OCCASION, TWO STUDENTS WERE ABSENT - LEAVING ONE POOR KID OUTNUMBERED 3 TO 1 BY MYSELF, THE NATIVE TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL WHO DECIDED TO STOP BY AND PARTICIPATE. IT'S AN INTERESTING PLACE TO TEACH.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S MOST NOTABLE ABOUT THIS SCHOOL. NO, THE TRULY REMARKABLE THING IS THE ENTHUSIASM THE 1st GRADERS BRING TO THE LESSONS. IT'S AN ATMOSPHERE I'VE GENERALLY NOT BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO, SINCE ENGLISH ON A SMALL AGRICULTURAL ISLAND IN JAPAN WARRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH ATTENTION AS A FART IN A COW FARM.

THESE KIDS ARE NUTTY. THEY UTTER THE MOST RANDOM, GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT, MEANING-BEREFT PHRASES AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THERE IS AN ENGLISH SPEAKER IN THEIR PRESENCE. THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. YESTERDAY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO TEACH THEM ONCE AGAIN. WE WERE COVERING "GOING TO DO (WHATEVER)" , AND THEY WROTE/PERFORMED 2 SKITS USING THE PHRASE. I HUMBLY SUBMIT THEM (WITH THE MOST MINOR OF EDITORIAL FIXES) FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE BELOW...

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT SUNDAY?
B: I'M GOING TO THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT YOU?
A: I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
B: OH? I DOUBT IT.
A: IT'S A JOKE.
B: THANK YOU. SEE YOU.
FOOTNOTE: ALL OF THEM ARE LIES. THANK YOU.

A: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT YEAR?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI.
A: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT KIM-CHI?
B: I'M GOING TO EAT IT IN KOREA.
A: REALLY?
B: IN MY DREAMS.
A: IT'S A NICE DREAM.

JIM HENSON'S NIGHTMARE

NO CHILDREN WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM.
...however, several pairs of undergarments were irreparably soiled.

SWEET SOUNDS OF LOVE

LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED. YOU'LL HEAR WHAT MOST OF MY FIRST DATES HERE TEND TO SOUND LIKE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 6

ON THE TRAIN TO IBUSUKI, XING WAS HAVING US LOOK OUT THE WINDOW FOR ALL SORTS OF STUFF THAT WASN’T THERE. GREAT FUN. BY THE TIME XING SAID, “LOOK, A SPACE SHUTTLE!”, WE WERE ALREADY WISE TO HER TRICKS. HOWEVER, I LOOKED UP AND ADDED, “OH YEAH… A SPACE SHUTTLE.” FOR INDEED THERE WAS ONE THERE PERCHED ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT, SO I SHAN’T.

ON THE RIDE BACK, I WAS DETERMINED TO CAPTURE A PHOTO OF THE INEXPLICABLY POSITIONED SPACE VEHICLE. UNFORTUNATELY, I ONLY GOT A SHOT OF BLURRY TREE BRANCHES GETTING IN MY WAY. SO, I HAVE NO PROOF TO HELP IN UN-BESMIRCHING XING’S HONEST REPUTATION. INSTEAD, I HAVE A PHOTO OF A FARMER POKING AT SOME ASH WITH A STICK.
PLEASE ENJOY.





THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO END A MORNING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY TRAIN TO ENJOY A JAPANESE ONSEN (HOT SPRING). AND THAT IS: TO BEGIN AN EVENING OF TRAVELING FAR DISTANCES BY BOAT TO ENJOY ANOTHER ONSEN. THIS NEXT ONE IS CALLED FURUSATO ONSEN, AND SITS ALONG THE COAST OF A SMALL ISLAND.

WELL, IT’S NOT REALLY AN ISLAND AS MUCH AS IT IS A GIANT VOLCANO STICKING OUT OF THE WATER. A LIVE VOLCANO, MIND YOU. THUS, THE PRESENCE OF HOT WATER.


HERE ARE MY FRIENDS TEXTING EACH OTHER ABOUT TONIGHT’S PLANS. KEITAIS (CELL PHONES) AREN’T SIMPLY AN APPLIANCE IN JAPAN. THEY’RE A LIFESTYLE.



MOST HOT SPRINGS ARE SPLIT BY GENDER, SINCE EVERYONE’S SITTING AROUND ALL NEKKID AND STUFF WITH THEIR NAUGHTY BITS FLOATING TO AND FRO. FURUSATO ONSEN, HOWEVER, IS RARE IN THAT IT ALLOWS EVERYONE TO WEAR AN (INTENTIONALLY?) MICRO-THIN ROBE INTO THE WATER, SO THAT BOTH SEXES CAN “HANG OUT” TOGETHER. I SUGGESTED THAT WE DISCARD THE ROBES ANYWAY, Y’KNOW, FOR THE SAKE OF TRADITION – AND THIS SUGGESTION IN NO WAY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING THE ONLY MALE IN THE GROUP. REGARDLESS, IT DIDN’T FLY.

GOTTA SAY, I QUITE ENJOYED MY FIRST ONSEN EXPERIENCE, DESPITE ALL THE OLD DUDES’ WRINKLY FRONT AND BACK PARTS I HAD TO SEE IN THOSE LOCKER ROOMS. ANYWAY, HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS I’M STEALING FROM MY FRIEND, SINCE I VALUE PROTECTING MY CAMERA FROM SAND AND WATER FAR MORE THAN I VALUE YOUR POTENTIAL ENJOYMENT OF MY PHOTOS. THANKS RACHELLE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 5

MYSELF, AND MY ENGLISH TEACHING FRIENDS TOOK A TRAIN TO IBUSUKI FOR THEIR FAMOUS HOT SAND-BATH SAUNAS. THERE ARE NATURAL HOT SPRINGS RUNNING BENEATH THE BEACHES THERE, AND FOR THE LOW PRICE OF JUST 1,000 YEN (ROUGHLY $10 U.S.) YOU CAN HIRE SOME LOCAL DUDES WITH SHOVELS TO BURY YOU IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.

THE BEACH IS ESSENTIALLY A FIELD OF DISEMBODIED TOURIST HEADS EMERGING FROM THE GROUND IN TWO NEAT LITTLE ROWS. POSSIBLY ONE OF THE MOST BIZARRE IMAGES YOU MIGHT EVER SEE ON THIS SITE… EXCEPT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW. I DIDN’T THINK MY CAMERA WOULD TAKE KINDLY TO BEING BURIED UNDER THE (SIGNIFICANT) WEIGHT OF BURNING HOT, WET, BLACK SAND.

INSTEAD, I PRESENT TO YOU… THATCHED SAUNA ROOFS. PLEASE ENJOY THESE PICTURES AS YOU IMAGINE THE INTERESTING SCENE BENEATH THAT I DID NOT TROUBLE MYSELF TO CAPTURE FOR YOU.





ABOVE IS A FINE WORK OF ART ADORNING THE WALLS OF THE SAUNA ENTRANCE. I BELIEVE THE OUTRAGEOUSLY INFLATED BREASTS OF THE BUS-SIZED SALAMANDER IN SLUMBER REPRESENTS THE PRECARIOUS CONDITION OF JAPAN’S ECONOMIC BUBBLE OF THE 90’S, WHILE THE FISHERMAN TWEAKING THE BULBOUS NIPPLE SIGNIFIES THE STRUGGLE OF THE JAPANESE MAN COMING TO TERMS WITH THE INHERENT UNCERTAINTIES OF A RAPIDLY EVOLVING CULTURE BUBBLING BENEATH AN OTHERWISE CALM AND SERENE SURFACE.

EITHER THAT, OR SOME CARTOONIST JUST REALLY GETS OFF ON THE IDEA OF MOLESTING AN AMPHIBIAN WITH CANS AS LARGE AS A VOLKSWAGEN.

THIS SIGN BELOW IS FUNNY TO ME FOR TWO REASONS. BOTH REASONS WOULD ONLY APPEAL TO THE SENSIBILITIES OF A TEN YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR GIGGLES, SO I WON’T ELABORATE ON EITHER.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 4

THIS FUNNY LITTLE FELLA IS OSHIRI KAJIRI MUSHI, OR IN ENGLISH: THE ASS BITING BUG. AS HIS NAME MIGHT IMPLY TO THE MORE ASTUTE MEMBERS OF MY READERSHIP, HE IS INDEED FOND OF BITING INTO ASSES. HE REGULARLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION SINGING HIS CREEPY MONOTONE SONG ABOUT ASS BITING, AND THEN PROCEEDS TO DEMONSTRATE BY BITING INTO AN ASSORTMENT OF AVAILABLE ASSES. CURIOUSLY, THE ASS-BITTEN VICTIMS ALSO SING ALONG.



BY CHANCE, WE HAPPENED UPON THE OSHIRI KAJIRI MUSHI AT THE LOCAL ARCADE. AS YOU MIGHT HAVE PREDICTED, HE DID, IN FACT… BITE OUR ASSES. HORRIBLE AS IT WAS, WE MANAGED TO RECORD THE INCIDENT ON CAMERA TO SHOW TO THE AUTHORITIES.
AND TO OUR FRIENDS.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 3

I’VE BEEN TO KAGOSHIMA 3 TIMES NOW. I’VE ALSO BEEN TAKEN TO ONE PARTICULAR VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT IN KAGOSHIMA EACH OF THOSE 3 TIMES. THIS TIME AROUND I WAS ESCORTED BY FIVE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN. NATURALLY, I’D MUCH PREFER SITTING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF FAT DUDES TALKING BASEBALL STATS… BUT AS JESUS TAUGHT, TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER.

AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS JESUS. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY OLD TEACHER, FATHER HEALY. HE USED TO BEAT US.


NO NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN WITH FIVE FINE LADIES IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A TRIP TO THE PHOTO PRINT CLUB AT THE ARCADE (ALSO KNOWN AS PURINTO KURABU (OR PURI-KURA), TO THOSE WHO PREFER ENGRISH).


AFTERWARDS, YOU CAN WORK ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN TO PRETTY UP YOUR PICS WITH FLOWERS, STRAWBERRIES AND RAINBOWS. IF I WASN’T CLEARLY SO MACHO, I MIGHT WORRY ABOUT MY PARTICIPATION COMING ACROSS AS A LITTLE… GAY... PERHAPS.

NOTHING A NIGHT OF SITTING AROUND WITH FAT DUDES TALKING BASEBALL STATS COULDN’T REMEDY, THOUGH.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 2

HERE ARE SOME INTERESTING PHOTOS FROM KAGOSHIMA THAT YOU WON'T POSSIBLY FIND INTERESTING.



THIS IS THE VIEW FROM MY HOTEL WINDOW. WHY DID I BOTHER TO TAKE A PICTURE OF IT? SOMETIMES THE QUESTION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ANSWER.

EXCEPT IN THIS CASE. NEITHER IS WORTH A DAMN.



HERE'S THE COLONEL REACHING OUT WITH HIS WITHERED OLD HANDS TO CLEAVE THROUGH YOUR RIBCAGE AND PULL OUT YOUR SOUL. THIS MAN'S FACE REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT I HATE ABOUT THE MEAT INDUSTRY.

AND OLD PEOPLE.

ESCAPE FROM SNAKE ISLAND - PART 1

ON OCCASION I TRY TO MAKE IT TO THE MAINLAND TO ENJOY WHAT THE RURAL LIFE ON MY ISLAND CAN'T PROVIDE. THINGS LIKE BUILDINGS WITH MORE THAN THREE FLOORS, HIGHWAYS WITH MORE THAN ONE LANE (BY WHICH OF COURSE I MEAN ONE LANE SHARED BY BOTH DIRECTIONS), AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY... AFFORDABLE LETTUCE.

HERE'S A ROMANTIC MOMENT BETWEEN TWO FRIENDS AT A MARRIAGE RENT-A-ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF AN OUTDOOR MALL.



I TOLD MY PAL XINGLING THIS SIGN BELOW WAS MY BELOVED ISLAND. A CLOSE LOOK REVEALS THAT THIS PARTICULAR ISLAND HAS ABOUT 3 HOMES ON IT, AND A SMALL BICYCLE. SEE, IT'S FUNNY CUZ MY PLACE HAS ABOUT 8 OR 9 HOMES, AND AT LEAST 2 SCOOTERS. CLEVER, RIGHT? ...Hmmm, GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.


STAYING ON THE MAINLAND IS A NICE VACATION FOR MY BRAIN, TOO. I GET TO SPEAK AS LITTLE JAPANESE AS POSSIBLE, SINCE XING'S JAPANESE IS JUST AS GOOD AS (IF NOT BETTER) THAN MINE (THOUGH I WON'T ADMIT THAT TO THAT... uhhh, EVEN THOUGH I JUST DID).

IT'S ESPECIALLY FUN TO LET HER DO ALL THE TALKING WITH THE LOCALS SINCE (BY THE JUDGEMENT OF SOME) SHE SOMEWHAT RESEMBLES THEM (OR TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, SHE'S MORE LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN AS JAPANESE THAN I AM... PERHAPS). THE PUZZLED LOOKS ON STORE CLERK FACES WHEN THEY HEAR HER ACCENT ARE PHOTO-WORTHY. FOR PERSPECTIVE, TRY PICTURING A MAN WITH A 10-GALLON COWBOY HAT AND HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE ASKING YOU FOR DIRECTIONS WITH THE ACCENT OF A MILD-MANNERED BRITISH GENTLEMAN.


THESE OUTDOOR HEATERS ARE QUITE NICE IN THE WINTER TIME, IF YOU DON'T MIND STANDING NO FURTHER THAN A FOOT AWAY WITH YOUR ARMS RAISED THE ENTIRE TIME. WHAT THEY LACK IN ENERGY EFFICIENCY, THEY MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR WITH... SOMETHING ELSE... I'M ASSUMING.

RACE DAY - PART 4: THE CHICKS

RACE DAY - PART 3: THE CHICKS

THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN. I THINK MOST FOLKS FROM MISSISSIPPI, THE MIDDLE EAST, AND HERE IN THE DEEP SOUTH OF JAPAN MIGHT AGREE. EXCEPT THEY MIGHT TAKE IT TO MEAN GREAT WOMEN SHOULD BE BEHIND GREAT MEN, BOTH FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY.

ON RACE DAY, THE BOYS GOT TO GO FIRST. THEIR STRETCH WAS 7.5km. THE GIRLS WENT NEXT, HAVING ONLY TO COMPLETE 4.8km. EVERYONE DID GREAT.

I'M NO AUTHORITY ON WHAT THE TWO SEXES ARE AND AREN'T CAPABLE OF... BUT I THINK IT'S CLEAR WHICH HALF OF THE SPECIES IS THE SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO VOGUEING, NO?